Netflixable? Troubled Couple’s Children have “Vanished into the Night”

The stakes could not be higher in the thriller “Vanished into the Night.” A father, in debt and going through a divorce, loses his children to kidnappers and must reconnect with a hoodlum from his wayward youth to raise the cash for the ransom.

The father is Italian, and there’s an implied “You how Italians are about their children.” The mother is American, a career woman who wants to get back to her career, and it’s implied that “you know how judgemental American career women can be.”

But there’s little urgency and the stakes never feel as high as you’d think in this twists-aplenty Italian remake of the Argentian thriller “The Seventh Floor.”

Some of that’s by design. The father Pietro, played the terrific Italian star Riccardo Scarmacio (“John Wick: Chapter 2,” “A Haunting in Venice”) reacts to this news as just what he has coming to him.

A messy, underscore-his-shortcomings divorce, his history of gambling an the ruinous gamble that he and his wife could buy a house in suburban Bari (in the south of Italy) and make it a profitable B & B have left him debt in the part of country where debts with the wrong folks can be dangerous. Scarmacio plays Pietro in a resigned panic. He could almost see this coming.

His wife’s panic takes the form of fury. He’ll have to come up with the money himself, and that means reconnecting with an unsavory old friend he keeps at arm’s length. The kids would love to call him “Uncle Nico” (Massimo Gallo), but Dad won’t have it.

Now, he’s got to beg for money from someone he’s shunned. When Nico gives him “a job” to pay for the cash, one that involves his semi-rigid dinghy (motorboat), Pietro’s panic about the kids recedes as he’s got to learn how to carry out a “meet” and “handover” and get back to shore before the Otranto authorities figure out what he’s up to.

There’s a melodramatic weight that hangs on this picture and threatens to smother the life out of it. This contrived incident leads to that one, and so on, with characters responding in ways that defy logic or common sense.

The script hangs on stereotypes, but the one director Renato De Maria accidentally includes is Italian indolence. There’s a lack of urgency that gives the film the feel of something unreal, as if Pietro is experiencing this in shock.

That’s a valid choice. Scarmacio’s Pietro faces violence like a man who’s forgetten how to be violent.

But the veteran British actress Wallis (“The Tudors,” “The Mummy”) struggles to convey panic, rage, motherliness or mystery in her performance. And Gallo’s Nico is written and played as a cartoon mobster — partying, acting over-familiar and failing to make his shunned and irked about it “old friend” convincing.

About the best thing one can say about this broken-watch/ticking clock thriller is its travelogue qualities. Whatever other movies have conveyed about the depth and dangers of organized crime in the south of Italy, “Vanished into the Night” (in Italian and English, with subtitles) makes a great advert for “Visit Scenic Bari.”

Rating: TV-MA, violence

Cast: Riccardo Scarmacio, Annabella Wallis and Massimo Gallo

Credits: Directed by Renato De Maria, scripted by Luca Infascelli and Francesca Mariana, based on the Argentine film “The 7th Floor,” scripted by Patxi Amezcua and Alejo Flah. A Netflix release.

Running time: 1:32

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Movie Preview: Kyle Mooney imagines what MIGHT have happened on “Y2K”


“Saturday Night Live” alumnus Mooney and music video director Evan Winter (credited as co-writer here) dreamed up an alt reality where instead of Bill Clinton & Co. planning for and preventing a cyber meltdown of computers on Jan 1, 2000, civilization parties its way into oblivion.

Dec. 6, this farcical reminder that competent governance matters when it comes to calamities comes to theaters.

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Classic Film Review: A Little Romance, a Touch of Class, and Class Warfare — “The Philadelphia Story” (1940)

It begins with a screwball tease — a couple, wordlessly breaking up, climaxing with the husband maniacally grabbing the wife by the forehead and shoving her back through the door and onto the floor.

But even though the wife is played by the fiesty fury Katharine Hepburn and the guy doing the over-the-top shoving is Cary Grant, a “tease” is as “screwball” as this gets.

This is “The Philadelphia Story”(1940), dear, not “Bringing Up Baby” (1938). And while more’s the pity that it isn’t, it’s still a shimmering, stately statement on “class” in Depression Era America, and the movie that won James Stewart his Oscar.

George Cukor’s film is a romance that just reeks of old money and Eastern “sophistication,” built around the actress who embodied those traits on and off the screen.

