Netflixable? You’d have to be good and “Blasted” to get much out of this Norske Nonsense

A couple of old friends — one of whom never outgrew their laser tag champions past — are all that stand between Norway and the light-sensitive alien zombies who would infect the country, from fjord to shining fjord, in “Blasted.”

That simple premise takes over an hour to set-up in this leaden, lumpenproletariat loser of an action comedy.

That opening hour introduces our nebbish investment advisor “hero,” gathers up four guys for his bachelor party in the woods — one of whom is a grating, gauche client he wants to land and another a laser tag partner he abandoned ago — and shows us, via a vlogger’s visit, the alien tech presence in Norway’s “Mysterious Lights (UFO) Valley.”

That endless prologue and boredom that comes after the prologue hath not laugh one in it. I kid you not.

The upshot? A cast of not-remotely-colorful “types” is hurled into action against humans taken over by green-glowing alien “juice, and the estranged laser tag team must put aside their maturity gap to save the day. Or not.

Sebastian (Axel Bøyum) just wants to impress a rich, hard-drinking, short-attention-span new client (André Sørum) by inviting him to his mild-mannered bachelor party in Hessdalen Valley, a party he now has to soup up to keep this dude from bailing on him.

Boring pals Audun and Pelle (Mathias Luppichini, Eirik Hallert) won’t be enough to keep Kasper the rich douche distracted. Luckily, unbeknownst to Sebastian, his wife-to-be has invited Peter Pan Syndrome in the flesh, Mikkel (Fredrik Skogsrud) as well. He’s just gonzo enough to enliven things, they and we hope.

Their reunion isn’t funny, Sebastian’s “Boner” nickname isn’t explained, but thank heaven, alien zombies amongst the local yahoos come after them after everybody else in that valley, with only the lads and the very pregnant sheriff (Ingrid Bolsø Berdal) to save them.

It’s goofy enough, once it gets going. Or almost goofy enough. Frankly, this film is so slow you have my permission to alter the playback speed Netflix helpfully provides in your lower right hand corner.

There isn’t enough here — one “Hey, Joe Exotic, just chill” (in Norwegian with subtitles, or dubbed into English) — to really make this count as a “comedy.”

The clash between the rich guy with his bespoke one-of-a-kind “Flux Repeater” powered supercar (looks like a Trans Am with extra ground effects) and these “normal” guys isn’t much, the whole “UFO Tours” in the town thing abandoned without anything funny coming from it and the aliens, led by the first scientist “possessed” by them (Evelyn Rasmussen Osazuwa) aren’t made that interesting.

They are, however, the first zombies to know how to shoot back in a paintball fight. And the effects aren’t bad.

“Blasted” is a laser tag fight that ends prematurely because every idiot accidentally points his gun at himself right at the start.

Rating: TV-MA, violence, profanity

Cast: Axel Bøyum, Fredrik Skogsrud, Ingrid Bolsø Berdal, André Sørum, Mathias Luppichini, Eirik Hallert, Rune Temte and Evelyn Rasmussen Osazuwa

Credits: Directed Martin Sofiedal, scripted by Emanuel Nordrum. A Netflix release.

Running time: 1:55

About Roger Moore

Movie Critic, formerly with McClatchy-Tribune News Service, Orlando Sentinel, published in Spin Magazine, The World and now published here, Orlando Magazine, Autoweek Magazine
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