Movie Review: A Swiss Mom Takes Lovers to Fool Her son about his father — “Let Me Go”

“Let Me Go” is an intimate, brittle and somewhat chilly Swiss romance about a 40something single mom who stumbles into her feelings, despite a lifetime of avoiding that trap.

Jeanne Balibar stars as a small town seamstress who takes regular commuter rail visits to a nearby resort for casual lunch pick-ups, sex and small talk.

It’s a bit more than you think.

Claudine bribes the desk clerk (Adrian Sevigny) to find out who’s by himself, and who is due to check out “tomorrow.” She approaches the table of each mark, confidant of her looks — she makes her own dresses as well as many others’ — and appeal, and hits each man up with questions about where he’s from and most importantly, “What’s it like there?” (in French with English subtitles).

She wants details about the street life, neighborhoods and people of Florence, Brighton et al. She doesn’t take notes. But she parrots those details in letters she writes to her 30something special needs son Baptiste (Pierre-Antoine Dubey), telling them they’re from his long-estranged father, who travels for business.

Claudine is a woman of routine — customers, their daughters and granddaughters, age-appropriate outfits for the seniors, a wedding dress when the need arises, train trips and posting letters.

But let’s not leave out the transactional nature of all this. She has sex with these pick-ups. Just a coy-not-coquettish “let’s go to your room,” and she satisfies her urges and his, and in essence compensates each man for his story of where he lives.

Amusingly, the pushy Brit from Brighton (Alex Freeman) doesn’t get to cross that finish line.

But this routine, catering to her Princess Diana and Johnny Logan fan son in the late ’90s, is interrupted by the charming man who picks up her dropped scarf on the aerial tramway up a mountain on one of these treks. The hotel overlooks a lake, and to get to it she walks across a dam.

Michael (Thomas Sarbacher) is a journalist who writes and photographs stories about such hydro projects. Claudine must cope with a guy she’s a bit interested in, someone worthy of more than just her skip-the-preliminaries, avoid the niceties of conversation (“books,” “things in common”) hook-ups.

And that forces her to wrestle with what’s best for her son, who is a tad under-socialized hanging around her home sewing shop, with only elderly sitter Chantal (Véronique Mermoud) there to teach him sonatinas on the piano while Mom’s off collecting another man, another story to send in a letter (no postcards or photos) as this week’s version of his “Dad.” He needs to be in a group home.

Balabar gives the film it’s arms-length iciness, a woman of expectations and routines, shut off from the emotions that led up to a marriage to a man who left her with a disabled son to raise and care for by herself. Claudine is practical and earthy, sexual and businesslike. Letting her feelings figure in the decisions is out-of-cultural-stereotype-character for someone so very Swiss.

The script’s period piece choices are solely based on the need to keep seamstress as a viable livelihood and Princess Diana as a style icon. You’ll know it’s 1998 by the time the big news story of that year crashes into the headlines.

Writer-director Maxime Rappaz had two female co-writers’ help with the script, and it wasn’t enough to give this story warmth, romance and stakes beyond the biff-bam-thankyou-man nature of the “affairs.” Not enough is done to distinguish the German from Hamburg from all the other guys Claudine sleeps with and make their connection special.

But it’s an engrossing character portrait of a woman who has been so on-task for so long that she doesn’t recognize real romance when it shows up and makes her an offer of a better or at least different life, and her struggles with what to do with that.

Rating: unrated, sex, nudity, smoking

Cast: Jeanne Balabar, Pierre-Antoine Dubey, Véronique Mermoud, Adrian Sevigny and Thomas Sarbacher

Credits: Scripted and directed by Maxime Rappaz, with additional script assistance by Marion Vernoux and Florence Seyvos. A Film Movement+ release.

Running time: 1:33

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Classic Film Review: Dick Powell knows when Time’s Up as “Johnny O’Clock”(1947)

There’s aren’t a lot of stars from Golden Age Hollywood that I regard as “can’t miss.” It’s basically a list that starts and ends with Dick Powell.

