Movie Nation

The old “lost dad was a wizard and suburban son goes on a quest to find him” plot. With teens and a van and unicorns. March.

Maud’s conscientous. Maud has the Holy Spirit in her. Or something like that. Maybe unholy?

Jennifer Ehle is the cynical dying socialite cared for by Maud (Morfydd Clark) this late March/early April horror tale. 

Some of us are old enough to remember when Romany Malco was funny. “40 Year Old Virgin” and “Baby Mama,” even “Think Like a Man” Romany was edgy, testy, antic and funny.

None of which are in evidence in this tepid traipse into the tinsel. “Holiday Rush” is a rush-job Christmas comedy with romance that has maybe two laughs in it, one of them a flashback to Malco’s more manic past.

He plays Rush, a top rated New York DJ with all the trappings of affluence, and four kids who have never known want or struggle.

And then, BOOM, he’s fired. This is the first ridiculous thing that happens in “Holiday Rush.” One minute and his hand-holder/producer Roxy (Sonequa Martin-Green) are prepping a presentation to buy part ownership of the urban music station they’ve made a success. The next minute, the station’s been bought, the manager (Deon Cole, trying way too hard) can’t protect them and a new syndicated pop program (hosted by a pretty blonde out of LA) is replacing them.

All this is crashing down on Rush ight before Christmas, too. How will he tell the twins, who want ponies for Christmas? The bling-fixated teen? The son with Harvard in his sights?

Rush is widowed, so it’s a good thing he’s got Aunt Jo (pop legend Darlene Love) there to critique his child-rearing.

“The richer you get, you greedier these kids get!”

She’s readier than he is to break the news to the spoiled brats that things are going to be a lot more like they were when SHE was a child — “Five of us, sharing ONE EGG!”

Dad’s more sanguine. “There’s a whole lot of ‘not happening’ that’s about to start happening.”

Roxy may have a plan, raise money to buy a competing station.  That’s the SECOND ridiculous thing to pop up, here. You know what any New York FM station would go for these days? Millions and millions.

Rush has to ride herd on rebellious kids, put their suburban McMansion on the market to raise cash, and give the kids a taste of what Christmas is REALLY supposed to be about.

A visit from his dead wife, a little interior monologue as he recites his rewritten version of “The Night Before Christmas,” scheming at the old radio station (Tamala Jones is the corporate ball-breaker) to do their new radio station in, none of it adds up to anything funny.

A smart-aleck kid hamming through “Oh SNAP, I didn’t see ‘homeless’ on the menu,” a generous helping of screenwriterly “Afro-American slang” “up in here” cracks — “About to get ‘humbuggy in here,” etc. — a dad telling his daughter “Only rich kids play lacross” and all of them “We’ve all gotten a little…what’s the word?” “Bougie?”

Malco only gets up to speed once, a testy exchange with former neighbors over “Why aren’t you on the radio any more?”

The priority here is in not generating comic conflict and friction, not letting Malco and Cole and Jones mix it up. The kids aren’t funny enough to build the movie around them, the obstacles to “romance” don’t set off angry sparks.

And Love’s talents, in the Jenifer Lewis role, are best appreciated in song.

There’s little to this film that hints that “Holiday Rush” could have been saved. But mixing it up, more, centering more on the adult conflicts because the kids aren’t funny enough, might have reminded us that Malco can still be funny. This just makes that a distant memory.

MPAA: TV-PG

Cast: Romany Malco,  Sonequa Martin-Green, Deon Cole, Tamala Jones and Darlene Love

Credits: Directed by Leslie Small, script by Sean Dwyer, Greg Cope White.  A Netflix release.

Running time: 1:34

In theaters August 21, 2020. https://t.co/K4tXKihPem https://twitter.com/BillandTed3/status/1206986853523640320?s=20

Imagine, if you will, something like a Key & Peele riff on a particularly blasphemous Monty Python Nativity sketch, rendered in the most profane Portugeuse.

That’s “A Primeira Tentação de Cristo,” a comedy special by Brazil’s Portos dos Fundos comedy Youtube channel. The English translation of the title? “The First Temptation of Christ.”

It’s bawdy, crude and manic, and it’s offensive enough to inspire “cancel Netflix” movements in certain corners of the world.

And by the way, it’s pretty damned funny, too. It pokes fun at religions in general, Christianity in particular, with a “people will believe anything” jocularity. It riffs on Brazilian homophobia and a vengeful, irresponsible “absentee father” God Almighty.

“Absent father? I’m OMNIPRESENT!”

Yeah, you’ve got to read subtitles to get the jokes — most of them. But the energy and liberating mockery of it all win you over.

The Three Kings/Wise Men are shlepping back to Bethlehem — “Are they still in that place with the manger?” — OK, NAZARETH then, with more gifts.

They kvetch about all the fun they could be having in Mykonos, on a Greek beach. They’re cheaping out on the gifts — flowers plucked along the way,”Myrrh, again?” Melchior’s brought his famous ham and cheese sandwich. Only an IDIOT woud bring pork as a gift, right?

“I said HAM.”

