Movie Review: “Love Hurts,” and this review may sting a little, too

“Love Hurts” is the first true star vehicle for former child actor turned Oscar winner Ke Huy Quan, who takes his shot at carrying a movie with an action comedy about a mild-mannered realtor who used to be an enforcer for his mob boss brother.

So it’s a variation of the time-tested “man we don’t realize has ‘particular skills'” plot, comically violent like “Nobody,” violent violent like “The Bee Keeper.”

But while onetime stuntman Quan can handle the fight choreography well-enough to hide (most) of the edits between what he does and where the stunt double takes over, and the supporting cast includes reliably amusing Rhys Darby, sometimes amusing Marshawn Lynch, Lio Tipton, reliable heavies Daniel Wu and Cam Gigandet and as a bonus for the fankids — Sean Astin, Quan’s “Goonies” co-star — the film doesn’t work.

Quan might be the worst thing about it. And stuntman-turned-first-time-director Jonathan Eusebio can do nothing to hide that.

Quan plays Marvin “Marv” Gable, a mild-mannered, eager-beaver realtor in nondescript urban Wisconsin. He is Mr. “I want a house for You!” at Frontier Realty.

“I pour everything into it because it’s meaningful!” he insists, and his assistant (Tipton, who used to be “Analeigh Tipton” and whose credits go back to “Big Bang Theory,” “Lucy” and “Mississippi Grind”) buys in.

But somebody is defacing his bus bench pictures all over town, drawing mustaches on them. And somebody sent him a Valentine’s card that chills him to the marrow.

“I’m Back!” a mystery figure tells him.

A worried Marv barely has time to accept his Realtor of the Year placard from his good ol’boy boss (Astin) and dash off to close a sale before all hell breaks loose, in the form of two supposedly competent mob enforcers (ex-footballer Lynch and André Eriksen). Some guy named Merlot (Gigandet) is after him.

And his brother, aka “Knuckles” (Wu, of TV’s “American Born Chinese”) would like a word.

Because that card went to a lot of people. And the person who sent them knows things and stole things and is named Rose (DeBose). She’s “back” and ready to cash in or bring a whole crime empire crashing down.

Quan’s Marvin is a reformed man of violence, a crook whose reform came in the form of real estate. That’s meant to be a laugh. And it doesn’t hurt that Marv’s key rival in the market is played by Drew Scott, one of TV’s “Property Brothers.” I laughed at that, and at the hidden side the script gives Scott’s character.

But not much else that was meant to be comical landed in all of this.

There’s mayhem, wanton bloodshed, barely-survivable wounds that are shrugged-off and an NRA convention’s supply of “firepower” and ammunition expended.

DeBose as the elusive Rose is meant to be Marv’s great unrequited love. She never gives us a moment’s doubt that this is never-to-be. Can’t Marv see through that?

The three-handed script uses lazy stretches of voice-over by Marv and later Rose to tie up loose ends and keep this short but slow-moving brawl on its feet. And it leans heavily on sentiment, which doesn’t suit the material. At all.

“I believe in absolution and second chances,” Marv’s boss intones, no pulpit necessary.

“Love Hurts” is cartoonish enough that we don’t believe a single character, situation or reaction to an act of violence is “real.” Like a former hitman can hide in plain sight in a city papered with his billboards and bus benches. But other movies with a similar unreality have come off.

This one lands punches but rarely laughs, reaches for pathos where there is none and relies heavily on the sentiment that earned Quan an Oscar for being the fifth best player in a film that became a phenomenon. He is overmatched in almost every scene where he’s paired-up with a more charismatic actor, which is pretty much all of them. Watch him with his “brother” Wu, and try to remember who the star of the picture is while you do.

But maybe that “Goonies” reunion will happen after all.

Rating: R, bloody violence, profanity

Cast: Ke Huy Quan, Ariana DeBose, Lio Tipton, Marshawn Lynch, Daniel Wu, Rhys Darby, André Eriksen, Sean Astin and Cam Gigandet

Credits: Directed by Jonathan Eusebio, scripted by Matthew Murray, Josh Stoddard and Luke Passmore. A Universal release.

Running time: 1:23

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Movie Review: V-Day Romance Slathered with Slaughter — “Heart Eyes”

A clever-enough conceit, engaging leads and a masked villain of the Jason/Michael Myers/”Scream” variety might be enough to recommend “Heart Eyes,” a “rom com for Valentine’s Day” for the splatter film crowd.