Sparkling wit that transcends one-liners, three big names heading the cast, lush sets and stunning costumes may heighten the sense of theatricality of MGM’s lavish film of the popular Philip Barry stage play of the day.

“Stately” here can stand for “classy” and a tad staid and slow. But Hepburn, Stewart and an underplaying (mostly) Grant and the cream of MGM’s supporting players animate and enliven this romance that keeps us guessing “Who gets the girl?” right up to the nuptials of the finale.

Stewart plays Macaulay “Mike” Connor, a short story writer making the rent by reporting for Spy Magazine and its unscrupulous scoop-obsessed Brit editor (Henry Daniell).

Connor resents being “a society snooper.” “Doggone it, it’s degrading, unDIGnified!”

But Mike and fashionable photographer Liz (Ruth Hussey) have drawn the assignment of crashing the elite nuptials of Tracy Lord (Hepburn) and coal magnate George Kittredge (John Howard). This will be the second marriage for the old money/old family Philadelphian Lord, and editor Sidney Kidd wants to give readers a sordid peek inside this world of extreme, entitled, inherited wealth.

He’s got an “in.” That would be Lord’s ex-husband, C.K. Dexter Haven, played by Grant. He’s to lie their way into the wedding party, and if he’s “getting even with” his ex-wife, he’s picked a fine way to do it.

In that long lost age, old money like the Lords eschewed publicity, “the very idea” of someone “coming into our house with a CAMERA.” Tracy resents any notion that she’s “to be examined, undressed and humiliated…at 15 cents a copy!” But she has no choice.

The class-conscious writer Mike insults everything he sees in these entitled inbreds.

What kind of name is “C.K.Dexter Haven,” anyway? “What’s this room? I forgot my compass!” And don’t let him get on the in-house telephone lines.

“This is the voice of DOOM calling. Your days are numbered!”

Tracy decides to give in and give the reporter and his photographer a caricature of chattering, dithering, dizzy wealth. With her little sister (Virginia Weidler) enlisted, they’ll present a parody of “a rich American female” with an eccentric family throwing a lavish, exclusive wedding.

And if that doesn’t fool them, she’ll try bribery.

“Class” comes up every time we hear the phrase “front entrance,” as in the way only non servants and aristocrats are allowed to enter the mansion. Limos and roadsters and endless changes of clothes and a limitless supply of booze adorn this world. Even divorce was a luxury only the rich seemed able to afford back then.

“The prettiest sight in this fine pretty world is the privileged class enjoying its privileges.”

But liquor was what did in “the ghost of husband’s past,” so Tracy avoids the drink and never misses a chance to put-down Dexter’s biggest failing. His obvious effort to sabotage her wedding with reporters has her wondering if he’s gone off the deep end.

“You haven’t switched from liquor to dope, by any chance, have you Dexter?”

The men refer to Tracy as some sort of “goddess,” a “queen” who can’t let herself be human. With a fiance, an ex and a cynical reporter who might fall under her spell, what IS a girl to do, and who WILL she choose, seeing as how she’s the richest one with all the choices?

It’s enough to drive a body to drink.

“The Philadelphia Story” is a comedy of cute touches and funny scenes interrupted by lectures on Tracy’s personality and personal shortcomings and little intrigues that aren’t all that intruguing.

The “screwball” elements — play-acting wealth, pretending one’s tippling, womanizing (“A PINCHER!”) Uncle Willie (Roland Young) is her scandalized, cheating father (John Halliday), the endless dips in the pool after drinking, the competing agendas and withering insults — tend to come in bursts.

While one wouldn’t call the complications that come up between the best scenes “filler,” the picture shows its age and MGM “gravitas” by lurching along from one ornate setting to the next.

My favorite character and to me the most ingenious touch is having young miss Weidler play Tracy’s sister Dinah as a 13 year-old Hepburn clone — tomboyish attire, brash and witty/wise beyond her years.

“I think that dress hikes up a little behind…”

“No, it’s ME that does.”

Listen to her tear through a Groucho Marx favorite, “Lydia the Tattooed Lady,” at the piano. She almost steals the picture.

What I find clunky in seeing this film again after many years is the mechanical nature of the many possible romantic “pairings,” with Hussey playing a passive wild card to all the men reaching for Hepburn’s Tracy, some for reasons that seem undermotivated.

That which is obvious — the dude with the mustache NEVER gets the girl, unless he’s William Powell — seems too obvious, and the clockwork plotting needs winding as the pace is altogether too stolid for my tastes.

