Netflixable? No Wayans, no Sandler, but still “Bulletproof 2”

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It’s been 25 years since the action comedy misfire “Bulletproof” came out, the last time we’ll probably see Damon Wayans and Adam Sandler, as a cop and a lowlife “buddy” team.

And yet here’s “Bulletproof 2,” starring Faison Love and Kirk Fox. How DO we write around that recasting?

“You ever see that s—-y movie they made about us?”

“Yeah, made ME a Wayans!”

Yes, some poor screenwriter — usually it’s a failed-actor-turned screenwriter — had to try and finesse that. Setting your bust-a-Mexican-drug-cartel tale in South Africa? Yeah, explain that away, too. The uh, criminal SCHMIDT family is the world’s biggest supplier of whatever-name-they’re-calling Molly these days. Let’s set them and the Mexicans up!

The result of all those write-arounds? Another “s—-y movie,” this one starring people not in same time zone of funny as Wayans and Sandler were (allegedly) at their peak.

They rename the cop played by Faison, now a DEA agent still carrying around a bullet in his skull. “All I think about is tacos and p—y!”

Yes, we believe “Jack” likes him some tacos. And the movie would have us believe that he’s catnip to every stripper and gang moll in“The Rainbow Nation.” Sure.

The Mexican gang shows up, even in South Africa, in a collection of restored American muscle cars.

The shootouts are abrupt and graphic. So many squibs!  At least we learn what a “Soweto blindfold” is. Is the “Are you a home-owner?” gay wisecrack unique to South Africa?

We have strip club scenes, where Pinkie (Cassie Clare) is the stand-out stand-up punk with pasties. A poolside scene. Lots of skin in this thing.

Too much of that skin belongs to Faison Love (“Elf,” “Couples Retreat,” “Black-ish”).

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Fox, typically a bit player for pretty much his entire career, can’t bring much spark or charisma to his interpretation of Moses, the guy Sandler played 25 years ago. The “reunion” moment for these two — for some reason, Moses has moved to Capetown.

“Only came back (to the States) for my mother’s funeral!”

“Yeah? How IS she?”

“She’s still f—–g DEAD!”

Hilarious. And hilariously played, I would confess if indeed that was true. Neither of these guys sells their profane tough-guy banter any better than they do the film’s shootouts and action beats.

Seriously, if you can’t talk Sandler, who has a deal with Netflix, into dragging Wayans back from the dead for this, why bother?

Not that I’m anybody’s idea of an Adam Sandler fan.

Netflix is having itself a little director Don Michael Paul film festival, between this and the other unnecessary sequel shot in a country where all the financing came from — “Jarhead: Law of Return.”

We’re going to keep an eye out for his credits — as films to avoid.

1star6

 

MPAA Rating: unrated, graphic violence, nudity, profanity

Cast: Faison Love, Kirk Fox, Tony Todd, Cassie Clare

Credits: Directed by Don Michael Paul, script by Rich Wilkes. A Universal/Netflix release.

Running time: 1:37

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