The various young blood suckers of “Vampire Academy” belong to warring clans, with a royal family, “guardians” of those royals, silver daggers they use to kill each other and varying degrees of sensitivity to the harsh light of day.
And just in case there’s still confusion, “They don’t sparkle, either.”
It’s a self-aware horror/action comedy, first in a possible franchise (sigh) based on Richelle Mead’s books, that sits somewhere on the border between “Twilight”, “Harry Potter” and “Buffy the Vampire Slayer.”
Jokes? They bought those in bulk. Line after somewhat amusing line, most of them delivered in a near-slurred blur by the snarky half-human novice guardian Rose, played by “Suite Life” alumna Zoey Deutch.
“The ‘stakes are high? Get it?”
Rose is guarding Lissa (Lucy Fry), who is a princess, so naturally she has a British accent. They’re bonded, those two. Telepathic.
“Have you ever seen me go to the bathroom?
“No. Thanks for giving me THAT to look forward to.”
Rose and Lissa have been on the run from school, but St. Vladimir’s finally nabs them and brings them back…
Wait, “Saint? Vladimir?
That’s right. Mead’s books have student vampires learning of their patron saint, hearing Eastern Orthodox-ish sermons in chapel, in between the usual instances of high school hazing, mean girling and make-out sessions. And managing one’s magic.
Gabriel Byrne is an elder something or other at the school, Joely Richardson is the scolding Good Witch of the East queen who lords over them, Olga Kurylenko the head mistress who “could have been a model.”
Set in Montana, filmed in the U.K.’s castle-country, the school is the only place Lissa can be protected from the Strigoi, evil vampires who want to interrupt the royal line.
Tedious as all this vampire exposition is (and there’s a LOT), the jokey tone here is much appreciated, with everyone “a few corpuscles shy of an artery” and the action as predictable as “a porcupine in a hot tub.”
Deutch tends to rush her lines, but a leggy, sitcom-trained 18 year-old is what the role called for, the sort of girl who can make an “Ewww” face after handing the princess a tissue to wipe off blood from a “feeder,” a human vampire fan who submits to the occasional neck-suck to keep the pale ones in the pink.
“Once you’ve had fang…”
Sexy, PG-13 sassy, flip and funnier than it has a right to be, written by Daniel Waters (“Heathers”) and directed by his brother Mark (“Mean Girls”), “Vampire Academy” still feels slapdash, perhaps under-budgeted — sort of a hit-or-miss, low-risk trial balloon to see if “Twilight Fever” has indeed, faded. We’ll know by sunrise.
MPAA Rating: PG-13 for violence, bloody images, sexual content and language
Cast: Zoey Deutch, Lucy Fry, Danila Koslovsky, Gabriel Bryne, Olga Kurylenko, Joely Richardson
Credits: Directed by Mark Waters, scripted by Daniel Waters the Richelle Mead novel. A Weinstein Co. release.
Running time: 1:38