Netflixable? “American Pie Presents: ‘Girls’ Rules”

If you’re making a raunchy comedy titled “Girls’ Rules” about high school hotties embracing their sexuality, it might help if you had, you know, a woman directing it and women writing it.

Even if it’s an “American Pie” movie.

“American Pie Presents: Girls’ Rules” has a winning young cast and a load of sass. And there’s actual romance mixed in with all the THOTs, sex toys, “skexing,” and the trials of an “unshuckable oyster.”

But it never rises above the crude, coarse crust of “America Pie” as it traffics in what a bunch of guys think girls like or are like or were like in high school.

A new generation of East Great Falls High teens are horning up and hooking up for senior year. And four friends Annie, Kayla, Michelle and Stephanie are wound-up to land their dream hook-up in time for the fall MORP (“prom” spelled backwards) dance.

But Annie (Madison Pettis) has clumsily failed to make the love connection with her longtime beau, who’s just left for college.

Michelle (Natasha Benham) has moved beyond human intercourse and into uh, appliances.

Kayla (Piper Curda) is having a great time with her boyfriend. But she’s paranoid about “the best sex ever,” and with good reason. Tim (Camaron Engles) isn’t exclusive.

And Steph (Lizze Broadway) may be lusted after by all the boys, feisty, sarcastic, self-confident and sporty. But she’s date-free most weekends.

Yes, the cleverest touch in this Blayne Weaver/David H. Steinberg (he wrote “American Pie 2”) script is rounding up a lot of stereotypes to incorporate in Stephanie — short hair included — and NOT have her turn out to be gay.


They’re all a little concerned for Annie, and that leads to the funniest “Girls’ Rules” scene — a visit to a sex shop. Darned if there isn’t this super-enthusiastic, super-helpful lady there (Sara Rue) who shows them ALL the toys and declares, “I mean, it’s a BEAUTIFUL time to be alive, ladies!”

Turns out “Ellen” is their new principal. Turns out, she’s Annie’s new neighbor. Turns out, the “fresh meat” the girls all drool over in school is her son, Grant (Darren Barnet).

The girls have made “a pact” to have hot dates they can sex up for MORP. But unbeknownst to each other, they’ve all fixated on Grant as their ideal. Except for Annie, whose boyfriend is, you know, in college hundreds of miles away.

Who will end up with the “fresh meat,” and will they all find love in addition to lust for that one magic night?

The plot offers zero surprises, and a somewhat pointless collection of cameos (Danny Trejo, Barry Bostwick and Cl noint Howard) and random references to “band camp” and “The Breakfast Club” don’t atone for that.

Nor does the occasional jaw-droppingly crude and kind of funny line — “You were practically eating his face…What’d he TASTE like?” — or sight gag, such as lacrosse queen Steph conking Grant on the head from long range on a bet and demanding her marks “VENMO me, bi—-s!”

Broadway and Curda and Rue are the stand-out no-holds-barred comediennes here, and Pettis handles a sexy slapstick opening scene with deadpan skill.

As rude and raunchy teen sex comedies go, I’ve seen worse. But this Universal sequel on Netflix just shows how dated and stodgy studio entries in the genre seem, when compared to any number of Netflix “naughty teen “originals.”

If you’re going to compete with the streamer that keeps finding funny-dirty things to do with Joey King, you might want to hire some women behind the camera to help you catch up.

MPAA Rating: R (Alcohol and Some Drug Use|Strong/Crude Sexual Content|Language Throughout)

Cast: Madison Pettis, Lizze Broadway, Natasha Benham, Piper Curda, Darren Barnet and Sara Rue

Credits: Directed by Mike Elliott, script by Blayne Weaver, David H. Steinberg. A Universal/Netflix release.

Running time: 1:35

About Roger Moore

Movie Critic, formerly with McClatchy-Tribune News Service, Orlando Sentinel, published in Spin Magazine, The World and now published here, Orlando Magazine, Autoweek Magazine
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