Movie Review: A most unwelcome “American Reunion”

1starSo why now more “American Pie”?

It’s a lame one, just the same one now with much older guys.

And starlets wearing mileage from whiskey and rye.

Singing “Why did my career go ‘bye’?”

“American Reunion” is a slow and sad, crude and cruel, tame and timid return to the scene of the crime against pastry an unlucky 13 years later.

Life hasn’t run according to plan for the lads — Jim (Jason Biggs), Os (Chris Klein), Kevin (Thomas Ian Nicholas) or Stifler (Seann William Scott).

Finch, on the other hand (Eddie Kaye Thomas), roars up to their pre “13th Reunion” party on a motorcycle, full of tales of adventure and dering do.

Jim is married to band camp tart Michelle (Alyson Hannigan) and they have a toddler, Os is a cable TV sportscaster who isn’t with ESPN, with a much younger model girlfriend (Katrina Bowden) who is entirely too wild for his mild mannered ways. Kevin is an architect and stay-at-home dad and Stifler is suffers the fate of many an ex-jock bully boy — living in the past because the present, when he has to work for guys like the ones he beat up in school, is agony.

They decide to make this reunion their “Hangover” weekend — heavy drinking, drugs, chasing old flames or high school girls, hiding their bad decisions from their significant others.

“Harold and Kumar” vets Jon Hurwitz and Hayden Schlossberg wrote and directed this trip down Full Frontal Nudity Lane. They’re lost trying to update this exhausted franchise, failing to find any funny new lines, relying on shock laughs involving oral sex, using the toilet in a foe’s ice chest and whatever dated dose of crudity Stifler blurts out.

There’s an interesting but obvious contrast scene between the “wild boys” of yesteryear and the drugs, sex and “Party Rock is in the House Tonight” teens of today. That nails “American Reunion” in just a few moments of screen time.

How can a bunch of sad, sentimental 30somethings be edgy in the age of “Project X” and “Superbad”? They can’t.

And the struggle, undertaken by a cast of (mostly) desperate actors (Tara Reid, Mena Suvari and John Cho come back or bit appearances) whose careers peaked with these movies.

But there’s still “One time, at band camp.” There’s still a hint of whimsy in the father-son scenes between Eugene Levy and Biggs, still a little brassy broad humor in the return of “Stifler’s Mom” (Jennifer Coolidge). But mostly, watching folks in tis age range get tanked and make bad decisions isn’t nostalgic. It’s just sad.

Just like a real reunion, in other words.

MPAA Rating :R for crude and sexual content throughout, nudity, language, brief drug use and teen drinking

Cast: Jason Biggs, Alyson Hannigan, Mena Suvari, Seann William Scott, Eugene Levy.

Credits: Written and directed by Jon Hurwitz and Hayden Schlossberg, a Universal release.

Running time: 1:53

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