Netflixable? First Love faces the test of “arranged marriage” in “Promised Hearts (Niyala)”

One of the best reasons to take the occasional Around the world with Netflix trip is getting the pulse of another culture through its cinema.

It’s a great way recognize one’s own biases and Western ideas of “cultural progress” and see how the rest of the world lives, and how those lives are evolving, perhaps in part due to exposure to “foreign” ideas that much of the world takes as “modern.”

“Promised Hearts” is another tame, chaste romantic melodrama from Muslim Indonesia. It’s practically a faith-based film as characters counsel one another with suggestions of “prayer” and constant vocalized “by God’s grace,” “Did you tell God your problems” and mentions of the teachings/traditions of “The Prophet” in lives of varying degrees of religious piety.

A little of that counts as cultural seasoning in a movie. A lot of it turns the picture, its characters and its plots puerile.

But what this film, based on a novel by Habiburrahman El Shirazy, is getting at ever-so-cautiously is the notion that romantic love pays a price in a patriarchal world of arranged Islamic marriages, where dowries are openly discussed in the ceremony and where some men are still comfortable saying “Women, they’re nothing but commodities.”

Maybe arranged marriages aren’t the best way for college educated young people to pair-up for life counts as a pretty bold statement for an Indonesian film.

We meet Niyala and her closest friend Faiq as schoolchildren, with him protecting her from Roger, the school bully and middle schooler Niyala treating Faiq’s scrapes with first aid, a role she’s taken on at school.

Yes, she’s heading for a career in medicine, something the abrupt death of her mother underscores. Yes, her father sends her off with Faiq’s family to school in Jakarta, where they grow up as “almost siblings.” And yes, this screenplay (by Oka Aurora) is that contrived.

Years later, Niyala is working through med school in Jakarta as she says her good-byes to Faiq, who is going to Cairo to study whatever he’s going to need to know for his career. That’s practically the same moment doctor-to-be-Niyala learns that dad and her brother took on loads of debt to keep her in school, that setbacks have put them “millions” in the hole.

Embittered Herman (Imran Ismail) is the one who spits the news to her (in Indonesian, with subtitles, or dubbed).

Their debtor, the predatory entrepreneur Cosmos (Kiki Narendra) has given them one way out of this “debt or prison” trap.

“He wants you to marry his son.”

As that son is the same Roger (Dito Darmawan) who used to bully her as a child, Niyala is shocked. Her would-be husband’s assurances that “The Roger you knew has changed” notwithstanding, this wasn’t her plan. Not that she’d ever said anything to anyone about a “plan.”

And when Faiq at last comes home with a beautiful, sophisticated and worldly fiance, Diah (Caitlin Halderman), it really does seem Niyala has “no choice” or say in her future.

Perhaps The Prophet’s seventh century words about “learning to love” that arranged spouse will comfort Niyala her and the Iman’s explaining to Faiq (and the audience) how “dating,” which is about physical love and is thus forbidden, is inferior to Islam’s emphasis on “Kafa’ah”  (compatibility), which is not just “traditional,” but the better way of coupling up for life will win him over.

Director Anggy Umbarara has made a fairly conservative movie that takes pains not to offend sensibilities within the Islamic world. But it’s a slow, ponderous and obvious affair, with even the ugly twists taking on an “Of COURSE that’s what happens” inevitability. And “inoffensive” is a pretty low bar to set for your movie.

If you’re unfamiliar with Islamic cinema, you might not know about”milk kinship” (riḍāʿa) as a melodramatic device sometimes used in such films for deciding who is actually related to whom. Breastfeeding/wet nursing matters.

The acting is reserved almost to the point of drab, although subtle moments peek through, and there’s something to be said for the stylish Asian version of the hijab, a tudong, for beautifully framing an actress’s face and allowing that subtlety, despite the “Handmaid’s Tale” look and implications of it.

“Promised Hearts” never for an instant lets us lose hope that true love will find a way, which is a universal message every romance hews to. But the film requires too much patience and relies on too many hoary plot devices to have a prayer of coming off, at least in much of the rest of the world.

Rating: TV-14, violence, crime

Cast: Beby Tsabina, Deva Mehanra, Caitlin Halderman, Imran Ismail, Kiki Narendra and Dito Darmawan.

Credits: Directed by Anggy Umbarara, scripted by Oka Aurora, based on a novel by Habiburrahman El Shirazy. A Netflix release.