Even Bogart had a misfire or two. John Wayne was a lumbering lump out of the saddle. Bette Davis, Crawford, Cooper, Grant, Stanwyck, all had their programmers and contractual obligation projects.

But Powell gave fair value every time out. If the writing was even half-decent, he’d give you crackling wisecracks and tough-guy talk in that William Powell meets Bogart persona he carved out in film noir.

“Johnny O’Clock” may not have the twistiest or most intricate plot of Peak Powell pictures like “Murder, My Sweet,” “Pitfall” or “Cry Danger.” But with Robert “All the King’s Men/The Hustler” Rossen’s script and Powell’s way with a line, this down-and-dirty double-cross thriller just sings.

“In return for certain information,” a cop teases…

“You’ll do what?”

“I’ll give you a break.”

“My arms or my legs?”

“Koch,” the inspector is called.

“How’d you spell it? ‘C-O-P?'”

Powell plays the title character, one of many aliases this big city casino manager has used since the war. But he’s got a dirty, greedy cop (Jim Bannon) elbowing and threatening to take over his half of the business he runs with the mob boss (Thomas Gomez) Marschettis.

The boss’s bomshell wife (Ellen Drew, not subtle and good at it) never got over Johnny. His hat check girl (Nina Foch) is mixed up with the crooked detective Blayden. People are going to die. People are going to disappear. And the inspector on the case isn’t the only one giving Johnny the stink eye over all of this.

That’s the perfect time for the hat check girl’s chorine sister (Evelyn Keyes) to show up, rattled and grief stricken.

“What do I do now, Johnny?”

“Dry your eyes and blow your nose — in the order named.”

Powell doesn’t get all the good lines. But the former musical comedy star knew how to make them pop, how to make the underworld argot sound natural, no matter how polished the tough guy in the tux might seem.

Lee J. Cobb wasn’t born with a stogie sticking out of his mug, but nobody was more at home with one, a fedora and a badge. He leans back into his role as Koch. He knows he’s here to look tough, ask questions and absorb Johnny’s zingers.

“You mind if I have a laugh in your face?”

Keyes, of “Here Comes Mr. Jordan,” makes the “love interest” a cynical, worldly but instantly love-struck foil.

Gomez oozes menace, as does John Kellogg as Johnny’s ex-con bodyguard/assistant. Look for future leading man Jeff Chandler in a bit part, cracking a joke at the poker table after the players hear a fusillade of gunfire.

“Somebody’s got a nasty cough.”

It’s a bit too slick to be one of the great noirs. The corruption is superficial, not something you feel and smell in the shadows. The “set-up” is a tad too obvious.

But Rossen’s plotting and dialogue keeps the picture moving, for the most part. A montage of close-ups of card shuffling and chips stacking at the casino has become a favorite cinematic shortcut for immersing us in gambling without showing any gambling to speak of.

And Powell delivers, a leading man who’d never steer you wrong, never let you underestimate him and never blow a punch line. Ever. I laughed and laughed at his comebacks.

The chorine wants the piano player to stop playing depressing music? A simple “Knock it off” would never do for Dick Powell.

“You, with the hands. Go. Home.

Rating: TV-PG, violence

Cast: Dick Powell, Evelyn Keyes, Ellen Drew, Lee J. Cobb, Nina Foch, John Kellogg, Jim Bannon, Jeff Chandler and Thomas Gomez.

Credits: Scripted and directed by Robert Rossen. A Columbia Pictures release on Tubi, Amazon, other streamers

Running time: 1:37

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Movie Preview: ScarJo goes British? “Sister” to Sienna Miller, lover to Freida Pinto, Daughter to Kristin Scott Thomas in “My Mother’s Wedding”

I had not posted, to my knowledge, a single trailer from the latest “Jurassic” installment. I can’t sit in a theater watching Scarlett Johansson try to make it real, make it interesting, make it anything other than the empty-headed crap it’s almost certain to be.

But this? This looks cute, if kind of inconsequential. And challenging. She’s got to play a gay Royal Navy sibling to Sienna Miller and Emily Beechum, and partner to Freida Pinto (if I’m reading this trailer right).

