“Love Hurts” is the first true star vehicle for former child actor turned Oscar winner Ke Huy Quan, who takes his shot at carrying a movie with an action comedy about a mild-mannered realtor who used to be an enforcer for his mob boss brother.

So it’s a variation of the time-tested “man we don’t realize has ‘particular skills'” plot, comically violent like “Nobody,” violent violent like “The Bee Keeper.”

But while onetime stuntman Quan can handle the fight choreography well-enough to hide (most) of the edits between what he does and where the stunt double takes over, and the supporting cast includes reliably amusing Rhys Darby, sometimes amusing Marshawn Lynch, Lio Tipton, reliable heavies Daniel Wu and Cam Gigandet and as a bonus for the fankids — Sean Astin, Quan’s “Goonies” co-star — the film doesn’t work.

Quan might be the worst thing about it. And stuntman-turned-first-time-director Jonathan Eusebio can do nothing to hide that.

Quan plays Marvin “Marv” Gable, a mild-mannered, eager-beaver realtor in nondescript urban Wisconsin. He is Mr. “I want a house for You!” at Frontier Realty.

“I pour everything into it because it’s meaningful!” he insists, and his assistant (Tipton, who used to be “Analeigh Tipton” and whose credits go back to “Big Bang Theory,” “Lucy” and “Mississippi Grind”) buys in.

But somebody is defacing his bus bench pictures all over town, drawing mustaches on them. And somebody sent him a Valentine’s card that chills him to the marrow.

“I’m Back!” a mystery figure tells him.

A worried Marv barely has time to accept his Realtor of the Year placard from his good ol’boy boss (Astin) and dash off to close a sale before all hell breaks loose, in the form of two supposedly competent mob enforcers (ex-footballer Lynch and André Eriksen). Some guy named Merlot (Gigandet) is after him.

And his brother, aka “Knuckles” (Wu, of TV’s “American Born Chinese”) would like a word.

Because that card went to a lot of people. And the person who sent them knows things and stole things and is named Rose (DeBose). She’s “back” and ready to cash in or bring a whole crime empire crashing down.

Quan’s Marvin is a reformed man of violence, a crook whose reform came in the form of real estate. That’s meant to be a laugh. And it doesn’t hurt that Marv’s key rival in the market is played by Drew Scott, one of TV’s “Property Brothers.” I laughed at that, and at the hidden side the script gives Scott’s character.

But not much else that was meant to be comical landed in all of this.

There’s mayhem, wanton bloodshed, barely-survivable wounds that are shrugged-off and an NRA convention’s supply of “firepower” and ammunition expended.

DeBose as the elusive Rose is meant to be Marv’s great unrequited love. She never gives us a moment’s doubt that this is never-to-be. Can’t Marv see through that?

The three-handed script uses lazy stretches of voice-over by Marv and later Rose to tie up loose ends and keep this short but slow-moving brawl on its feet. And it leans heavily on sentiment, which doesn’t suit the material. At all.

“I believe in absolution and second chances,” Marv’s boss intones, no pulpit necessary.

“Love Hurts” is cartoonish enough that we don’t believe a single character, situation or reaction to an act of violence is “real.” Like a former hitman can hide in plain sight in a city papered with his billboards and bus benches. But other movies with a similar unreality have come off.

This one lands punches but rarely laughs, reaches for pathos where there is none and relies heavily on the sentiment that earned Quan an Oscar for being the fifth best player in a film that became a phenomenon. He is overmatched in almost every scene where he’s paired-up with a more charismatic actor, which is pretty much all of them. Watch him with his “brother” Wu, and try to remember who the star of the picture is while you do.

But maybe that “Goonies” reunion will happen after all.

Rating: R, bloody violence, profanity

Cast: Ke Huy Quan, Ariana DeBose, Lio Tipton, Marshawn Lynch, Daniel Wu, Rhys Darby, André Eriksen, Sean Astin and Cam Gigandet

Credits: Directed by Jonathan Eusebio, scripted by Matthew Murray, Josh Stoddard and Luke Passmore. A Universal release.

Running time: 1:23