Adding the chatty, animated and action-friendly Banderas and Wesley Snipes as new “Expendables” and Mel Gibson as an arms-dealing villain amounts to a significant trade-up from the likes of Bruce Willis and Chuck Norris, mercifully missing in action.
Banderas is hilarious, mainly in the third act, and Snipes is welcomed with a decent action opening. He plays a guy they break out of some former Soviet prison. His offense?
And Harrison Ford lets only a hint of embarrassment sneak into his turn as the new guy who gives the team of C.I.A.-hired mercenaries their missions.
But it’s when the film deviates from the “bunch-a has-beens trying to be hard” formula that “Expendables” is most disposable.
After one of their number takes a bullet, Barney (Sylvester Stallone) lays them off and rounds up younger recruits — played by Kellan Lutz, MMA star Ronda Rousey, Victor Ortiz and Glen Powell — to go catch the murderous arms dealer (Gibson) that Barney thought he’d killed years ago.
The recruiting the new team bit is dull and jokey, as Barney rides around the country with some “finder” played by Kelsey Grammer. And the new kids’ trial by fire is strictly routine.
But Banderas, as a Spanish chatterbox named Galgo, is the wild card, a man hungry for a mission. He’s like the Toshiro Mifune character from “Seven Samurai,” the comical self-inflated warrior that nobody wants. Galgo is also too old for this sort of work.
“Ees like I dee-SCOVER the FOUN-tain of youth!” he exults. Every scene, every “Puss-n-Boots” line, the guy kills. Even when he’s killing, and there’s a lot of that, because this movie has the highest body count this side of “World War Z.”
Gibson, tanned and twisted, dives into the bad guy trash talk.
“I’ll open up your meat-shirt” and do something “with your heart,” he hisses. We buy it.
But we also buy what Trench, the Arnold Schwarzenegger middle-man character says, midway through the picture.
“Hurry up. It’s boring.”
Traipsing from former Soviet republics — yes, the Putin-esque still make the best villains — to Mogadishu and Bucharest, there’s too much talk, too many lapses in logic in between the three epic firefights, the last of which is just laughable.
It’s obvious that the stunt men are doing most of the heavy lifting here. The one person truly at home in her fights is Rousey, and she’s too green to be anything other than a stiff as an actress.
Running gags about who is best with a knife, Christmas (Jason Statham) or Doc (Snipes), or Drummer (Ford) griping that he can’t understand the Brit Christmas’s accent, Dolph Lundgren moments, Terry Crews gags, Jet Li jokes — none of it adds up to much.
Until Banderas pops back up — fighter, parkour stunt jumper, flirt — he has the best lines and he makes the most of them.
“I am the BRIDEgroom…of DEATH!”
But it’s not really scene-stealing when everybody else just shrugs and takes their label, “expendable” so literally.
MPAA Rating: PG-13 for violence including intense sustained gun battles and fight scenes, and for language
Cast: Sylvester Stallone, Antonio Banderas, Mel Gibson, Wesley Snipes, Ronda Rousey, Jason Statham, Arnold Schwarzenegger
Credits: Directed by Patrick Hughes, screenplay by Sylvester Stallone, Creighton Rothenberger and Katrin Benedikt. A Lionsgate/Millennium release.