There’s one very romantic scene, and several than are meant to be and just aren’t.

But Hepburn crackles and Stewart blusters and drawls. And Grant consents to be a less amusing third wheel, hectoring Hepburn with serious criticism that doesn’t play as particularly fun, droll or astute, allowing himself to be photographed with lean, lanky Stewart towering over him at times.

They’re all in top form in what is widely acknowledged as one of the comic classics of its era, but a comedy that is more pretty and polished than laugh-out-loud rambunctious.

Perhaps its most telling criticism is the unfairest. “Philadelphia Story” suffers mainly in comparison with the most lauded rom-coms of its day. It’s no “Ninotchka,” “The Awful Truth,” “His Girl Friday” and especially “Bringing Up Baby.” But MGM at its wittiest is at least deservedly in their company.

Rating:”approved,” TV-14

Cast: Cary Grant, Katharine Hepburn, James Stewart, Ruth Hussey, Mary Nash, John Howard, Virginia Weidler and Roland Young.

Credits: Directed by George Cukor, scripted by Donald Ogen Stewart (and Waldo Salt), based on the play by Philip Barry. An MGM release on Tubi, Amazon, etc.

Running time: 1:53

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Movie Review: Beckinsale’s a CIA agent blackmailed into killing her way to “Canary Black”

The main draw of a genre film is the promise of cinematic comfort food.

A faintly Byzantine plot, some solid action beats delivered by genre veterans in front of and behind the camera and a few pithy turns of phrase and film fans can get up feeling sated and satisfied — if unchallenged and unsurprised — when the closing credits roll.

“Canary Black” is an almost wholly unsatisfying thriller that seemingly had enough necessary ingredients to comprise a full meal.

“Underworld” veteran Kate Beckinsale has decades of being a willowy beauty who can still make fight choreography work, however implausible.

The late Ray Stevenson (“Kill the Irishman,” the “Thor” movies) finished off his career of heavies and sometimes heroic heavies with this Euro-thriller, set largely in France but shot in Croatia and Slovenia.

And director Pierre Morel is a genre veteran whose “District B19 introduced “parkour” to action cinema, and whose “Taken” launched Liam Neeson’s third act career in the genre.

But this movie, a pointless, static scramble for a stolen “file” with global peace/survival of Western civilization implications, is unsatisfying on almost every level.

“Canary Black,” a titular pun on a comic book vixen (Black Canary), reminds us that Morel has has no luck reinventing/reviving the careers of anyone not named Neeson. “Peppermint” didn’t re-launch Jennifer Garner’s return to action. “The Gunman” didn’t give Oscar winner Sean Penn a new path to box office relevence.

Stevenson has precious little “action” to carry here, and Beckinsale may be a well preserved, fit and fetching 50something. But the size of the brutes she beats and bowls over here just call attention to the improbality of it all, the necessary stunt doubling and the hair that’s never out of place, always sexily draped over one eye.

Beckinsale plays a recently married (Rupert Friend plays the spouse) CIA assassin blackmailed into stealing this file by the usual all-knowing, all-powerful mostly unseen menace played by Goran Kostic.

She will be compromised, robbed, with her husband kidnapped and her safe house sacked. The agency will consider her a traitor and the blackmailer will not make her task any easier, planting a landmine in one location she’s sure to track down.

Why, exactly? It makes a cool “How’s she get out of THIS?” moment, but makes no sense.

Her boss (Stevenson) will need to believe her story and keep his trigger-happy minions at arm’s length. SUV chases through the darkened Old World streets creates mayhem. And of course there’s an always-vaping handy hacker/gadget guru (Romina Tonkovic) to call on for help, “one last time.”

Stevenson gets a single, chewy line. “Cold war, digital war. Only the ass—es change.”

Beckinsale’s American spy wife-with-a-secret-life gets to brush off her unknowing Brit husband’s pleas for a puppy or two.

“I can’t be trusted to keep something alive.

And we dash from monumental villainous penthouse complexes to CIA cover-businesses with the clean, pristine Architectural Digest touch of having the entire operation housed in glass cubicle offices.

Even that’s generic in the extreme.

The plot’s cut and pasted from a hundred other films, and while the budget allowed for a few “names” and a little charisma in the supporting cast, Morel, Beckinsale & Co. ignored Hitchcock’s genre epigram at their own peril.

