Netflixable? “6 Underground,” let’em stay there

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Quick show of hands, who among you got through “6 Underground,” I mean ALL the way through it?

Because I was ready to give up, ten minutes in. I may be a big Ryan Reynolds fan, but even I have my limits.

‘Absolute s–tshow,” as one wag in the cast declares.

And everybody knows, NOBODY stages a s—tshow like Michael Bay.

Bay goes so over-the-top for this $150 million action extravaganza, it’s like he’s making a parody of his entire career — mercifully “Transformer” free.

The opening gambit lays it all out here for us, the Bay trademarks stuffed into a car chase that goes on and on and on and…

It’s Alfas and Rollers, Ferraris and Beemers, Minis and megayachts, thousand dollar sunglasses and 20-grand suits, exotic locales and exotic underwear, supermodel hookers and Cover Girl secret agents in male wish-fulfillment fantasy sex scenes.

All of it cut into a blur of explosions, crashes, blood-bursts, heads exploding, bullets raining and all of it set to pop and rock music — a montage of mayhem and Muzak.

One-liners, some whispered, most shouted – “Never underestimate the power of a really nice suit.” “This is where you ask me if I’m afraid!” “Evil goes unpunished.”

That’s the premise, Reynolds as a billionaire inventor and adrenalin junky who pulls  together this “team” to see to it that the world’s a bit nicer without certain villainous humans in it. His “family” is a group of specialists with numbers, not names — “2 — C.I.A. Spook,” “3 — The Hitman.”

They fake their deaths (elaborately) and become “ghosts,” because “ghosts have one power above all others — to haunt the living, for what they’ve done.”

Dave Franco’s the driver in that excessive, glib and gory opening chase. Melanie Laurent is the “spook” having a bullet taken out of her by Adria Arjona in the backseat.  I forget her number.

Ben Hardy is “The Skywalker,” a parkour-practicing thief, Manuel Garcia-Rulfo is the hitman, Corey Hawkins is the ex-military sniper recruited for The Big Mission.

That would be taking out a Middle Eastern dictator and yadda yadda yadda, who cares?

If you’re into Michael Bay, this is on a par with his lesser action comedies, even though Reynolds brought his “Deadpool” writers with him to the party.

He owes them. And you know what? That favor’s been REPAID, with a really crappy not-that-flip-and-funny screenplay.

“There is NOTHING else I’d rather be doing with my life!”

If you’re not into Bay, fast forward to the BIG STUNT/EFFECT in the final act if you’re not going to sit through the whole thing. It’s a doozy, more impressive than anything I can remember in a Michael Bay movie.

It took a lot to get through this, because I re-HEEEL-ly hated that stupid, talky, bloody and endless opening chase. I’ll cut it a teensy bit of slack for A) Ryan Reynolds and B) that really cool effect at the end.

But that’s it. Done with this. Unless it becomes a damned franchise.

1half-star

Rating: R for strong violence and language throughout, bloody images and some sexual content.

Cast: Ryan Reynolds, Melanie Laurent, Dave Franco

Credits: Directed by Michael Bay, script by Paul WernickRhett Reese. A Netflix Original.

Running time: 2:08

 

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