Kristin Scott-Thomas directs and co-stars and has a little “Four Weddings” reunion with James Fleet in this “Wedding” cake.

Hope this gets wider distribution than Vertical normally manages. August 8 we’ll find out.

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Movie Review: Mom’s lost it, Dad’s “rescued” her and Kids Give Chase — “A Kind of Madness”

It must be the lucid moments that hurt the most, the ones that can remind those with dementia or the other madnesses of old age of just what they’ve lost and what a fog they’re trapped in the rest of the time.

That’s the big take-away from “A Kind of Madness,” a sweet, amusing, sad and just sentimental enough South African dramedy about a great love affair’s final Grand Gesture.

We meet Ellie and Daniel when they met — half a century ago — on Walker Bay. He pulled her out of the water, where flower child Ellie was “trying to remember what it was like to die.” She’d almost drowned as a little girl. When Dan figures out what she means, “morbid” or not, he’s smitten.

“Teach me how to die.”

A whirlwind romance, over the disapproval of her parents, saw them road tripping across the country in his new Ford Taunus wagon, sailing the coast on his 38 foot sloop.

But an accident is what jars Ellie awake in a hospital bed. She’s confused about where she is and why.

“You’re exactly where you’re supposed to be,” the head nurse reminds her, as she does every day. Ellie is 70ish and in Memory Care (Frail Care Unit is how they describe it in South Africa). Her panic and rages just tip us that she’s “off” her anti-psychotic meds.

Only a comforting visit from Daniel (Ian Roberts of “Tsotsi”) can calm Ellie (Sandra Prinsloo of “The Gods Must be Crazy”). But that’s no comfort. Daniel takes Ellie’s latest “I don’t BELONG here” as a call to action. They make a break for it.

Aww, he still has that same ’70s yellow Ford wagon. Isn’t that cute?

The people who don’t think any of this is adorable are their adult children. Olivia (Amy Louise Wilson) is a chef in mid-service when she gets the call. Lucy (Erica Wessels) is a psychotherapist between patients. And the youngest, Ralph (Evan Hengst) is gay and on the verge of a poolside pickup when his life is interrupted.

Lucy is the one who appreciates Mom’s illness and how scary it is for her to be off her meds. Olivia is resentful as this distraction from her life. And Ralph acts guilty as he tries to talk reason to their father when they finally get him on the phone.

No worries. Ralph turns on the tracker for Dad’s phone. Whatever merry chase Dan was going to lead them on, whatever “plan” he comes up with, the kids are right on his heels — talking a cop out of arresting Mom, chasing them across a lake or through the woods.

The flashbacks is in this Christiaan Olwagen film — he did “Poppie Nongena” and a recent South African adaptation of “The Seagull” — give it the air of “The Notebook.” But the sentimental is upended by the practical as we spend more time with the irate, panicked and bickering children. And one of her flashbacks will reveal why Ellie is haunted by visions of an opera singer dressed all in red, why that image obsesses her in her least lucid moments.

The narrative gives us plenty of reminders of how dangerous this situation is, for the demented Ellie and for anyone around her. She might get behind the wheel. She might get hold of Dan’s gun. We invest in this dubious quest, and we fear for where this is going because we all remember “Chekhov’s Gun,” and how Ellie and Dan met.

Movies tend to sentimentalize madness, but co-writers Olwagen and Wessel Pretorious jar the movie back to reality by chasing cute moments with ugly ones, and returning time and again to the children, who are reminded constantly by the expert eldest sibling how badly this could go.

Olwagen deserves a lot of credit for making this a “real world” South African story. The scenery is stunning, and there far more Black people in it than such whitewashed movies as “Semi-Soeter” would show.

Dan speaks Xhosa to his Black countrymen, and the supporting cast is as colorful as you’d expect from this milieu. Understanding, compassion and kindness rear their heads, even as Lucy is climbing onto the hood of a Black policewoman’s car in an effort to stop an arrest and “explain.” Dan doesn’t have that kind of “understanding” from a white cop.