Running time: 1:54

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Movie Preview: Jeffrey Dean Morgan knows Jack Quaid is the least reliable witness in this “Neighborhood Watch”

An abduction, a “Screw Loose” nobody takes seriously, except as a suspect.

April 25.

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Movie Preview: Disney checks back in with “Tron: Ares”

Greta Lee, Jared Leto, Gillian Anderson and Jeff Bridges, of course, star in this super slick looking sci fi updating of the inside gameverse thriller franchise.

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Movie Review: Pascal, Reaser, Sewell and Goggins as Hollywood “types” face their future and their humanity when they meet “The Uninvited”

Some indie films confound the viewer with a “What did these actors see in THIS?” connundrum. But not “The Uninvited.”

What looks like another onanistic Hollywood-skewers-Hollywood dramedy set in a tony Hollywood Hills party is actually a priorities-questioning, expectations-upending and surprisingly sentimental look at the 115 year-old Dream Factory and where even the young, the celebrated and the beautiful wind up when their moment in the sun has set.

First-time feature director Nadia Conners’ often sparkling and occasionally poignant script and the simple proximity of its setting ensured she’d land talent of the Pedro Pascal, Elizabeth Reaser, Walton Goggins and Rufus Sewell caliber. They were more than happy to play the Hollywood “types” whose take-stock moment is either confronted or avoided when a confused little old lady pulls her Prius up to the front gate.

A Hollywood agent (Goggins) and his actress-wife (Reaser) are prepping for a “fancy party” of his friends and clients, built around one who is more important than everybody else.

A bartender’s on duty. A “Spirit Photographer,” who ties into a just-finished film and a recent Hollywood fad, is here to capture everybody’s “aura.” Rose (Reaser), whose reputation was made on the stage, is dolling up for the one thing she’s been “good at” since giving up her career for marriage and raising their little boy, Wilder — “performing” the role of partygoer. And Sammy (Goggins) is scrambling to perfect his look and bracing himself to make a pitch to key client Gerald (Sewell), who has made them both rich and famous with some franchise he’s starred in.

Gerald might have the sexy starlet Delia (Eva De Dominici) on his arm, and that might further complicate a party where a big star (Pascal) who used to be Rose’s beau has also RSVP’d.

And then the 90something Helen shows up, someone who is still driving but certain that she “lives here” and who can’t understand why the gate won’t open for her. Screen veteran Lois Smith, a familiar face with over 150 credits from “East of Eden” to “Lady Bird” to “Law & Order” gives Helen a sauciness that comes and goes with her lucidity.

Does her license say Helen Hale?

“For goodness sakes, stop shouting my STAGE name!”

Rose talks to her, gets her to surrender her purse long enough to get that “STAGE name,” and finds an aged address book. A make-or-break party will begin at any moment, and she won’t finished getting dressed out of compassion, concern and a need to get this “problem” out the door for her husband’s big night.

“Call the police,” Sammy distractedly snaps over his shoulder. But Rose has “another stray,” “another project,” he fears. She’s taken an interest and wants to see that this 90something gets “home,” even if she thinks “home” is still at this address.

Helen? The babysitter thinks “she’s a witch.” Sammy considers her “some grave inconvenience.” But the nicely-turned-out little old lady has a few choice words for him, too.

“You swear too much. It cheapens life!” “You’re so angry. It will be the death of you!”

But Helen is just an occasional observer and commentator on the night, where Sammy will face his fears and test the waters of Big Change waters with his wife and his biggest client, where Rose will face the temptation of an old love, a recovering alcoholic all about “making amends,” and where their indulged, scene-stealing little boy (Roland Rubio) will warm to the grandmotherly old woman and insist Mommy tell him the same magical glowfish story she repeats every night

Not every direction taken here surprises, delights or touches. But more than a few do as characters take stock, sober up to unpleasant realities or decide to keep running, networking, drinking and snorting to avoid a reckoning that anyone paying attention is staring them in the face of a stooped and failing old woman sitting on their sofa.

Reaser, a fixture of the “Twilight” movies and most dazzling in the indie “Sweetland,” anchors this cast. But Goggins gives new shades to his unfiltered “Vice Principals” a-hole-in-the-room persona. De Dominici walks a fine line between striving starlet and young woman just figuring out how Hollywood turns “young” into “old” in a blink the length of Rose’s once-promising career.

Sewell is amusingly insufferable and Pascal delights in sending up the “type” a “hot” actor like him could become, if he lets his guard down.

