Netflixable? Muscles from Mandal (Norway) stars in “Last Man Down”

Make way for 87 minutes of generally excruciating action garbage from Norway.

Last Man Down” is an apocalyptic pandemic vengeance thriller of the “I’m not sure this is helping” variety, about government mass executions, the search for the “immune” so that they be imprisoned and experimented on by “scientists,” where humanity’s last, best hope is a roided-up survivalist with an arsenal that would make Puny Putin salivate with envy.

You want to know where Western civilization gets its burly, Darwinian, anti-mask/vaccine, pro-every-firearm and bellicose “one man alone…or in a convoy with my fellow Algonquin Roundtable thinkers” ethos, a steady diet of garbage like this shares some of the blame.

“Last Man Down” stars the man mountain Daniel Stisen as John Wood, a special forces giant forced to watch his “infected” wife (Stephanie Siadatan) executed when he won’t give the commando-in-chief (o) information about where he hid 500 missing townspeople.

Survivors of the pandemic have fled north, with anybody infected in those ranks subject to summary shots-to-the-head. John escapes custody and holes up in the forest, a “timberman” with gigantic muscles, “very special skills” and a whole lot of guns.

When an Italian escapee (Olga Kent) falls under his protection, John is quick (ish) to do the math.

“You just brought a lot of problems to my cabin.”

It’s down to legions of tac-geared-up goons to come up, in small groups, to try and get past this guy they’d almost forgotten about to get to her. Let the games begin.

“Last Man Down” is performed English, with characters of various nationalities and actors of different cultures playing them trying to speak it and sound American. The accents are thick, which pairs nicely with the acting, which is ham-fisted.

The fights and the settings for them (a tunnel, during one stretch) are noisy and illogical and end with either a blast of gunfire, an arrow that penetrates tactical armor or an axe blow or three.

There’s no story arc, just some vague hint of “redemption” as John was helpless when his wife was killed. As John has warned Maria, the Italian, that they have “half an hour” to prepare for one overwhelming assault coming their way, they take a break to shower outdoors and get…in the mood.

As action pictures go, this one isn’t exciting enough to make up for the tedious pacing or the outright silliness of the script and the woodenness of the performers.

Let’s just hope nobody gets another dose of the wrong ideas from this crap.

Rating: R for violence and language (and nudity)

Cast: Daniel Stisen, Olga Kent, Daniel Nehme, Natassia Malthe, Madeleine Vall and
Stephanie Siadatan

Credits: Directed by Fansu Njie, scripted by Andreas Vasshaug. A Saban Films release on Netflix.

Running time: 1:27

About Roger Moore

Movie Critic, formerly with McClatchy-Tribune News Service, Orlando Sentinel, published in Spin Magazine, The World and now published here, Orlando Magazine, Autoweek Magazine
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