The performances move, amuse and to a one pop — especially Wessels and Wilson as the two feuding sisters. They get the best lines.

“You’re taking this guilt trip alone!”

“What you’re resisting will persist, Liv!”

“A Kind of Madness” delivers an incredibly touching finale, and a just-mysterious-enough coda that lets us guess how this will end up. It’s wistful and sad and uplifting in unexpected ways as it underscores the prophecy of the knowing nurse (her name is omitted from any cast list I can find) who counsels the family about what’s really going on here.

“The heart always remembers even when the mind forgets.”

Rating: PG, fairly explicit sex, some profanity

Cast: Sandra Prinsloo, Ian Roberts, Erica Wessels, Amy Louise Wilson and Evan Hengst

Credits: Directed by Christiaan Olwagen, scripted by Christaan Olwagen and Wessel Pretorious. An MGM release on Amazon Prime.

Running time: 1:39

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Movie Preview: Tony Hale’s Kid can “Sketch” a magical world to life with just a pen

This August 6 looks sweet and Angel Studios wholesome.

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Netflixable? Careerists find Baby Fever “Semi-Soeter” (Semi-Sweeter) in this South African farce

“Semi-Soeter” is a broad, low-hanging fruit “Who has time for a baby?” comedy from South Africa.

It’s a sequel to “Semi-Soet” (Semi Sweet), a 2012 South African hit about an ad agency careerist, Jaci (Anel Alexander) who hires a model to be her fake boyfriend, J.P. (Nico Panagio) to close a deal. The new film brings back our leads, now long-married and committed to remaining baby-free a dozen years later.

But there’s this OTHER deal with a baby product empire. Maybe if they pretend to have a baby? Surely they wouldn’t…

Ah, but that’s the point of bringing back their besties, long-married/lots of kids Karla (Sandra Vaughn, who co-wrote the sequel with Alexander) and Hertjie (Louw Venter). They’ve been breeding like guppies over the past dozen years. Of course they’ve got an infant to lend out. They INSIST.

That’s literally the plot of this bland and predictable farce, with Karla and Hertjie shoving their newborn onto Jaci/J.P. at one of those “weekend retreat at a resort” competitions to “win” the Texas-based yBab Co. account.

Every single thing in that last sentence only happens in film comedies, most often in the least original ones.

J.P. has let out that his “swimmers” have problems, so Jaci can’t get pregnant. But she is, and even though it’s by him, she can’t bring herself to tell him she’s with child. So they’re stuck with her secret and a pooping, borrowed baby who seems to justify J.P.’s aversion to parenthood with every fresh diaperload. Jaci can’t tell him because she thinks he’s baby-phobic. As we see how ineptly Jaci handles the infant herself, we wonder if either of these two — rich as they are — is cut out for parenthood.

J.P.’s old boarding school rival (Neels van Jaarsveld) and his celebrity wife (Diann Lawrenson) are up for the same account. That “baby” seems suspicious to them, so a little sabotage-their-scam is in order.

Pal Hertjie wonders if their old classmate “still has that ‘Punch Me’ face?” Hint. Of course he does.

Baby monitor gags, lost baby jokes, a diaper “tasting” game straight out of baby showers and a whole subplot about a start-up rugby league in Dubai needing advertising/PR help, with a security-conscious sheikh playing into the narrative as another reason “We can’t have a baby” all figure in what’s to come.

If you’ve seen one “what’s the deal with babies” comedy, you’ve heard the “What do they FEED him?” (in Afrikaans, or dubbed into English) joke more than once.

Even dubbed, the dialogue has lots of South African slang for barbecue (braii), lots of talk about the ‘Boks — if you remember the Matt Damon/Morgan Freeman drama “Invictus,” you remember the national rugby team is called The Springboks — and the like.

Our South African-born “Texan” entrepreneur (Hélène Truter) speaks with a South African/Texan drawl. Most peculiar.