And writer-director Conners makes the most of her good fortune in casting. She has Smith be the grandmotherly gravitas at the center of this quiet storm, wise with her years and so old she’s aged into the truth teller so many need to hear, with only a couple daring to listen.

Rating: R, drug abuse, profanity

Cast: Elizabeth Reaser, Walton Goggins, Pedro Pascal, Rufus Sewell, Eva De Dominici and Lois Smith.

Credits: Scripted and directed by Nadia Conners. A Foton Pictures release.

Running time: 1:37

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BOX OFFICE: “Minecraft” digs up all the Gold — A $162 million+ opening weekend

As much of the country and even the world flips out over the Trump-crashed stock market, and millions are summoned to a Saturday of thousands of protest marches on the dismantling of American democracy, video game fans are filling the cinemas from coast to coast and around the world.

Hey, it’s not like it’s SUPER BOWL weekend, with “real” distractions, right?

“A Minecraft Movie” isn’t getting good reviews because it isn’t good cinema. But it does offer escape, built into a cut-and-paste plot, enthusiastically hammy turns by Jack Black and Jason Momoa and a vivid CGI and soundstage realization of the candy colored world Minecraft invites gamers to play in, build in and flee to.

And millions are buying tickets to it on its opening weekend. In a year when horror movies aren’t drawing, when nobody got an “Oscar bounce” to brag about from the awards season hype around movies with mostly fringe appeal, when “Captain America” opened big and came to earth and “Snow White” never got off the ground, “A Minecraft Moive” blew through expectations from two weeks ago ($100 million), two days ago $130 million) and twelve HOURS ago ($135) to earn $157million on its opening weekend.

Wowza.

Glancing over other reviews, few are coming right out and saying they hate it. But even the endorsements are from the resident lightweights at the “major publications” that used to have a lot more influence than they do. Reviews be damned, it’s giving the fans what they want and rescuing the dying movie-going habit.

I saw it at a Thursday night showing in a far-from-any-interstate small southern city cineplex and the joint was packed. “A Minecraft Movie” took in some $11 million in Thursday night previews, setting up a $52.7 million Thursday-Friday “opening day.” Even if it’s front-loaded and does most of its business Thursday-Sat., that blows up the early “over $100 million” predictions based on pre-sales — too low.

Sure, it still works better as a “creatively” challenging video game. But give Warners credit. They bought the rights to the right Swedish IP video game property. “Sonic the Hedgehog” and “Super Mario Bros.” are pointing the way towards non-Marvel blockbusters, with “Minecraft” pushing over the $260 million mark worldwide for its opening weekend.

The fans? They’re getting all worked up over a “Chicken Jockey” wrestling match. And they’re more enthusiastic than the “Captain America” crowd.

“A Working Man” adds over $7 million to Jason Statham’s hold on action stardom (It’ll clear the $30 million mark by Wed. of next week) and holds second place.

The second “Last Supper” two-episode “film” from “The Chosen” streaming series is set to collect a healthy pre-Easter $6.7 million this weekend.

“Snow White” is already VOD and is fading at the box office so fast — just over $6 million on this, its third weekend — that it may not clear the $100 million mark ($77 by Sunday) before it loses its screens to the earliest summer films. .

Blumhouse’s “The Woman in the Yard” didn’t bring the horror audience back from the dead, as it enjoys its second and final weekend in the top five with a take under $4.5 million.

“Death of a Unicorn” is dying fast, sixth place, $2.7

“The Chosen: The Last Supper Part 1” did $1.86 million.

Neon’s “Hell of a Summer” ($1.75) and Bleecker Street’s “The Friend” ($1.6) — for dog loving adults — won’t move the needle much and will compete with the fading “Captain America: Brave New World” (just under $1.4), “Black Bag,”($950k), “Novocaine”($250K) and the barely-opened “The Penguin Lessons” ($400k) for spots in a 20 that is all “Minecraft” until “summer.”

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Movie Preview: “M3GAN 2.0,” new and improved?

The mass murdering doll is redesigned and comes back to emerge s a social media star? Who saw that coming?

June 27, the deadly “doll” is back.

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Movie Review: A writer, her mentor and “The Friend” Great Dane who takes over her life

You might have to be a dog lover to truly engage and “get” “The Friend,” a melancholy meditation on suicide, loss, character and our obligations to someone who has killed himself. And if you’re unsure about the depth of your connection to canines, there’s a scene early on in this downbeat dramedy that reunites “St. Vincent” stars Naomi Watts and Bill Murray that is your yardstick.