“Good villains make good thrillers.”

Without conceiving, writing and charismatically casting that part, this iffy proposition was never going to work.

Rating: R, violence

Cast: Kate Beckinsale, Rupert Friend, Goran Kostic, Jay Hutchins, Romina Tonkovic and Ray Stevenson.

Credits: Directed by Pierre Moral, scripted by Matthew Kennedy. An MGM release on Amazon Prime.

Running time: 1:43

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Movie Preview: Cruise, “Mission: Impossible — The Final Reckoning”

May 23.

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Movie Review: Swedes endure the “Stockholm Bloodbath,” and a dark comedy about it

It’s revealing that “Stockholm Bloodbath,” the latest film retelling of a grim moment in history that led to Sweden’s independence, premiered in Denmark. The film’s about Swedish suffering, persistence and pluck, and the Danes are the ones who perpetrated the infamous 16th century massacre that the film is about.

“Bloodbath” is a wildly uneven burlesque of a mass beheading, a jokey, jaunty slaughter with bits of derring-do that aren’t necessarily historical and aren’t particularly satisfying.

It’s the stort of movie you get when the Swedish director of “1408” and “Escape Plan” casts an important piece of Scandinavian history with a lot of Brits in leading roles, films it in English and shoots it in Hungary.

Villains trash-talk, taunt and peacock about, sometimes bathed in blood.

“You really hate the Swedes, don’t you? So...annoying. So full of themselves!”

Our heroine, Anne, played by Sophie Cookson of the cartoonish “Kingsman” espionage actioners, loses her entire family in a pre-massacre massacre, and shows up at the Swedish court in Stockholm where she greets the wife (Emily Beacham) of the head of state (Adam Pålsson) with comical informality.

“My mother and father said to send you their best. But they’re um, dead.”

And if it has a “message,” it’s a backhanded swiped at famed Swedish neutrality — “It you don’t pick sides, you’re sure to come out a winner.”

Well-acted, beautifully designed, costumed, edited and set, with good stunts and effects, it’s an action comedy that fails its subject even as it fitfully entertains.

It’s 1520, and the Swedes have been successfully fending off the Danish domination of the Kalmar Union thanks to the exploits of Sten Sture (Pålsson). But Danish King Christian II, played by Danish star Claes Bang (“The Northman,” “The Square,” “The Burnt Orange Heresey”) is prepared to sack, murder and pillage his way overland until the Swedes in Stockholm surrender.

That’s how Anna’s family is slaughtered and her fiance (Wilf Scolding) is kidnapped. If not for the help of her mute archer friend Freja (Danish nepo baby Alba August, daughter of director Bille), Anna would have been taken, too.

But she’s been paying attention to the comic book cartoonish credits identifying the bad guys. The villains are ID’d as “The Big Danish Guy” (Roland Kollárszky) the sadistic “Sylvestre” (Thomas Chaanhing), “The Evil Guy” (Mikkel Boe Følsgaard), etc.

Anna survives her wounds, nursed by her bridesmaid Freja. She’ll practice her archery and have her revenge, keeping an “In Order of Disappearance” checklist as she hunts them down.

There’s also “The Spy” (Ulrich Thomsen), a member of the Swedish court determined to help himself and “negotiate” Sweden back into the union via treachery. And an anti-independence bishop (Jakob Oftebro) has been freed by the Danes, ready to have his own revenge by advising Christian on the flexible meaning of “heresy.”

The villains are deliciously vile and dominate the screen, and the Swedes, soon led by the wife of the head of state Kristina (Beecham), might be over-matched. But as we follow the exploits of Anna and Freja in this frigid war zone, we have no doubt that right will triumph. Eventually.

The performers are all spot-on, registering a convincing pluck or hammy sadism with revenge on everybody’s mind. They get across the filmmakers’ vision.

But it’s that vision that always feels off here. Perhaps the story’s been told so often up there amongst the beautiful blondes that a bloody action send-up of it is the only “fresh” approach to a sad story of mass murder.

“Stockholm Bloodbath” has fine action beats and furious avenging, but collapses into a sort of resignation about the parts of the tale that must be rendered faithfully.

There’s hope, peeking in around the edges, thanks to the action comedy tone. Bang, Følsgaard, Thomsen and others have license to lampoon. But scenes take on a cringey quality as passive people are being led to the chopping block.