The odd Elon Musk reference just underscores the film’s affluent resorts and exclusive housing developments setting, and the fact that Black faces are rarely seen in this (comic, cinematic, not-wholly-post-Apartheid) world.

The tone is light enough, even if we have to wonder why these particular rich Afrikaners haven’t figured out money makes procreating easy.

But what’s most-missed in this corny comedy are jokes. Just a couple of one-liners, a sight gag and a lone bit of physical shtick translate as funny.

The rest is as colorless as its cast.

Rating: TV-PG, pooh-pooh jokes

Cast: Anel Alexander, Nico Paganio, Louw Venter, Sandra Vaughn,
Diaan Lawrenson, Hélène Truter and Neels van Jaarsveld

Credits: Directed by Joshua Rous, scripted by Sandra Vaughn and Anel Alexander. A Netflix release.

Running time: 1:38

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Movie Preview: Julia Garner’s a teacher whose class disappears, Josh Brolin wants to know where they went — “Weapons”

This one’s giving off “Stranger Things/Village of the Damned” vibes.

Been meaning to post it all weekend, as this second trailer is one of the best previews in theaters right now.

Toby Huss, Alden Ehrenreich, Benedict Wong and Amy Madigan also star in this August 8 thriller.

So the kids are kidnapped to be used as…”Weapons?” Call us intrigued.

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Classic Film Review: An English Child’s Eye View of WWII — “Hope and Glory

There’s a glorious nostalgia to the great British director John Boorman’s World War II memoir, “Hope and Glory.” The sentiment is what sticks with you, a naive child’s memories of not the fear, violence and loss, but of the freedom, togetherness and adventure of this high-stakes do-or-die fight against fascism.

I remember coming out of the theater positively giddy when this semi-autobiographical epic came out.

But the director of “Deliverance,” “Point Blank” and “Excalibur” only appears to be letting us, himself and his generation off easily. There are hints of the world and culture that gave birth to “Lord of the Flies,” the melodramatic trials of domestic life, the trauma of loss and the shifting mores of a generation shaped by the live-for-the-moment for tonight you may die immediacy of “their finest hour.”

Britain’s 75 year cultural obsession with “The War” is summed up in 113 minutes that only brush on the passing events on the continent. This was how a child too young to be terrified of “carpet bombing” and homemade bomb shelters and shrapnel and fears of a fascist takeover experienced that time.

The director of “The Emerald Forest” ensures that these memories are vivid, backlit and gorgeous — even the fireworks spectacle of a deadly night time air raid. And the filmmaker who gave us “Excalibur” ties his personal story into British myth, the one his generation created, burnished and embraced, if only in whitewashed brush strokes.

“Hope and Glory” — which takes its title from that most Brit-beloved passage of Elgar’s “Pomp & Circumstance” — is about the Rowan family, middle-class row-house Brits who ride out the war at home, and then with relatives.

Dad Clive (David Hayman) is 40something, patriotic and allowing himself the romance of “doing my bit” one more time. He will enlist after the fall of France. Mother Grace (Sarah Miles) isn’t keen about that idea, which Clive plunges into over her objections. He’s leaving her with three kids — including dizzy Dawn (Sammi Davis), reckless, a self-absorbed and boy crazy teen, and a very little girl Sue (Geraldine Muir) — to face the trials of “total war” at home on a soldier’s salary.

We see this fateful decision and the lives it leads to through the eyes of the middle child, little Bill (Sebastian Rice-Edwards), a strong-willed schoolboy who earns constant punishment from his head master, and who is quick to judge his dad’s decision to leave his family and his mother’s inability to prevent it.

There’s just enough movie newsreel introduction and snippets of radio news and speeches (Chamberlain, Churchill) to keep us apprised of this pre-D-Day “end of the beginning” era chronicle. This isn’t a WWII chronology.

“The war” is dramatized in theaters, visible in this distant contrails of dogfights in The Battle of Britain, present in the ever-wailing air raid sirens, hustled into the air raid shelter or below the stairs, the routine of counting the thumb of explosions to gauge one’s odds of the next bomb hitting close to home.

