Friends don’t let friends watch soap opera-sloppy tripe like “Pretty Little Stalker,” do they? And we’re friends, right?

The plot is thick, the makeup thicker in this potboiler about a stalker with an agenda and a big ol’grudge against a gorgeous self-help author.

Worst movie ever filmed in Louisville!

Nicky Whelan is Lorna, not-exactly-a-best-seller, but a very successful coiner of chapter headings like “Self-doubt has no age limit.” Not everybody adores her, as a reading she gives early in the film makes clear.

Married twice, living large with her teen son (Parker Mack) and ever-shirtless hunk travel writer husband (Jesse Hutch), she’s gone as far as somebody with zero qualifications to give anybody advice can — unless you’re counting Steve Harvey.

Then this woman Mallory starts running into her, and then her son. And into her son’s arms.

Mallory, played without a hint of subtlety by former child actress Ashley Rickards (“One Tree Hill,” “Awkward”), is what we used to call a sexpot before we became enlightened about such things.

But that’s the nicest word for Mallory, who is a modern stalker — she uses a DRONE.

“Psycho Killer, Qu’est-ce que c’est?”

People start dying around the happy family, but Lorna gets REALLY productive as a typist (writer). And gosh, even if husband Harry’s BFF Pierce was run over by SOMEbody…

“I know things have been really hard with Pierce…but I think we should go on a vacation!”

Half-hearted tennis matches, vampy murders and a whole lot of “Wait, how’s my makeup?” acting.

MPAA Rating: TV-14, violence, sexual situations

Cast: Nicky Whelan, Jesse Hutch, Ashley Rickards, Parker Mack

Credits: Directed by Sam Irvin, script by Patrick Robert Young. A Gravitas Ventures release.

Running time: 1:23