It’s as if the dissonance of the over-the-top horror title label history gave this tragedy threw one and all off, and they didn’t realize the blunder until they premiered their version of the “Stockholm Bloodbath” somewhere other than Denmark.

Rating: R, bloody violence, profanity

Cast: Sophie Cookson, Alba August, Emily Beecham, Jakob Oftebro, Mikkel Boe Følsgaard, Adam Pålsson, Wilf Scolding, Ulrich Thomsen and Claes Bang.

Credits: Directed by Mikael Håfström, scripted by Erlend Loe and Nora Landsrød. A Brainstorm Media release.

Running Time: 1:58

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Classic Film Review: Kinski and Herzog make each other film immortals — “Aguirre, the Wrath of God” (1972)

A legend from history was speculated upon and two legends were made when Werner Herzog and Klaus Kinski shot their breakout film, “Aguirre, the Wrath of God” in the jungles of South America with a stolen camera.

This low-budget 90-minute epic was a slow-motion sensation when it rolled out on screens in the mid-70s, winning awards and giving reputations to the two larger-than-life eccentrics who conjured it up.

Herzog established himself as a filmmaking genius with an appetite for the impossible, and a great teller of tall tales not just on the screen, but about his films, with this career-making jewel. And Kinski, close-to stardom in Europe (he’d done German films, had chewy bit roles in “For a Few Dollars More” and “Doctor Zhivago”) became a bug-eyed screen icon, going on to make such future classics as “Nosteratu, the Vampyre” and “Fitzcarraldo” with Herzog, even dipping his toe in Hollywood for a few films before raging to an early death.

Among Herzog’s many acclaimed documentaries is the deliciously dangerous “My Best Fiend,” about his on-set working relationship and friendship with the crazed Kinski.

The film that made them took up the story of an infamous “madman” among Spain’s 16th centurty conquistadors, Lope de Aguirre. Herzog cast Kinski as the murderous megalomaniac and took a skeleton crew of eight, with a dozen actors and a large ensemble of extras, into the jungle and down the Amazon in a recreation of his expedition to find the mythic city of gold, “El Dorado,” that Incans and others passed on to get the Spanish to stop looting, raping, murdering and pillaging in Peru.

Herzog’s script, allegedly whipped-up in a couple of days, partially lost and then largely improvised on location, sketches in the full measure of the man — a lifelong striver, schemer, coup plotter and adventurer.

The cinematography of Thomas Mauch is rightly one of the most-acclaimed features of this classic — a broad, brown river, untouched jungles and a motley crew of Spaniards and a freed slave (Edward Roland) struggling with roaring rapids, starvation and attacks by natives (some of them cannibals) on a fool’s errand in search of a mythic city.

But it is Kinski’s deranged, bug-eyed glare that became the defining image of the film, the face of a man possessed with ambition — he’d arrived in New Spain a mere horse handler — who is third in command of this ill-advised side-expedition, but not “third” for long.

“My men measure riches in gold. But it’s more. It’s power and fame!”

There is a priest (Del Negro) on the trek, our diarist and narrator (the film was shot in English, later dubbed into German for “local” consumption) who tells the tale.

“God’s word must be brought to the heathen.”

Pedro de Ursúa (Ruy Guerra) is the leader, foolishly bringing his wife (Helena Rojo) down river with him through their month or so of hell on the upper Amazon. Peter Berling plays a creature-comforts-craving nobleman who is second in command.

Aguirre, quick to give the orders, discharge the cannon and abandon raftloads of their compatriots when they’re separated, brought his daughter (Cecilia Rivera), perhaps as eyewitness to his rise to glory.

“It won’t be much longer! El Dorado could be only a few days away. No more rust on the cannon. We shall shoot our enemies with golden bullets. And you, Okello, will serve food on golden platters!”

 “I am the wrath of God. Who else is with me?”

“Aguirre, the Wrath of God” unfolds as the quintessential “man’s descent into madness” tale, a saga that echoes Joseph Conrad’s “Heart of Darkness.” “Aguirre” became such an art film sensation that it inspired Francis Ford Coppola to finally tackle his “Heart of Darkness” Vietnam epic, “Apocalypse Now.”

Herzog became known, in an instant, for tackling projects with an insane degree of difficulty. Documentaries or features, the tougher the challenge, the more he seed engaged.

“Aguirre” set the bar so high for Herzog that he and Kinski were compelled to make the ultimate overcoming-all-odds epic, “Fitzcarraldo,” under even more formidable South American jungle river conditions.

