The phone rings, and horror of horrors, it’s a LAND LINE. What’s worse, she has no Caller ID
“Who is this?”
“It’s THE DEVIL!”
She’s been ducking his calls.
“Just leave me alone!”
“Not until I have your SOUL. Bwah-hah-hah-hah!”
The best Devils all sound like Satanic clowns, especially on crackly phone lines. Especially in cheesy demonic possession horror tales like “Possession Diaries.”
It’s an amateurish D-list thriller about a young woman (Katherine Munroe) who starts a vlog — a video diary to let the world know that “demonic possession is REAL.”
No, you guys. She says the room she’s vlogging from just got “SO COLD.” How could she be faking that? You guys? How?
Something’s going on with Satan. He’s spamming his way from phone to phone (Damned LAND LINES.), possessing people like Rebecca, driving her crazy.
She’s seen shrinks and priests, she tells her “fans.” Maybe this is all in her head, but if it is, we can guess how that happened.
If you’re having demon-in-the-forest nightmares (the cheesiest green screen this side of 1989 CNN), fearing for your mortal soul, maybe take all the HALLOWEEN decorations down in your apartment. Just saying.
Hearing icky noises from the Jack-O-Lantern you carved and keep INDOORS with you? Maybe don’t stick YOUR FACE right up against it. You know, take the most basic precautions.
It all started with a Ouija Board, not that we get to SEE how THAT happened. Too much trouble, too many…effects.
Rebecca gets comments, skeptical and supportive, on her live-feed. Not that we can read those in real time, like in a more polished picture like the John Cho thriller “Searching.” There’s no shame in not having the budget or know-how for that.
But wanting to maintain a consistent, computer screen camera POV, and not being able to figure out how to manage that? Come on.
“This is not a movie,” Rebecca (Munroe) complains. And she was on the set. “I am not an actress!” Don’t be so hard on yourself. “Everything you’re going to see is real!”
Not. Even. Close.
“Possession Diaries” follows our heroine through a few days of haphazard vlogging, looking increasingly haggard from the lack of sleep, wearing creepy veins makeup that wouldn’t pass muster in most movies and occasionally talking in the Devil’s voice, picking up a knife and threatening her boyfriend.
If gnarled, red hands were reaching up and grabbing you from under your bed, and a guy with Halloween party horns was raping you, you’d be stressed too!
“Is there anything I can do to fix this? Just go back to Hell where you belong!”
Satan isn’t having it.
Neither are the makers/distributors of “Possession Diaries.”
It’s never as easy as asking nicely, is it?
MPAA Rating: unrated, violence, profanity
Cast: Katherine Munroe, Johnny Ortiz, Monica Engesser, Eileen Dietz, Stephanie Kaczmarek, Noel Gugliemi, and James Russo
Credits: Directed by Juan J. Frausto, script by Juan J. Frausto, Rich Wealthy. An Uncork’d Entertainment release.
Running time: 1:27