For Bill, it’s the magic of finding shrapnel shards in the family fence, scattered on the street, the bombed-out ruins that a gang of neighborhood pre-tween punks invade to smash anything not already destroyed.

Those kids, led by the mouthy ring-leader Roger (there’s one in every mob) set the tone for how the youngest approach what’s happening around them.

“D’ye know any SWEAR words?” is Roger’s (Nick Taylor) initiation test. “SAY them!”

But gathered in a mob, the children are distanced from the risks, and from empathy at each other’s losses. A child (Sara Langton) loses her home and her mother in a raid. She can’t even weep in her shock, has no way to process what’s happening. The boys all but taunt her, tactless in their curiosity. And the most compassionate words offered come from the littlest, Sue.

“Do you want to play?”

Dawn, running out into the street mid-air raid just to “see” and dance at the colors in the night sky, finding her first love in a GI (Jean-Marc Barr) when the Yanks join the conflict, seems as disconnected from the horrors as the younger kids.

“Nothing will ever be the same again,” she declares, because this is the most liberating thing she’s ever experienced.

Marriages will be tested and fail, prudish sexual mores are gone with the wind and the kids see all this and are shaped by it every day the conflict goes on.

And then the Rowans lose their house.

They’ll move in with irrascible Grandpa George (Ian Bannen), given to drunken toasts “to all the girls I’ve loved before” every Christmas, right in front of his wife (Annie Leon) and the daughters he named Grace, Faith, Hope and Charity. They’ll live in the suburbs, on the river. And it’s there that the tale’s tone turns even lighter.

“You want to know why they’re called Faith, Hope, Grace and Charity?”

“Why?”

“Your GRANDMOTHER! She named them after the virtues I lack. That’s marriage for you!”

Bannen kind of takes over the picture, as a summer idyll of cricket, punting and fishing on the river lets the war become even more distant in the children’s eyes, with a few comical exceptions.

Boorman’s tone here is sweet and safe, with Britain well into its “How I Won the War” sentimentalizing and sending up of the conflict. “Nothing” ever was “the same” after that, and while the filmmaker couldn’t have known how the country would change as that generation died out, that message he certainly got right.

His family film about his family included performances by daughter Katrine Boorman (as Charity, one of Grace’s sisters) and son Charley Boorman, who adds a dash of elan to a silent, lights-up-a-smoke, downed German fighter pilot who winds up in neighbor’s garden.

“Mind those Brussels sprouts, you!”

Katrine would go on to produce “Marie Antoinette.” Charley would turn his love of motorcycles and friendship with Ewan McGregor into a series of terrific long-distance travelogues.

Writer-director John was in his 50s when he made “Hope and Glory,” which was nominated for five Oscars. He’d do the Brendan Gleeson tour de force “The General” and a delightful take on Le Carre’s “The Tailor of Panama” with Geoffrey Rush before announcing his retirement (to me) when the equally autobiographical “Queen and Country” came out ten years ago.

For a filmmaker saddled with a few flops (“Zardoz,””Exorcist II: The Heretic”) he somehow managed to get three or four true “passion projects” on the screen, and rewarded his backers and film fans with the results, undeniable “classics” no matter how they were received (“Excalibur”) on release.

“Hope and Glory” beautifully and nostalgically lays out what formed this child of World War II, the generational experiences and the point of view that shaped his storytelling and informed his cinema for all the decades that followed.

Rating: PG-13, sexual situations, profanity, war’s violence and loss

Cast: Sarah Miles, David Hayman, Sebastian Rice-Edwards, Sammi Davis, Geraldine Muir, Derrick O’Connor, Jean-Marc Barr, Annie Leon and Ian Bannen, narrated by John Boorman.

Credits: Scripted and directed by John Boorman. A Columbia Pictures release streaming on Tubi, Amazon, et al

Running time: 1:53

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Movie Review: Stormare wants Kinnear to find Duhamel, who’s gone “Off the Grid”

Career bit player Ricky Russert, who was in “I, Tonya” and TV’s “Outer Banks” and even the recent “MacGuyer” reboot , gets a featured role as a villain in “Off the Grid,” a Josh Duhamel star-vehicle about a scientist who MacGuyvers his way out of many a jam with the ruthless goons who want what’s in his head.