It’s the moment frustrated and “blocked” writer Iris meets the dog belonging to her late mentor, the famous writer Walter, who has just taken his own life.

Walter’s widow (Noma Dumezweni) has consigned the animal to a boarding kennel, talked up his civilized manners and good behavior, and played the “Walter wanted” “his best friend” to have Apollo card more than once.

Iris can’t have a dog in her rent-controlled apartment. She never knew Walter had a dog, something “his best friend” would have heard about. But Walter’s messy personal life — two ex-wives (Constance Wu and Carla Gugino), that widow, and a daughter (Sarah Pidgeon) who wasn’t the child of any of them — kind of explains that.

Iris might not even be a “dog person” herself. But she figures the widow’s something of a dog hater, even if she doesn’t guess that she lied about Apollo’s calm, apartment-friendly demeanor and probably made up the whole “Walter wanted you” to have the dog edict.

It’s not like that was in a suicide note.

And she should be insulted by the what widow Barbara figures were Walter’s “reasons” for wanting her to have the dog — “You don’t have kids or a partner” and her “job,” which isn’t going all that well, isn’t anything one couldn’t fit a dog into.

Still, all these other people the dog could go to, and “Walter wanted you” to have him?

But at the kennel, Iris sees what we see — a forlorn look in Apollo’s eyes. He is lost, bereft. The dog (named Bing) lets us in for that incredibly moving moment, and several almost-as-moving ones to follow.

That voice-over journal Iris keeps in her head ponders the imponderable in this.

“How can you explain death to a dog?”

“The Friend,” based on a novel by Sigrid Nunez, is about Iris coping with this enormous burden dropped into a life by a woman the viewer keeps hoping she’ll tell off, thanks to a dead guy who could also use a good dressing-down.

Did I mention the dog’s a Great Dane? He’s big enough to take over most apartments, even a roomy one that one and all describe to Iris as “tiny,” a flat she inherited from her father.

Co-writer/directors Scott McGeHee and David Siegel (“What Maise Knew” was theirs) deliver the obligatory big-dog-stuffed-into-a-small-dogless-life scenes — wrecking the apartment, taking ownership of the furniture. But the comedy here is in this is in the closed ecosystem of New York publishing, in the privileged writer-sentenced-to-academia teaching indulged, privileged students, younger reflections of herself, and in the “messy” love life of a writer-professor whom we soon learn slept with his students, in addition to the three wives he tallied.

Gugino is the long-divorced sage among the three wives, and even she is shocked to learn Walter has an adult daughter, one who joins Iris in the assignment of organizing and editing Walter’s correspondence — letters and emails — into a book. Wu is a hoot as “the irritating one,” the one the others don’t trust, even if she pays lip service to wanting the dog.

Josh Pais plays Walter’s faintly insufferable publisher, who wants that letters book finished, and who insists on reading pretentious poems at Walter’s funeral service and a later memorial scattering of the ashes.

Watts’ Iris copes with the rising threat of eviction, with efforts to “surrender the dog” to a Great Dane rescue group and with being “stuck” as she muses, in voice-over, about Walter, what he was like, what he was to her and what he had in mind sentencing her to take care of his dog.

It’s all a tad airless and comfortable, a tale too obsessed with its “Manhattan upper class problems” (beach houses, rented river tour boats, getting that “next book” out) to come to grips with the big theme hanging over all this.

The annoying aspiring writer college kids and even the Walter flashbacks and imagined “closure” encounters feel more like distractions than keys to the story.

Great Danes, like other very large dogs, don’t live long, Iris learns. What life, art and career lessons might Walter be passing on from beyond the grave by leaving stuck, blocked and yet comfortable Iris with this gigantic physical and emotional burden?

I liked the small moments of New Yorkers/Greenwich Villagers trying to hide their dismay, pity or amusement at the sight of the slight woman trying to get the big dog into an elevator or through a revolving door in a city that may be a lot more dog tolerant than it once was, but still is no place for a Great Dane.

“You must like’em big!”

I like the women’s world this picture creates, with Sue Jean Kim cast as a Columbia U. colleague and Ann Dowd as the sympathetic support-system neighbor. But “The Friend” is an uneven, not wholly satisfying experience in most ways.