Hey, everybody needs a “date movie,” right? It’s not like they’re making “His Girl Friday” (seen in a pop-up drive-in here) these days.

But the conceit isn’t as clever as the filmmakers’ think. And while the script offers a few scattered chuckles, they’re mostly of the if-the-heroine-shouts “LEAVE US ALONE” and “You’ve got the WRONG people!” in the hopes that the masked mass murderer might leave her and her date (“It’s NOT A DATE! We’re NOT a couple!”) alone.

That puts all the pressure on Olivia Holt (TV’s “Cloak & Dagger” and “Cruel Summer”) as Ally, the clever ad campaigner who thought using bloodied dead lovers from history for a Valentine’s Day TV commercial pitching selling engagement diamonds, and “Scream” franchise alumnus Mason Gooding and a lot of not-as-clever-as-“Saw” bits of slaughter.

They can’t carry this still-warm corpse across the finish line.

Ally (Holt) has a strained “meet cute” with Jay Simmons (Gooding) before she figures out he’s the marketing genius brought in to “save” her brutally tasteless and now awfully timed “doomed lovers” campaign for Crystal Cane (Michaela Watkins, drawling and vamping) Jewelry.

The “timing” thing comes down to a Seattle visit by the annual Valentine’s Day murderer, a spree killer nicknamed “The Heart Eyes Killer,” aka “HEK” by the national media. Boston one year, Philly the next, and now the masked ghoul with heart-shaped goggles that light up with when he switches on night-vision has hit the Pacific Northwest.

He targets loving couples, like the vineyard duo who stage “his” proposal at sunset, re-doing it when their photographer misses the shot.

“I will END you” threats from the groom, “on Yelp,” set the tone. This is a comedy. These pitiless, pointless killings are played for laughs. There are a few interesting, possibly funny and twisted ways to do somebody in at a winery. None of them involve a machete or crossbow, our killer’s weapons of choice.

A business dinner that involves a staged kiss puts a target on Ally and this Jay fellow’s backs. And they spend the rest of Valentine’s Day night dodging death and staring, incredulously, at two half-assed cops on the case, “Hobbs” (Devon Sawa) and “Shaw” (Jordana Brewster).

“Like the movie?” “Never saw it.”

The narrative stumbles along with injuries and escapes and one predictable predicament after another, with shallow discussions of “kink” and glib treatments of death and the way those who survive “honor” acquaintances, part of a dinner party of four, who have just been murdered.

“You kept the reservation?” “To honor them…”

Holt is perky and makes Ally properly put-out at this killer’s insistence on pursuing them even though “We’re NOT a couple.” Gooding brings a little less — comedically — to the party. He’s not alone. Nobody here has great comic chops.

The goofy tone is maintained, start to finish. But that finale is the biggest dud among the various clunky set-ups that don’t produce anything funny or scary or romantic.

Rating: R, gory violence, “sexual content” and profanity

Cast: Olivia Holt, Jordana Brewster, Mason Gooding, Gigi Zumbado, Michaela Watkins and Devon Sawa.

Credits: Directed by Josh Ruben, scripted by Phillip Murphy, Christopher Landon and Michael Kennedy. A Sony/Screen Gems release.

Running time: 1:37

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An audience of one for “Love Hurts”

They gave an Oscar to everybody’s favorite “Goonie” and “Short Round,” Ke Huy Quan.

But will he be a box office draw? I am in an empty cinema opening night for Universal’s action comedy for V Day. Never a good sign.

Maybe the “Let’s keep lobbying for a ‘Goonies’ sequel” crowd will show up. Somewhere. The “Love Hurts” movie? My review is here.

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Documentary Review: “Bonnie Blue: James Cotton’s Life in the Blues”

The bluesman James Cotton was the son of a sharecropping Mississippi Baptist preacher and a mother who played the harmonica. And when they died when he was quite young, he picked up his mother’s harmonica and used it to play his way out of the cotton fields that gave him his last name.

Before Cotton was done — he died in 2017 — he’d more than lived up to his billing as Mr. “Super Harp.” He was a Grammy winner who played many of the major music festivals of his era, opening for The Who, The Doors and the Grateful Dead, headlining his own blues club in Chicago, touring his James Cotton Blues Band with The Steve Miller Band and introducing generations of rock fans to the music that gave birth to their music.

