Movie Review — “My Little Pony: The Movie”

pony

Let’s keep this short, right?

If you’re over the age of five, and you’re not taking someone UNDER the age of five to see “My Little Pony: The Movie,” you’re in the wrong theater

Unless you’re a “Brony,” so let’s no do anything that gets moms to go call the manager, eh?

It doesn’t matter that “My Little Pont: The Movie,” like the TV series it spun from, is insipid pap. It’s not for you. Any more than the toys that inspired it all.

It doesn’t matter that only one character is credited with the voice of Broadway pixie Kristen Chenoweth. ALL the ponies sound like Kristen Chenoweth, even the ones voiced by the likes of Emily Blunt. And there’s a hint of Chenoweth in Liev Schreiber, Sia and Michael Pena’s voice performances, too.

That’s what happens with Pony-exposure in Equitania, where gravity and physics and  character development and the rules of story don’t apply, when you’re reading lines like “Everybody’s happiness is resting in your hooves!”

Or when you’re singing “We got this, you got this, We’ve got this TOGETHER” to any problem — even the assault of the Storm King and his minions. Who want that Pony magic, man.

Because everybody’s a princess and everybody already has “all the magic you need.”

The animators? They could have used more magic to smooth out the movement, add shadings and depth of field to their flat, gummy-bear colored poppycock. It’s garishly, mechanically drawn and colored, barely up to “animated quickie” big-screen fare.

Back to direct-to-video with you, Princess Unicorny or whatever your name is. Small children won’t mind your shortcomings. Anybody older than a tiny child endorsing this? Come on, now./

1star6

MPAA Rating: PG for mild action

Cast: The voices of Emily Blunt, Kristen Chenoweth, Zoe Saldana, Taye Diggs, Sia, Michael Pena, Liev Schreiber

Credits:Directed by Jayson Thiessen, script by Meghan McCarthy, Rita Hsiao and Michael Vogel, based on the TV series.  A Lionsgate release.

Running time: 1:39

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5 Responses to Movie Review — “My Little Pony: The Movie”

  1. Mario Rodgers says:

    Wow. First two lines of a what’s supposed to be a movie review are ad hominem attacks. Angry much? The only thing insipid is this review. Check the audience score. All the fans are having a blast watching this movie. Why? Because it’s fun! Oh but this movie is neither Minions nor anything from the House of Mouse, so let’s all trash it.

  2. Jon Doe says:

    Cringy review.

    • To “Jon Doe” and the legions of other members of the Brony Underground who feel the need to comment on my review and take umbrage at being dismissed for obsessing on this piffle. I have neither the time nor the interest in engaging you in discussions of your peccadillos. Yes, I’ve seen the documentary on you guys, and no — comparing the movie to the 1980s TV show or revival of it is not incisive or valuable “criticism” of this picture. You don’t look in the toilet bowl and compare its contents to earlier bowls from decades ago. Crap is crap. Yes, I’ve had kids who watched the shows, and “Dragon Tales” and oh, “Barbie Nutcracker.” And by the way, you’re not as anonymous as you think, hurling your (often) subliterate and too-often profane tirades defending your fetishized tastes out into the ether. I see this Google-ID’d email or ip address or that one attached to message boards about women’s underwear for men, and weirder. Not judging you, and your eagerness to normalize an increasingly infantilized culture, just dismissing you and the movie. Not to go all Biblical on you lot, but “When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see in a mirror, darkly, but then face to face.” Grow up. Get out more, read better books, see deeper movies. And look in the mirror.

  3. NSF says:

    Yes, this movie isn’t good, but you sure better be prepared for angry comments when you write such a contemptuous review like this one.

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