Watts is mainly the underreactor at the center of all this in a performance that could have used some lighter touches. And Murray — whose casting got the movie made — is almost an afterthought as a character, a bit of a cad, disgraced, but with the saving grace of having saved and loved a dog.

One can’t help but think of that famous W.C. Fields quote about never working with “children or dogs,” because of their inate ability to upstage the ostensible “star” in any given scene. Because there’s nothing like a melancholy Great Dane with big, camera-friendly eyes for grabbing attention and drawing it away from everyone and everything surrounding him.

Every scene Apollo isn’t in we miss him, proving Fields’ point.

Rating: R, discussions of suicide, profanity

Cast: Naomi Watts, Bill Murray, Sarah Pidgeon, Constance Wu, Noma Dumezweni, Josh Pais and Carla Gugino.

Credits: Scripted and directed by Scott McGehee and David Siegel, based on the novel by Sigrid Nunez. A Bleecker Street release

Running time: 1:59

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Movie Review: “A Minecraft Movie,” whether we need it or not

Say this much for Warner Brothers. They got the tone for “Minecraft” right.

The studio that turned Scandinavian Lego building block toys into blockbuster animated movies goes all juvenile in adapting Sweden’s biggest gift to pop culture since ABBA, and the video game adaptation “A Minecraft Movie” hits its demographic sweetspot — 12-year-olds — hard.

They gave the directing job to Mister “Napoleon Dynamite,” Jared Hess, and cast human plush toy Jack Black as the cuddly, whooping and riffing lead and paired him up with Jason Momoa, basically a plush toy that hits the gym. Or has.

They threw five credited writers at a cutesie, formulaic quest comedy set on the gamescape of the world’s most popular video game, and if it weren’t for Jack Black parade of “WoooHOOOOOs” and Man Mountain Momoa’s comically cowardly “You go first, I’ll cover your six'” to a nerdy/shrimpy teen, they might not have managed to cook up a single memorable line of dialogue.

The “story” is overwhelmed by pages and pages game-explaining exposition, which considering its pre-sold nature to hundreds of millions who have played and loved the world-building game, whose ethos is “creativity over (mining for) gold),” seems pointless.

But here is game avatar Steve (Black), trapped in an alternate Overworld reality with his trusty dog Dennis send back to Earth through a portal in the hopes that someone will find the magic orbs the dog took with him and return to free Steve.

Momoa plays Garrett, the greatest gamer in the world in 1989, now broke and running the Game Over World video game store in Chuglass, Idaho. That’s where Nathalie (Emma Myers) and her quirky, creative younger brother Henry (Sebastian Hansen) relocate, and where Henry starts to stand out for all the worst reasons among his dull classmates, standing up for “the math” that makes jetpacks possible.

“My Dad says math has been DEBUNKED!”

Henry finds himself begging Garrett to be a mentor, and pretend to be his guardian when the kid’s jetback experiment is sabotaged by bullying morons.

Finding Overworld orbs, they run off to an abandoned mine where they tumble into a portal, and sister Natalie and real-estate-agent/petting zoo operator Dawn (Danielle Brooks) tumble with them.

They find themselves in a world of block creatures, block people and block construction generated by tokens, talismen and the like in what dopey Garrett realizes is a game setting before everybody else.

A quest gets underway, Steve is freed and before you know it, he’s leading them far afield and referring to his now-sidekick Garrett as “Gar Gar,” which rhymes with Jar Jar as they try to evade zombies and pig minions of the evil Malgosha (voiced by Rachel House).

Black and Momoa and Jennifer Coolidge, playing another variation of her oversexed MILF persona as the school principal, commit to the their roles and raise the bar for how hammy and over-the-top this picture will be performed. The energy level these three bring to this picture is one of the great endorsements of Screen Actor’s Guild professionalism and a testament to Hess’s probably enthusiastic encouragment off camera.

Yeah, the script is crap-by-committee, but there’s no sense in us cashing our checks like we know that.

Chases, explosions, diamonds and this or that accessory/magical token or what have you pop up, no doubt delighting fans as much as the news that a wrestling match involve Garrett has him facing a “Chicken (looks like a duck) Jockey.”

That arrival brought a roar from the crowd I saw the film with.

And I don’t doubt the film’s sparkling “Labryrinth” and “Lego Movie” meets “Pixels” candy coored production design, the B-52s “My Own Private Idaho” comical needle drop in the middle of the Mark Mothersbaugh (of course) score and the many, many inside-the-game references and the constant mugging and whooping by the leads will appeal to some of those who’ve enjoyed the game.

