Movie Review: Disaster at sea — “VampyrZ on a Boat”

The latest horror tale from the director of “Valentine DayZ” is about a cargo ship with a vampire in its hold — “VampyrZ on a Boat.”

It is badly acted, with a mostly high-mileage cast that for the most part hasn’t exactly mastered this acting thing over the course of what one hopes have been long and happy lives. Even the younger players are pretty bad, just to avoid any hint of ageism here.

The script is garbage, the feeblest attempt at camp I’ve seen in years. One of the passengers on board wears a smoking jacket and “never comes out,” another is a ventriloquist whose wooden dummy might be immune to vampire bites, but not deathly bad jokes. The captain of the ship (Robert Acres, I think), who keeps the heirloom wooden leg and an unneeded eyepatch at the ready, shouts out encouragement over the intercom as his crew is battling the undead.

“Remember me mateys, the pessimist sees difficulty at every opportunity, the optimist sees opportunity in every difficulty!”

Maybe the weirdest thing about this is that the credited director, Mark Allen Michaels, uses the same headshot as the lead actor, Dallas Valdez. As he’s terrible at both, this is of no consequence whatsoever.

But if you deign to watch this waste of a good shipboard location, remember this, me mateys. As bad as “VampyrZ on a Boat” is, there’s a Western epilogue that’s even worse.

Rating: unrated, bloody violence

Cast: Dallas Valdez, Carrie Keagan, Curt Lambert, Robert Egan

Credits: Scripted and directed by Mark Allen Michaels. A Random Media release.

Running time: 1:11

About Roger Moore

Movie Critic, formerly with McClatchy-Tribune News Service, Orlando Sentinel, published in Spin Magazine, The World and now published here, Orlando Magazine, Autoweek Magazine
This entry was posted in Reviews, previews, profiles and movie news. Bookmark the permalink.