“Bonnie Blue: James Cotton’s Life in the Blues” is a loving musical appreciation of one of the last of his generation of bluesmen. We hear James Cotton lore, much of it related by his fans and two of the significant women of his life, who tell us how he learned by copying Sonny Boy Williamson II on “The King Biscuit Flour Hour” on the radio, performing in the cotton fields of the Bonnie Blue plantation he grew up onn near Tunica, Mississippi.

He met Sonny Boy, joined his band, and we hear from archival Cotton interviews the colorful anecdote about how the elder statesman of blues harmonica singers/players passed that band on to too-young-to-handle-it James.

Cotton would copy from and improvise around “every song on the jukebox” and every contemporary harp player he heard — Little Walter, Harmonica Shorty, Junior Wells and Sonny Boy included. When rock’n roll arrived, he adapted, and his passionate, animated stage show made him an in-demand opening act for all the American and British bands that grew up idolizing Howlin’ Wolf, Muddy Waters and that generation of bluesmen.

“Bonnie Blue” is filled with fans who were inspired to take up the blues by his example, Annie Raines among them.

“That sound has a heritage, the spirit of the (Mississippi) Delta,” she tells us.

Filmmakers Bestor Cam and Mike Majoros build their documentary around a Narrows Center (Fall River, Massachusetts) concert appreciation of Cotton, one of several he was honored with during his lifetime, and after he died.

A roundtable of players, members of Cotton’s Blues Band and others, reminisce.

And the filmmakers rounded up Buddy Guy, Keb’ Mo’ and Bobby Rush to place Cotton’s talent on the “Mount Rushmore” of the blues, and Steve Miller, Jimmie Vaughan and others back up his “blues gangster” reputation. Cotton packed a pistol because he was “shot five times” at one point, allegedly by the husband or boyfriend of a woman Cotton was stepping out with.

“Mistaken identity” a couple of interviewees suggest. Or maybe not, others wink.

Either way, in “Bonnie Blue” Cotton comes off as both a virtuoso and a something of a character, falling down the usual musical potholes — cheating management, alcohol and drugs — only to re-emerge, re-ignite his career and cement his reputation as he put in more decades of educating the world’s youth after his “music with a (Delta) heritage.”

Rating: unrated

Cast: Bobby Rush, Keb’ Mo’, Steve Miller, Buddy Guy, Jimmie Vaughan, Annie Raines, Billy Branch, Jacklyn Cotton and James Cotton.

Credits: Directed by Bestor Cam, scripted by Mike Majoros. A Freestyle release.

Running time: 1:27

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Classic Film Review: The Sexual Sensory Overload of “Black Narcissus” (1947)

Long regarded as “the most beautiful film ever shot in color,” Michael Powell and Emeric Pressburger’s “Black Narcissus” remains a feast for the eyes, one unspoiled by the knowlege that most every dazzling image put on the screen was manipulated, faked and seamlessly folded in to a tale of nuns going a tad mad in the Himalayas.

If ever there was an exemplar of “the heightened reality of the cinema,” this film is it. The fourth film The Archers (their production company) shot in Technicolor, and filmed pretty much entirely on soundstages in the U.K. — and a famed British garden — Powell, Pressburger, production designer Alfred Junge and his matte painting team create an Indian highlands of the mind. This is a world of altitude and ancient people and places, of mysticism, flowers and peaks and pastel vistas — created by taking black and white photographs of the region and heightening the colors through chalk and paint.

Over 75 years since its release, the resulting film still dazzles.

It’s a grand showcase for screen legend Deborah Kerr, an English rose so suited to a nun’s habit that she donned one again a few years later for “Heaven Knows, Mr. Allison.” But it’s also the career highlight for macho baritone David Farrar, another gem on the resume of Flora Robson (“The Sea Hawk”) a great stepping stone for future star Jean Simmons and the most acclaimed film for the first Indian actor to make a great impact in the West — Sabu, star of The Archers’ “The Thief of Bagdad,” the first filmed version of “The Jungle Book” and “Arabian Nights.”

The English novelist Rumer Godden grew up in India and conjured up a remote setting for a classic clash of cultures — a palace, formerly a harem for a local potentate and decorated with erotic images of befitting the ruler’s “House of Women,” repurposed by a later leader as a convent for prim, reserved English Catholic nuns.

They’d teach the local children, run a medical dispensary and live among the “simple” and ancient natives. It isn’t just the altitude and foreignness of Mopu Palace that throws them. It’s the eroticism. The hunky Englishman Mr. (Farrar), agent and fixer for the old, one-eyed Indian general (Desmond Knight) who requested their mission predicts their failure. A previous monastery of monks in the same quarters didn’t last a full year.