There’s validation in wringing a “movie” with a “story” out of a video game, but that’s mainly in the eyes of the devotees of Sonic or Steve.

Harmless nonsense this may be, but if you’re under the impression it does a wildly popular, award-winning “creativity” game justice, you’d have to be right on the demographic money in terms of who the picture is pitched to — 12 years-old.

Rating: PG

Cast: Jack Black, Jason Momoa, Emma Myers, Sebastian Hansen, Jennifer Coolidge and Danielle Brooks

Credits: Directed by Jared Hess, scripted by Chris Bowman, Hubbel Palmer, Neil Weidener, Gavin James and Chris Galleta . A Warner Bros. release.

Running time: 1:41

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Movie Review: Hoteliers turn “Carjackers” on their Lunch Break

“Good villains make good thrillers,” the Master of Suspense taught us. And nobody loved Alfred Hitchcock or took his lessons to heart like the French.

“Carjackers” has a doozy of a bad guy. And we know actor Franck Gastambide‘s status in staff-robs-rich-hotel-guests-on-the-road thriller because he plays the figure we meet first.

Gastambide, who was in the recent French remake of “The Wages of Fear,” plays Elias. And we meet him at a casino where he pulls a seemingly-well-heeled older player into a back room to do what “we do to pickpockets.” As it turns out Elias isn’t a cop, imagine the worst.

He’s a private security investigator, enforcer and punisher. So naturally he’s the guy a swank seaside hotel calls when it looks as if somebody’s targeting their rich guests for carjackings as they leave the property.

Nora, Steve, Zoé and Pres (Zoé Marchal, Bosh, Chilla and Alassane Diong) are a parking valet, bellman, concierge and bartender, respectively at their exclusive hotel. But it’s their side hustle, selecting a mark and carrying out an armed robbery on a freeway so busy nobody stops to intervene that is their retirement plan.

Concierge Zoé selects likely candidates from the various guests’ names and profiles. Steve pokes around the in-room safe to confirm how loaded they are. Barman Pres notes their choice of liquor and tips. But Nora (Marchal, of “All Time High”) is the driving force behind this operation. She’s the one who takes the wheel of the Golf GTI that they run down Audis, Merc limo vans and Maybachs, with Steve on the motorbike shooting out the tires.

They don’t do this often, generally one heist/one hotel a season. And they’re aiming for that “one last job” that will be the big score that will set them up for the sweet life.

But these have-nots stealing from the haves haven’t counting on Hotel Oligarch calling in Elias.

“I want the files of your staff, your guests and all the people you’re bribing,” he barks (in French with subtitles, or dubbed into English). And that latest victim, a rapist diamond merchant from Amsterdam, wants “proof” that this quartet has been stopped. He’s paying extra to see to it that the furious woman driver who tased his testicules is dead.

The plot is simple enough, variations on that staff-stealing-from-targeted guests thing we’ve seen in other films such as the more sinister and political German thriller “Delicious.” There isn’t any “rob from the rich, give to the poor” subtext here. “Carjackers” is all text, no subtext.

Complications include the all-business Nora letting the new hotel piano player (Disiz) distract her and letting her emotions — a fellow staffer was sexually assaulted by the Dutch diamond dealer — drive her actions.

Her accomplices are treated like background decor, and the picture’s shift from heists to being hunted and facing repercussions dominates the third act and ups the stakes in the most simplistic and sadistic ways.

But director and co-writer Kamel Guemra (he co-wrote the sizzling “Lost Bullet”) keeps the picture more or less on task between crackling action beats, and stunt driving coordinator Jean-Claude Lagniez reminds us that the French still have the edge in serving up riveting car chases.

And Gastambide makes us fear the worst when he catches up with people who, you have to admit, kind of having it coming.

It isn’t “Bullitt” or “The French Connection,” but “Carjackers” delivers on the promise of its simple premise and its simple title. But maybe I’m prejudiced because I love Golf GTIs.

Rating: 16+, graphic violence, sex, profanity

Cast: Zoé Marchal, Franck Gastambide, Bosh, Chilla, Alassane Diong and
Disiz.

Credits: Directed by Kamel Guemra, scripted by Morade Aissaoui, Sledge Bidounga and Kamel Guemra. An MGM release on Amazon Prime.

