Movie Review: “Cry Havoc,” and let this dog slip into VOD while no one was watching

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Ever wondered how legendary screen tough-guy Charles Bronson would handle himself in a torture porn film?

Me either. But wonder no more.

Writer, director, cinematographer and editor Rene Perez cast a Bronson look-alike in “Cry Havoc.” He dyed Robert Bronzi’s hair Bronson-black, gave him a Bronson Fu Manchu mustache. He dressed Bronzi in Bronson black leather, with early ’70s bell bottom pants, no less.

He puts Bronzi in a ’66 Chevy Nova, a very Bronsonesque (undersized) muscle car.

And he turns this guy loose on the mountain west compound of a villain called “The Voyeur,” who “casts” ambitious young females to be in his non-existent “Terror Mountain” reality show.

It’s as terrible as it sounds, largely because it’s pretty obvious that Bronzi was looped so that he’d sound more like…Charles Bronson.

“Seen this girl?”

Classic Bronson one-liner.

The Voyeur (Richard Tyson, wisely bearded, as he wouldn’t want anybody to recognize him in this abortion) captures his “contestants'” slaughter on his many CCTV cameras.

“Pain is the only real truth in this world,” he growls to an empty room. But not for long. An ambitious blonde Iowa TV reporter (Emily Sweet) has agreed to his conditions for an interview — no revealing where he is, and oh, wear this white ball gown to the interview.

Miss Weaver is the last one to figure out she’s merely the latest contestant.

There’s this monster on the mountain, a hulk in a wired-together skin-mask of the Michael Meyers variety, skull and mask covered in more fencing wire. “Havoc” lumbers about with saw blades, shears and axes, hacking up and disemboweling women.

“It” The Voyeur says, “is a force of nature. It simply…was. Like a storm.”

They met in prison, and well, the rich murder freak just HAD to have this “It” he names “Havoc” (Shakespeare, “Julius Caesar,” Mark Antony’s “let slip the dogs of war” speech) for his little “experiment.”

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Bronzi-Bronson plays a cop hunting for that one particular “girl” who’s disappeared on that mountainside. He doesn’t care how many NRA minions of The Voyeur he has to go through to find her.

It’s a movie of waking up, screaming bloody murder, trying to slip the locks or knots, and generally failing. But even if you/they DO escape, it’s only temporary. Wanton slaughter ensues.

Pointless and ugly is the blurb review of this one.

But Perez does set up a thought experiment of his own with this enterprise. What is it that makes an action movie star, that separates John Cena from Brian Bosworth, Terry Crews from Shaquille O’Neal?

Bronzi summons up the right nostalgia, and the primitive staging and non-“acting” give “Cry Havoc” the feel of a Bronson B-movie of the late ’70s.

It’s all manufactured, even if he did his own re-recording of his voice on set (I can’t tell that, only that he was looped later). But stumbling through a forest shooting people in a squinty-eyed daze does not make you Charles Bronson. The charisma and talent it took to make bad movies watchable just isn’t there.

1star6

MPAA Rating: unrated, graphic violence, nudity

Cast: Robert Bronzi, Emily Sweet, J.D. Angstadt and Richard Tyson.

Credits: Written and directed by Rene Perez. A Midnight release,

Running time: 1:25

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