Welcome to the “Hotel Transylvania” where “you can check out any time you like, but you will never laugh.”

With apologies to The Eagles, “almost never.”

Sony Animation got into the Adam Sandler business this time out. The “Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” folks must never have seen “Eight Crazy Nights,” Sandler’s first effort at turning his “gift” for funny voices into a cartoon.

It’s a good-looking, laugh-starved farce that puts Dracula (Sandler) in charge of a hotel for monsters — “Human-free since 1895” — and makes him an overprotective single-father with a teenage daughter (Selena Gomez).

Drac is forever doting on Mavis, calling her ghoulish pet-names — “My honey guts…Sweet fangs…”

She’s turning 118, and is ready to see the world. But all Daddy Drac can think to do is stage a “visit” to the human village, where they all want to “eat your toes” and “shove garlic in your face.”

So a birthday party at home it is — home being the hotel with its headless doorman, witches for housekeepers and skeletal staff (literally).

Continental Breakfast? A bagel with “scream cheese,” of course.

Monsters like Frankenstein (Kevin James), the Michelin Man Mummy (Cee Lo Green) and The Invisible Man (David Spade) are honored guests.

But darned if nerdy human hiker Jonathan (Andy Samberg) doesn’t stumble in and make Mavis go “zing” as in “zing zing zing went my heartstrings,” so Daddy has a problem — how to frighten the boy into skee-daddling.

“Boy, the WRONG people get to be immortal.

The movie — from “Clone Wars” and “Dexter’s Laboratory” TV vet Genndy Tartakovsky — has a generous helping of sight gags — zombie construction workers, Steve Buscemi’s hang-dog werewolf with his vast brood of unruly pups, a cadaverous house mariachi band, Quasimodo (Jon Lovitz) as a chef with a rat pal (a “Ratatoille” joke). 

The grossest thing in a hotel that has The Blog, Bigfoot and zombies staying in it? A human fiddling with the contact lens on his eyeball.

The best gags come from quick cuts — Drac zipping hither and thither to keep Mavis fooled, his sudden and shocking transitions to SCARY. The rest of what is most decidedly a “boys” comedy is humor of the fart/butt/toilet variety, PG stuff Sandler and his cronies would reject from his “Grown Ups/Zookeeper/That’s My Boy” screenplays.

Sandler’s Dracula voice isn’t awful. Nor is it a distinct or funny voice, and he is given precious little funny to say. This “Hotel” was never earning a four-star rating. But maybe another different management…

MPAA Rating:PG for some rude humor, action and scary images

Cast: The voices of Adam Sandler, Selena Gomez, Andy Samberg, Kevin James, Cee Lo Green, David Spade

Credits: Directed by Genndy Tartakovsky, scripted by Peter Baynham and Robert Smigel, story by Todd Durham, Kevin Hagman, Dan Hageman. A Sony Pictgures Animation release.

Running time: 1:30