Today, “Aguirre” remains essential cinema, hand-held footage so vivid it feels like a 16th century documentary, save for the women’s makeup, which is flawless in defiance of heat, weather and hardship.

It was never overcome by its lore and legend, from that stolen camera, to cast and crew living for weeks on those period-perfect DIY rafts and the tale of how Herzog acquired the collection of monkeys who animate its final images. Having interviewed Herzog a few times over the years, I can say that few filmmakers relish relating the challenges they overcame in their past films and how those related to difficulties making “Grizzly Man,” “Rescue Dawn” and other works in his career’s grand third act more than Herzog.

That “camera that I stole” but which he needed to fulfill his dream and make art story never gets old.

“Aguirre” still feels “outlaw” after all these years for all those reasons, and for the uneasy feeling that the phrase “no animal was harmed making this picture” was left off the titles with cause. It’s a classic that could not be repeated and could never be made today.

Not just because of the difficulties, the primitive conditions no cast or crew would stand for now. The movie’s most “special” effect has no peer among today’s batch of cinema stars and character actors. Klaus Kinski died in 1991, but Herzog made him a screen immortal, one of the great faces in cinema history, in this one disturbing adventure that devolved into misadventure back in 1972.

star

Rating: unrated, violence

Cast: Klaus Kinski, Del Negro, Helena Rojo, Ruy Guerra, Peter Berling and Edward Roland.

Credits:Scripted and directed by Werner Herzog. on Tubi.

Running time: 1:34

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Netflixable? Argentine half-siblings are “(Un) Lucky Sisters”

They blow the “meet cute” in the Argentine action comedy “(Un) Lucky Sisters,” and its pretty much all downhill from there in this short but not remotely brisk tale of two disconnected half-sisters who stumble into their late father’s secret stash of (Euro) cash.

Screenwriter Mariano Vera has “flat broke” Jésica (Sofia Morandi) and Ángela (Leticia Siciliani) sort-of acquainted and aware of each other’s existence when they meet in the morgue where their father’s body lies.

Somebody reached out to somebody else on social media once, but somebody was too stuck-up to be bothered with that. So there’s no comical “shock” in meeting to ID a dead-man’s body.

Ángela had something of a childhood with him, but “hasn’t seen Dad in 15 years.” Jesse, whose mom keeps their packed apartment in their name by giving Lamaze classes, was more of a one-night thing with the womanizer his daughter never knew.

As Dad was a “doctor” and a politically connected “facilitator,” broke fast-food trainee Jesse is quick with a “Do we get anything (in Spanish, subtitled, or dubbed into English)?”Ángela and her father’s secretary make Jesse the odd woman out in their discussions of the dead man’s one real asset — his swank “smart apartment.”

As Jesse doesn’t intend to be cut out, she insists on visiting the place, and then staying there. Ángela, struggling to get out of a relationship with a “ets settle down” security guard, reluctantly agrees.

That’s when they find a control setting in the apartment that reveals a hide-away wall covering “a buttload of Euros.” One half-sister is cautious, fearful and reluctant to touch it.

“It must belong to SOMEbody!”

Jesse is ready to stuff her pockets, start dining out and dive into a shopping spree.

There are references to endemic corruption and bureaucratic inefficiency in “this country” in a film that suggests bribery — in Euros — is a way of life and the courts swallow up any inheritance by taking “years” to settle estates, especially ones engulfed in scandal.

The story is framed within an unexciting moment of the two on the run from “cops and mobsters” with a backpack and suitcase full of cash, so SOMEbody wasn’t careful enough.

Director Fabiana Tiscornia does a decent job of setting up the threats — two mayors who are a little too familiar at the funeral, a sketchy TV “journalist” and highrise penthouse neighbor with two over-decorated Pomeranians who seems to know there’s “something” in that penthouse with his while.

The leads are well-cast, with their bickering making the “sisters by different mothers” sale.

“This isn’t OUR life!”

“Then whose is it?”

But there’s nothing original, funny or exciting in any of this. Even the tense moments are undercut by “she’s just imagining making a break for it” scripted missteps.

The pacing is slow-footed, the comical “problem solving” their way out of this windfall dilemma wholly unsatisfying.

Theses sisters may be “lucky” to have each other to go through this with, but they were pretty unlucky in the drab story they’re trapped in.