Russert isn’t the only villain. In the chain of command, he’s the guy below scientist/project director Greg Kinnear and that scientist answers to murderously impatient oligarch in charge Peter Stormare. But Russert’s Marcus is the trigger man, the “heavy,” the guy with the most black t-shirts, jackets and slimfit jeans.

And to complete the character’s look, Russert made a choice. He went full Jack White — pale, with slippery black hair, everything but the famous hat and more recent rock star dye jobs. I kept expecting him to break into “a seven nation army couldn’t hold me back.”

The movie’s generic in the extreme, a bore that sent a mostly-American cast off to Italy where the production does its best to pass for the American Southeast, some easy drive or other from Memphis (Louisiana). But if the players got a paid Italian vacation out of it, the viewer’s allowed to hope for off-the-wall turns, or jokes. Because seriously, this isn’t serious.

There’s a revolutionary energy device that Belcor is close to getting. Or was until Guy Who Knows Stuff (Duhamel) fled rather than let his work be weaponized. Kinnear plays Ranish, the former mentor all-in with Belcor, the company and the fellow who owns it (Stormare).

Mr. “Off the Grid” lives in an aged Quonset hut, mindful of not exposing himself to electronic tracking, careful to park his motorcycle in the woods outside of town when he goes in for “supplies,” a bearded, backpacked Man with No Name.

But his old mentor knows the “Red Bull/dirt bike prepper” well. That’s how Marcus (Russert) is put on the scent.

“YOU’LL find him?” Ranish chuckles. “Not if he finds you first!”

Did anybody explain that this off-the-grid guy has “special skills,” military training or whatnot? If so, I missed it. Because aside from the punji sticks and other boobytraps (yawn) he’s set for any intruders on his turf, he’s tough enough to bust heads if need be.

Our hero is careful enough not to get close to anybody in this sleepy little not-supposed-to-be-Italian town. The college bound tech teen (Michael Zapesotsky) doesn’t need to know his name, just that he can double-check his computer codes, etc. The friendly barmaid/bar-owner Josie (María Elisa Camargo)? Kept at arm’s length.

And yet, he’s still discovered. And damned quickly, it turns out.

Russert gives minion-murdering Marcus a “stands out in a crowd” personality — dolled up in black, not paying for things at the shop, threatening locals, lying to law enforcement and shooting members of the “B-Team” and “C-Team” that’s sent to help him if and when they displease him.

The character should have had a mustache. To twirl. Because Russert serves up a villainous maniacal cackle or two.

The chases — on bike or on foot — are blasé, the action beats largely dependent on “traps” we see our Guy (IMDb says that’s Duhamel’s character’s name) prep and set. The few creative ones are lost in a collection of off-the-shelf remote-controlled-explosive-devices that you see in every B-movie thriller — a light on the designer bomb, flashing lights on the hand-held control that arms it and sets it off.

The script is a cut-and-paste job — lazy plotting, dull dialogue, no twists at all.

Duhamel has character traits to play — not many, though. There’s plenty of screen time for his go-to move, running his hand through his hair. A lot.

But hell, if a Jack White look-alike is playing your pursuer, what’s HE supposed to do when his dye-job gets in his eyes? A lot?

Rating: R, violence and lots of it, profanity

Cast: Josh Duhamel, Greg Kinnear, María Elisa Camargo, Ricky Russert, Michael Zapesotsky and Peter Stormare.

Credits: Directed by Johnny Martin, scripted by Jim Agnew. A Lionsgate release.

Running time: 1:46

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Movie Review: You’ll feel “Sweet Relief” when this inept indie thriller is over

It’s a little known truth of indie film sets that the “indier” the film, the less likely you’ll be able to tell the cast from the crew when visiting the shoot.

