Movie Review: Beware the D-Movie horrors of “Bermuda Island”

Tom Sizemore is decades beyond his “Saving Private Ryan” glory. But he’s top billed in “Bermuda Island,” a plane crash thriller that in no way should be confused with “Plane.”

Spoiler alert — Sizemore, playing a flight attendant (Stop laughing!) doesn’t make it…through the first act. Spoiler alert, neither does the drug and gun dealer who is second billed.

As that character’s arrest and shoot-out was the focus of the movie’s drawn out first scene, feel free to shout “What the hell was the point of HIM?”

“Bermuda Island” is every bad thing about “Lost,” everything that “Plane” got right done wrong, every “performance” no one ever bought into on “Survivor.”

It’s “Airplane” without the (intentional) laughs, a disaster film in every meaning of the word. Bad writing, bad effects, bad acting, inept directing, the whole shooting, plane-crashing, character-devouring mess is just excruciating to sit through.

A plane loaded with aspiring-to-D-list players cast as “types” is headed for Puerto Rico when it goes down in a storm. Not before the murderer being extradited (Noel Gugliemi) breaks free of his four FBI guards and guns most of them down — mid-flight.

The jetliner is tiny, yet the passengers, once they wash ashore, keep speaking of “hundreds” of casualties.

The disorganized dunces declare “We need to start surviving!” But none knows how. They bicker over what their priorities should be.

“And who put YOU in charge?”

It’s not like the ditzy Ozzy Osborne meets Boy George rocker named Midnight (Greg Tally) has anointed himself leader. Or the pilot.

“One job! Couldn’t even keep the plane in the air!”

Wouldn’t you know it, they’re not alone. There are people there. And people in monster costumes, too.

This thriller goes from bad to worse without the good manners of providing any one element that could be latched on to as more hilariously bad than the next. I couldn’t even find the elements of a bad movie drinking game out of this.

But at least Sizemore got off lightly.

Rating: graphic violence

Cast: Tom Sizemore, Noel Gugliemi, John Wells, Sarah French, Sherri Davis, Greg Tally, Victor V. Gelsomino and Wesley Cannon.

Credits: Directed by Adam Werth, scripted by Robert Thompson. A Gravitas Ventures release.

Running time: 1:26

About Roger Moore

Movie Critic, formerly with McClatchy-Tribune News Service, Orlando Sentinel, published in Spin Magazine, The World and now published here, Orlando Magazine, Autoweek Magazine
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