Movie Review: Model/Actress Gia Skova writes, directs and stars in “The Serpent”

About “The Serpent,” the spy thriller scripted, directed and starring model Gia Skova. Every other filmmaker who has had her or his finished movie described as “incoherent” or “makes no sense at all” is owed an apology after this.

“The Serpent” opens with the worst car chase in film history, a chase that includes a lot of shooting where no one hits ANYthing — An homage to TV’s “Police Squad?” — and then the picture goes completely nonsensical, with a plot that would seem even worse if we could discern all of Skova’s lines, delivered in a vaguely-Britishized Euro-Russian accent.

“Are we cleared for keel chots?” Her superior is as confused as we are. Oh. “Kill shots!”

Her self-scripted/directed star vehicle has her and her very long hair playing a spy named Lucinda out to foil a plot by the titular villain, to have bombs, surgically planted in children, blow up all over the world.

She is captured, does pushups in prison, takes care to keep her hair out of her cheeks-sucked-in-Jolie face, brawls her way into an escape in her runway-ready black combat shorts And you kind of get the picture.

None of it makes a lick of sense. Her hair should have second billing. The best thing that could have happened in this film would have been my leaving her name as I originally misunderstood it to be (Stova) in the headline.

Perhaps there’s a drinking game in this? Take a shot every time her character grabs a gun, take two shots every time she fiddles with her hair?

MPA Rating: unrated, violence

Cast:  Gia Skova, Travis Aaron Wade, Nigel Vonas, Akihiro Kitamura and Richard E. Wilson.

Credits: Scripted and directed by Gia Skova. A Vertical release.

Running time: 1:29

About Roger Moore

Movie Critic, formerly with McClatchy-Tribune News Service, Orlando Sentinel, published in Spin Magazine, The World and now published here, Orlando Magazine, Autoweek Magazine
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