Running time: 1:37

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Netflixable? Vincent Cassel’s a Burned Out DJ who May Have One More “Banger” in Him

The DJ has been mixing beats long enough to have lost his hair, and have his stubble turn white.

It’s been a long time since he acquired the nickname, “The Godfather of French Touch,” even longer since he was Emperor of Ibaza and King of All the Clubs. The man’s on the back nine of his career, if not his life. Scorpex, as he bills himself, could use a hit, a real “Banger” that’d put him on the charts and back in demand.

But the 50something Frenchman knows his stuff. It’s in his blood. When Scorpex tries a new droplet drug called Angel Rocket, he trips his testicules off, collapsing on somebody’s Citroen down the street from the club. But as the car alarm claxon wails off and on, he adds a beat with his fingers, drumming on the car’s hood, making music even there.

The pleasure of that whimsical moment is doubled by the fact that the great French actor Vincent Cassel, of “Mesrine,” “The Three Musketeers,” “Trance” and a whole lot of movies you and I have loved performs it.

Long review short, “Banger” is strictly formula, a B-movie action comedy with a few laughs and barely an original touch to it. But Cassel is funny and brings a welcome lightness to his role. And immersing a player with his resume and almost-60-years in this milieu is kind of a Dad Joke lark.

Kanye music video director So-Me knows this world, at the intersection of music, dance and fashion shows. But all he and a couple of co-writers could come up with was genre cliches for a story.

Consider — DJ Scorpex is discussed by a French drug agent (Laura Felpin) who has to “explain” to a clueless 40ish colleague what DJs are, what they do and how they make their money fifty freaking years after the birth of hip hop, accompanied by rap, techno, trance, etc.

The agents blackmail Scorpex, real name Luis, into helping them ID and photograph a mysterious drug underworld kingpin, Dricus. How many times have we seen that screenwriter crutch trotted out? The authorities will wipe Luis’s unpaid tax debts if he does this.

“No risk involved,” Agent Rose assures him (in French with subtitles, or dubbed. But watch it in French).

Scorpex has a protege who stole his “X” and became the club superstar of the moment as Vestax (Mister V), and he’s who the French feds are watching for his Dricus connection.

There’s a Russian mobster named Molo, short for Molotov (Alexis Manenti, funny and scary) whom Vestax is close with, a guy with a musical agenda and a hook-up for a big fashion show gig. Scorpex has to pal around with Vestax until Molo decides it was his idea all along to book a “Double X” gig with the two for that fashion show, which the feds figure is where a big drug mob “meet” will happen.

And Scorpex has an adult daughter (Nina Zem) who would like to have a closer connection with her father as she dabbles in DJing and mixing, fashion modeling and painting. Scorpex needs to protect her as he backs into this “espionage” gig, all the while hoping for a fresh break that’ll mark his “comeback.” Not that he’d call it that.

He’s memorized the has-been’s mantra — “I never LEFT!”

The action is limited and goofy — a game of “Name that Tune” that involves teams throwing knives at the DJ who can’t “Name that Tune,” hanging-out-the-car-door torture, drinking and drugging binges. other “tests” by the mobsters and the like.

Nope. Nothing much new to see here.

But watch how Cassel’s Luis lies and charms a blundering DJ away from the turntables in a way that allows the kid to save face and never know he’s having an off night. Pick up on the fatherly advice to younger performers from the guy who was an absentee dad.

Watch him piss off a generation “snowflake” vocalist, only to pull a brassy Black fashion designer (Déborah Lukumuena) into the studio on a whim. She’s full-figured and Black, she must rap, right? And have grievances to rap about?

And chuckle at the invention of that blitzed musical moment on a Citroen’s hood.

The music drops are good enough to pass muster, and the peformances mostly transcend the tried and trite story and the frankly pedestrian direction.

That makes “Banger” not quite the banger it was supposed to be.

But Cassel has the moves and the “Ibiza abs” to pull it off, from dancing at the turntables to shooting pool in the nude (An homage to Inspector Clouseau?) as one last Russian mob “test” — a novel way to figure out if Scorpex is a snitch and wearing a wire.

Rating: TV-MA, drugs, smoking, profanity

Cast: Vincent Cassel, Laura Felpin, Mister V, Alexis Manenti, Nina Zem and Déborah Lukumuena

Credits: Directed by So-Me, scripted by So-Me, Elias Belkeddar and Baptiste Fillon. A Netflix release.

Running time: 1:31

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