“It’s no place for a nunnery!”

And Mr. Dean’s short-shorts, hairy-chested open shirts and almost as open leering at the first-time Sister Superior (Kerr) and her four nuns (Robson, Judith Furse, Jenny Laird and Kathleen Byron) are both an open temptation and open challenge to their declared aims.

They’ve barely arrived up, with the old general paying the natives to attend their school and seek aid from the dispensary, when a new problem is thrust upon them. A local teen Kanchi (Jean Simmons, bejeweled and in dark makeup) has not come of age, but is fully aware of the power she already has over men. She and the highly-strung, unstable and coquettish Sister Ruth (Byron) may prove to be the biggest challenges our new Sister Superior faces.

Well, they and the preening, handsome and curious son of the general (Sabu) who arrives at a school for children and insists that he be educated and instructed as well. That cologne he’s wearing, the one Kanchi swoons over?

“Black Narcissus,” or “Narcisse Noir,” a scent popular with British Army officers under the Raj.

Earthly temptation all around, problems concrete and abstract that only the smirking Mr. Dean seems to anticipate or be any help in solving, and at every turn, gloomy ledges with no guardrails foreshadowing doom — accidents, or an hysterical leap into the void.

“Remember, the superior of all is the servant of all,” is the only advice her own Mother Superior gave Sister Superior Clodagh.

In this post-war film, Powell and Pressburger found the perfect setting for a parable of the end of the British Empire. Cultures clash, and the British Catholic nuns — repressed oppressors who think the “childish” natives “all look alike” and “smell,” are the last to figure out they simply don’t belong here.

“It’s this wind,” isn’t the problem. No, it’s not “the water” that is hitting the nuns hard. Dean’s sneering “What would Christ have done?” challenges summon up what none of them are prepared to face.

Kerr figured out how a nun’s habit could add layers of understatement to a performance and used that covering to mask Sister Clodagh’s doubts, worries and rising panic. Flashbacks (not seen in the initital U.S. release, or in versions shown in the States for years) give us Clodagh’s back-story, a pretty young woman with great prospects for a monied marriage in Ireland. But something happened.

Everyone else here is a mystery, and the movie is the richer for it. Tragic traditions are explained, an old folk tale of “the prince and the beggar woman” is relived and everything quietly teeters toward the small scale disaster that we know is to come.

Kerr, later a six time Oscar nominee, would revisit this Englishwoman-in-Asia setting for the cloying “The King and I” and gain her greatest fame by shedding her “habit” and playing a cheating Army wife in “From Here to Eternity.”

Simmons’s later stardom would present her as a by-then-outdated version of Kerr, something she sent up when she was cast in “Guys and Dolls.”

Powell and Pressburger’s run of masterpieces would climax the very next year with “The Red Shoes.” And with the passage of time, their glorious mastery of the possibilities of the hyper-reality of Technicolor would only grow in stature and legend.

Many’s the epic I’ve watched in recent decades — “Heaven’s Gate” to “Out of Africa” to Powell-fan Martin Scorsese’s “Gangs of New York,” “Kundun” and “Silence,” to “Horizon: An American Saga” — that made me think, “This isn’t nearly gorgeous enough to achieve ‘grandeur.'”

Powell and Pressburger set the sumptuous, over-saturated color bar so high so very long ago that one wonders if any film will ever best their very best.

star

Rating: TV-PG, adult themes

Cast: Deborah Kerr, David Farrar, Kathleen Byron, Sabu, Judith Furse, Jenny Laird, May Hallat, Eddie Whaley, Jr., Flora Robson and Simmons.

Credits: Scripted and directed by Michael Powell and Emeric Pressburger, based on a novel by Rumer Godden. A J. Arthur Rank release. on Tubi, other streamers

Running time: 1:41

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Netflixable? Korean expats figure out “Bogota” is the “City of the Lost”

“Bogota: City of the Lost” is an underworld “how criminals crime” procedural with an exotic setting and fish-out-of-water characters but no pace or narrative drive worthy of its novelty.

A tale that is voice-over-narrated to death by our smuggler-on-the-rise, it’s like a low stakes, myopic “Blow,” where the goals are modest and dull and somewhat heartless.

Plenty of Westerns have gotten by on telling a lawless tale in a lawless place with nothing but male protagonists. Korean ex-pats smuggling Korea lingerie and Korean down parkas into ’90s and early 2000s Colombia? By the standards of that then-blighted country, these guys are strictly small-time.