Rating: TV-14, pretty tame

Cast: Sofia Morandi and Leticia Siciliani.

Credits: Directed by Fabiana Tiscornia, scripted by Mariano Vera. A Netflix release.

Running time: 1:23

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Movie Review: Ukraine’s long-shot hope for an Oscar — “La Palisiada”

Obscure to the point of exasperation, “comic” in ways only its director truly “gets,” “La Palisiada” is one of the more unapproachable films of recent memory.

Even accepting that the challenge of making a period piece movie in the middle of Ukraine’s devastating war(s) is impressive in its own right, “grading on the curve,” as we say, “Palisiada” still isn’t worth endorsing.

I wonder what the old American joke “A ‘film’ is a ‘movie’ we don’t quite understand” sounds like in Ukrainian. That might help explain this indulgent and often incoherent exercise in dark Slavic humor’s selection by a national cinema committee in the embattled country as its entry in the Best International Feature competition for this year’s Oscars.

Director and co-writer Philip Sotnychenko challenges the viewer with a meandering story of the last murderer to be given the death penalty before Ukraine abolished it. He struggles to tie violence back then to violence today with a long prologue set in the present day that connects to the film’s celebratory finale set in that “last execution” year, 1996.

It says something about where the filmmaker’s head is that so little effort is made to separate the two eras (radio news and Soviet vintage cars give it away), or properly identify the characters on the two timelines. The title itself is nonsense, “a figure of speech,” one character explains to another near the end. It might be an Italian or Ukrainian pun. Or it might not.

The prologue wanders about the social whirl of artist Aiesel (Sana Shakhmuradova) and her husband Kiril (No idea who plays him, and the distributor and IMDB are no help). We hear one half of an innocuous phone coversation, visit a party where the inane chatter overlaps (in Ukrainian with English subtitles), and a dinner with her parents, including her “dictatorial” cop-father is followed by an after dinner bedroom argument which ends badly.

We’ve invested 20 minutes trying to figure out what the movie will be about, a film whose prologue adds nothing to understanding what follows. What follows skips back to 1996.

A police colonel has been murdered, and we track through a brusque roundup of what might be called “the usual suspects.” But these un-uniformed scenes could just as easily be Ukrainian “civil war” depictions of “kidnap every male you can get your hands on” reprisals.

Sacha (Novruz Himet) is the dogged cop on the case, participating in the roundups, attending the many “crime reenactments” Ukrainian cops put a lot of store in as they try to solve the case.

We don’t really “get” why they settle on one suspect or see that moment. Did he confess? Is that him taking part in the “reenactments?”

When we meet the forensics doc Vlodymyr (Andrii Zhurba) and two alleged “mental health” experts who interrogate him, we note the young perpetrator’s uncertain memory and his unconcern, which suggests “mental problems” that should figure in the case.

Naturally, he’s railroaded in a “fit to stand trial” farce.

Sotnychenko borrows stylistic and storytelling touches from the Lars von Trier “Dogme 95” Danish filmmaking movement that emphasized naturalism in performance, technique and in immersing the viewer in that which is under-explained.

Our Ukrainian filmmaker takes all of that too far. His movie is dull, and dares to be demandingly so. The “routines” recreated here are blase, even the “comical” trips to a (quarry, I think) for the murder recreations.

The one comic touch that translates is taking us to an open air Odessa flea market, where vendors set up tables and the masses crowd in, prowling for bargains.

Every so often, a train shows up and everybody has to pick up her or his wares or simply move their feet to avoid getting run over. The flea market is in a railyard covered with tracks, with the tracks covered by sellers and buyers.

That’s wacky. Or could be.

As it is, you’d like to think there’s a message in here, about turning away from violence only to be violated by Putin’s “Rebuild My Empire” minions. But I can’t honestly say that there is.

Rating: unrated, violence

Cast: Novruz Himet, Andrii Zhurba and Sana Shakhmuradova

Credits: Directed by Philip Sotnychenko, scripted by Alina Panasenko and
Philip Sotnychenko. A Film Movment release.

Running time: 1:40

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Movie Preview: Gere and Uma Thurman star on Paul Schrader’s timely “Oh, Canada!”

An old man remembers fleeing to Canada to avoid the Vietnam War draft in this Dec. 6 release from the director of “First Reformed,” “Affliction” and “American Gigolo.”

A film of protest and American mythology directed by the author of “Taxi Driver” and auteur of “Light Sleeper?”

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