I came to this conclusion covering such low budget, tiny budget and micro-budget productions in multiple states over the years. And I was reminded of it just a few minutes into “Sweet Relief,” a stumbling, amateurish thriller filmed with Amherst, Massachusetts subbing for overgrown, backward BFE Rural America.

No, I didn’t have to read the movie’s Internet Movie Database page to realize whoever shot it (Students? Friends?) spent all of six days filming it.

The casts and crews of such films are inevitably young, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. The actors wear their own clothes, own tattoos and own piercings, and so does the crew, more than a few of whom figure they’re perky and good looking enough to act in movies themselves, and are often right.

But when you see a 20something with lots of ink, a mismatched tank top and cut off jeans and a hat from the horror anthology “VHS” as a character in “Sweet Relief,” you wonder if Adam Michael Kozak was doubling as a grip, setting up lights or reflectors between takes.

There are a couple of decent moments in the third act of this horror thriller, but that’s far too late to do much more than spare it the dreaded “zero stars out of four” rating. The pacing, shot selection, dialogue and plot are clumsy, under-workshopped and nearly unfilmmable. The acting isn’t uniformly bad, but by and large it’s awful enough to wonder if the crew wasn’t shoved in front of the camera because somebody better didn’t show up over those six days.

The score is tonally inappropriate Muzak, so “off” as to make you wonder if they thought any of this was funny.

In an unnamed town where no lawn is mowed, no playground is kept up and no street has a sidewalk, but everybody has Eco Warrior rainwater capturing rain barrels made from recycled plastic (Amherst, LOL) the kids are sharing this social media murder game “Sweet Relief.”

They make a challenge to each other, pointing out someone they’d like to kill or see dead, via cell phone video. The catch is, if they don’t go through with all the promised murders, the Sweet Angel — a dude in a rat or short-eared-bunny mask — will come and do them and all their family in.

Hannah, Lily and Corey (Lucie Rosenfeld, Jocelyn Lopez and Catie Dupont) make such a pact. An “annoying” baby sitter, a boy who jilted one of them and the “c–t mother” of the other seem to be the targets of their pact.

We see that first pointless, pitiless butchery and eventually another killing. But the narrative shifts to Hannah’s frustrated brother (Kozak), his live-in nurse girlfriend (Alisa Leigh), his “crazy” conspiracy theory fan mother (Jane Karakula) and this dopey, Halloween Store-costumed “cop” (B.R. Yeager) and a teen (Gianni Passiglia) he’s trying to impress take over the middle acts.

The cop’s a slob in a corrupt police department, up to no good and always trying to impress his brother officers and Kyle the kid he’s trying to make an informant.

“You shoulda SEEN me in Florida!” should’ve been enough to keep Gerald from getting a job at any other PD in the country. But that’s where law enforcement stands these days.

Social media “murder games” are discussed, murders are carried out, bodies are disposed of, a walk in the woods is interrupted by a swim in the lake (naturally, a woman does this), a witness idiotically confronts a perp and that damned bunny mask wearer is outed. And none of it amounts to anything worth 85 minutes of your time.

With Gerald as an exemplar, it’s no wonder no cop has found a body or sounded the alarm about all this. With soulless kids like this, it’s no wonder a high school science teacher (Paul Lazar) is the biggest conspiracy nut of all. He’s got his reasons.

Writer-director Nick Verdi isn’t quite as green as his surname. Close. He got something titled “Cockazoid” in the can, if not into theaters.

But with a cast like this, who needs a crew? I’ll bet Mr. “VHS” hat has a light meter in his cut-off shorts. If not him, then surely the teen killer girl in shortalls does.

Rating: Unrated, graphic violence, profanity, alcohol abuse, drug content

Cast: Alisa Leigh, B.R. Yeager, Joceyln Lopez, Lucie Rosenfeld, Adam Michael Kozak, Catie Dupont, Gianni Passiglia, Jane Karakula and Paul Lazar.

Credits: Scripted and directed by Nick Verdi. An Art Brut release.

Running time: 1:26

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