Motorbike armed robberies targeting newcomers are just the periphery of a crimescape cursed with cartels and corruption, but at least not “broke” like the Korea people like the Song family have fled.

Dad (Kim Jong Soo) has an old Army buddy from his Vietnam War service he has to rely on when he can’t get his family from Korea to the United States.

Sgt. Park (Kwon Hae Hyo) has set himself up as a smuggling kingpin, bribing the bribable, price-cutting the competition. He’s spun his own self-made myth about his place in Bogota as well. But he knows the locals — Korean and Colombian — still call him “Cuca,” short for “Cucuracha” (“cockroach).

Teenaged Song Kook-hee (Song Joong-ki) may have a name that Colombians and Koreans laugh at as sounding like “cookie” (or “kooky”). But as he starts as a delivery boy, showing his mettle as a driver of the trucks led by Sgt. Park’s top lieutenant (Lee Hee-joon) through roadblocks, bribes and “rebel” hijackings, he finds his loyalties divided.

Jeon Su Yeong sees through Sgt. Park’s bluster and dreams of setting up shop on his own. With Colombian smugglers and Colombian officials trying to limit the Korean impact on their economy, and with paranoid Park always keeping an ear open for betrayals, this seems like a long shot.

Perhaps the young driver has the instincts to elbow his way to the top, to the “sixth level” of Buddhism the mobsters speak of as their ultimate goal — comfort, power and happiness.

Voice-over narration explains the smuggling pipeline. Years pass — the film begins with the Korean Financial Crisis of 1997 — and we see, and hear narration, that shows us how Kook-hee devolves from victim to fellow predator in “a country where nothing goes well, but nothing is impossible.”

Director and co-writer Seong-je Kim leans on that laziest of crutches — voice-over — like a filmmaker certain he’s telling a “saga” despite the myopic community depicted here and their pitiful risk-reward ratio.

The violence that beefs up the third act is nothing special, but we do learn how Kook-hee finally masters the threat of motorcycle drive-by robberies or shootings. That “solution” is as dull as too much of what has proceded it.

Even the most charismatic characters — and Kook-hee isn’t that — need cool clashes, crisp stand-offs and the like to register. Song Joong-ki does what he can, but all his narration detracts from the striking setting and dangers of crossing the wrong people in Colombia at its most violent.

Rating: TV-MA, violence, drug abuse

Cast: Song Joong-ki, Kwon Hae-hyo, Lee Hee-joon and
Kim Jong Soo

Credits: Directed by
Seong-je Kim, scripted by Seong-je Kim and Hwang Seong-gu. A Netflix release.

Running time: 1:48

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Movie Preview: “Jurassic World Rebirth,” a waste of Scarlett Johansson and Mahershala Ali?

Rupert Friend and Ed Skrein are the other big names in this reboot of the venerable franchise. But ScarJo and Oscar winner Ali stand out. He could use a big pagday, I dare say.

Johannson? If this is the way she wants to go…

July 2, 2025. Yay.

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Movie Preview: Public Domain “Popeye?” “Shiver Me Timbers,” the Red Band Trailer

So this is a hard-R rated trailer for the kiddie cartoon hero Popeye the Sailor Man, a character that moved into the public domain — like Winnie the Pooh, et al — and is now up for grabs for a little silly exploitation film.

“Shiver Me Timbers” features “Popeye the Slayer Man” and was made by a bunch of folks who like splatter films, with a dash and sex and drugs. And don’t know how to pronounce “Halley’s Comet.”

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Movie Preview: Waitress by day, Lady Wrassler by night at a time when being “Queen of the Ring” was Illegal

Emily Bett Rickards (“Arrow”) stars as real-life wrestling pioneer Mildred Burke in this 1930s period piece, with Josh Lucas as the manager who believes in her and Francesca Eastwood, Walton Goggins and Tyler Posey in support.

This opens March 7. Looks plucky.

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Movie Preview: Skarsgard and Hopkins star in the remake of “4×4” — “Locked”

I was wondering my review of this taut, sinister Argentine thriller “4×4” was trending, four years after I wrote it.

And when the film came out, I wondered how long it would take for Hollywood to cast and remake this claustrophobic, paranoid jewel?

Bill Skarsgard plays the car thief enticed to break it or the wrong SUV. Anthony Hopkins provides the voice of The sadistic creep who wants to torture his burglar to death. 

March 21, will Mister “It” escape from that super luxurious SUV?

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