David Spade tries to be the funny (ish) straight man to a funnier co-star one more time in “The Wrong Missy,” a Lauren Lapkus star vehicle so vulgar it’d make Mindy Kaling blanche.
It’s as polished as an oil spill, as subtle as the Khia hit (“My Neck, My Back”) that underscores its “threesome,” the raunchiest, crudest movie ever to wear the Happy Madison (Adam Sandler’s production co.) label.
But funny? Well, no. Not even. A throw-away line here, a public display of lap-dancing there, a grimly-underplayed “mile high club” (“Jergens jerk.”) gag, it’s aggressively coarse and depressingly mirth-free.
Not that Lapkus doesn’t leave it all on the field, in the tub, on the beach or in the sack. She hurls herself at this as if it’s got to put her kids through whatever college Felicity Huffman’s couldn’t get into.
He’s the mopey sales team leader at Credit of America, the over-50 loser who never got over losing his fiance. Tim’s sad enough to be set up on a date by his grandma with the loud, foul-mouthed and manic Melissa, “Missy” (Lapkus, of “Orange is the New Black” and end-of-run “Big Bang Theory”).
She gives him the “testicles test,” sending him up to the wrong woman on their blind date. She gushes “feels like fate” and “Mr. Perfect” and “I LOVE you” before their drink orders arrive. Not that Tim drinks.
“Totally OK. I’m a certified substance abuse counselor. I know how to HANDLE an alcoholic.”
No, he’s not, but at least we’re on to the funniest line of the movie, right here in the opening scene.
“What are you, 65?”
Kinda looks it, I have to say.
Spade semi-gamely buckles up for the ride as Tim later meets “The Right Missy” (Molly Sims), a beauty queen who isn’t totally out of his league — noooooo — fending off the intrusive, privacy-invading counseling by his HR director pal (Nick Swardson, the least funny member of Sandler’s circle of jerks).
Yes, Tim’s lonely and living the sads. He’s binge-watched and can quote lines from the soapy sexed-up melodrama, “The Affair.” No judging!
And yes, they’re all being flown to Hawaii as their company is taken over by this foul-mouthed corporate raider (Geoff Pierson). But a texted invite to “The Right Missy” goes instead to “The Wrong Missy.” Let the fun and games begin.
All these corporate bonding moments — parties, a real-life “shark tank” (prove your worthiness) excursion (Rob Schneider plays the fingerless galoot running the boat) and a “talent show” — all to impress the New Boss and keep The Barracuda (Jackie Sandler, aka Mrs. Adam Sandler) from getting that promotion Tim is counting on.
If only the needy, over-sexed “blab-a-lanche” will shut up and not ruin it for him. Keep the tub water hot, dear.
“Have some champagne, throw in some more bubbles…a toaster, maybe.”
A running gag — The Wrong Missy’s endless collection of “certifications.” “It’s OK, I’m certified in CPR.” She’s giving suicide-inducing “psychic readings,” unlicensed couples therapy and getting to know Tim’s ex (Sarah Chalke), also at the retreat.
Spade practically cringes through this thing, not a good look when you’re a high-mileage 55. And a little of Lapkus, shrieking profanities at children, lap-dancing at the luau, goes a long way.
Still, it’s Netflix. Not like you paid for a ticket and would have to sneak out and into a better movie in another theater once you peg this as “awful.” Switch over to “Never Have I Ever.” Mindy Kaling’s almost-as-coarse kids’ comedy is like “Sense and Sensibility” compared to this.
MPAA Rating: TV-MA, sex, profanity, vomiting, drinking and profanity
Cast: David Space, Lauren Lapkus, Sarah Chalke, Nick Swardson, Molly Sims, Geoff Pierson and Rob Schneider
Credits: Directed by Tyler Spindel, script by and Kevin Barnett. A Netflix release.
Running time: 1:30