Netflixable? Stitched together, just “Two (Dos)” against whoever did this to them

Icky in that “Human Centipede” way, as excruciating as any torture porn thriller, and damned ridiculous by the time all is said and done, the Spanish thriller “Dos” or “Two” sets up a simple, nasty problem and fails to engage us in helping the trapped couple solve it.

Two people wake up, naked and lying on top of one another in bed. He doesn’t know her. She doesn’t know him.

And the reason they can’t “disengage,” get up and sort this out is that they’re stitched together at the abdomen.

Sexy.

Furious minutes of mistrust open this relationship. Neither wants to be the first to give out a name.

“Who ARE you?” “Who the F— are YOU?” (in English, or in Spanish with optional subtitles).

Precious minutes slip by as her rage at “Why did you DO this to me?” is slow to abate.

“Tranquila,” sister. Think for a second. Who in the name of Santiago would do this to himself, just to hurt you?

They question each other, test out getting up and cope with immediate concerns — pain relief, thirst, hunger, bathroom breaks. And they try to figure out who did this, who is “watching” them (pain pills, etc., mysteriously appear whenever the lights go out).

Sara (Marina Gatell) wonders if her hateful husband is capable of this. David (Pablo Derqiui) is cagey about his work, his dating history and anybody he can think of with a motive to hurt him and this person he doesn’t recognize.

There’s volatile chemistry between the stars, but little urgency to what’s going on. The nature of the wound and how it connects them seems to shift to meet the needs of camera blocking. Yes, at some point, the fact that they’re nude and attractive 30somethings trumps the pain and terror of their situation. And every so often, the ugly wound is looked over, fresh injuries are suffered, fresh clues point them to some counter-measures to whoever did this awful thing to them.

Three people had a hand in the script to actress-turned-director Mar Targarona’s film, three writers who take on a “Saw” level puzzle and make solving it less important than each character’s seeming guilt over what they’re not revealing make us wonder “Did they bring this on themselves?”

It makes for a dull, illogical thriller that’s an excruciating 71 minutes, and not excruciating in a good way, either.

Rating: TV-MA, violence, nudity, sex, profanity

Cast: Marina Gatell, Pablo Derqui

Credits: Directed by Mar Targarona, scripted by Cuca Canals, Christian Molina and Mike Hostench. A Netflix release.

Running time: 1:11

About Roger Moore

Movie Critic, formerly with McClatchy-Tribune News Service, Orlando Sentinel, published in Spin Magazine, The World and now published here, Orlando Magazine, Autoweek Magazine
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