They arrive and realize this year it’s to be a surprise party for the Son of God. He’s 30. He’s off in the desert, but he’ll be back any minute. Have a drink!

“There’s no wine because Jesus hasn’t got around to doing miracles, yet,” Joseph (Rafael Portugal) complains.

The unruly family mingles and mills about. There’s a synethesizer playing a little dance music. But “Uncle Vittorio” (Antonio Tabet) is here and threatens to ruin the entire evening. He thinks it’s time to have “the talk” with Jesus, tell him that he’s his real father.

That’s right, the guy Mary (Evelyn Castro) has been passing off as an “uncle” is God Almighty. Well, at least he brought cake.

“NO ANGELS were harmed in the making of it,” he jokes. Joseph isn’t having it.

“That joke’s so old Noah told it!”

That’s the tenor of things here, poking, teasing, lightly mocking. Yes, Jesus was just in the desert “finding himself.” Yes, he came back with a special friend, Orlando (Fábio Porchat).

Yes, the family’s entirely too concerned, tactlessly so, about his sexual orientation. Jesus (Gregório Duvivier) is sure they’ve been reading his diary.

“Am I to be the ONLY one who can’t have a relationship? Is it a CRIME for a boy to have dreams? About a cousin?”

Jesus has visions that include a chat with other dieties — Shiva, Buddha, Haile Selassie and a Lizard Man from Scientology (I guess).

That’s the only gutless thing in “The First Temptation.” No ridicule for The Prophet? THAT would be edgy. Next year, take a shot at Ramadan.

“Temptation” is basically an overlong sketch leaning heavily on Christianity, stereotypes — got to convince the Hebrews a ham & cheese is made from soy, slaughtered in the kosher Shechita tradition — and the whole “They can’t SAY that, can they?” incorrectness of it all.

But the pacing, the in-your-face energy of “The First Temptation” put it over. If you’re easily offended about anything described above, it’s not for you. Watch something else.

And Portos de Fundos? We’re waiting for that Ramadan special.

MPAA Rating: TV-MA, violence, profanity, touchy content

Cast: Evelyn Castro, Gregório Duvivier, Fábio Porchat, Rafael Portugal, Antonio Tabet

Credits: Directed by Rodrigo Van Der Put. An MPCA/Netflix release.

Running time: 46 minutes

Jonathan Rhys Meyers plays a man who may or may not be a serial killer in “Awake,” a thriller that promises to start quickly and find a fresh twist or two by the end, and fails at both.

We meet his character on a rural Oklahoma road, see him chased by a Land Rover and run off that road. When he wakes up, covered in bandages and in the hospital, he can’t remember who he is.

But a tippling FBI agent (Malik Yoba of TV’s “First Wives Club”) and his old pal, a local sheriff (veteran character actor William Forstythe) find a body in the guy’s trunk. “John Doe” might be the guy killing all these girls along the Texas/Oklahoma border.

“John” barely has enough time to register all this, and certainly doesn’t have the time to charm his nurse (Francesca Eastwood) into helping him escape.

“Whatta you suggest I do? Go to the PO-lice? Oh, they’ll help me…all the way to a lethal INJECTION!”

She becomes his hostage. He forgets his accent. And they’re on the run from the PO-lice, hunting for “the real killer,” just like OJ.

Yoba and Forsythe have an easy chemistry, playing old pals who refuse to judge each other (drinking on the job, etc.).

“What you think of me is none of my damn business!”

Eastwood makes a pretty convincing nurse, earthy and warm. The part is undemanding, even when the script makes far-fetched leaps for her character to cross. She’s a bit too “real” though — bland. There’s little here that suggests the intuition that must be why she buys into this guy’s “I can’t have done this.”

Meyers generally gives fair value, and he does a passable job of suggesting “frantic” even as this “John” fellow betrays an instinctive revulsion for harming others. There’s no chemistry between the two. Perhaps Meyers is wary of her old man.

“Awake” serves up a decent tussle or two, an awful murder and a few righteous kills. As the picture progresses, it almost draws one in — eventually.

But then the finale, all flashback “explanations” and actions we see coming long before they play out, finishes the job the dead early chapters started.

MPAA Rating: unrated, bloody violence

Cast: Jonathan Rhys Meyers, Francesca Eastwood, Malik Yoba, Jamews Austin Kerr and William Forsythe

Credits: Directed by Aleksandr Chernyaev, Fedor Lyass, script by Elana Zeltser. A Cinedigm release.

Running time: 1:30

If he is making just one more feature film, he doesn’t want it to be a franchise popcorn pic based on a TV series.

R-rated or not, “Tarantino-esque” Trek. Not happening.

https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/heat-vision/quentin-tarantino-backs-away-his-star-trek-movie-1263001

A young violinist comes to terms with her estranged father’s past in this Jan. 10 release.

The recent “Star Wars” reboots have left me a bit cold — delighted by “Rogue One,” well-cast, a story with real life-or-death stakes — unimpressed by “Solo,” underwhelmed by the J.J. Abrams storyline and casting.

But I’m optimistic. I tend to like concluding chapters if they give us a fond farewell.

Wonder if (a) Baby Yoda will make an appearance? Because “giving the people what they want” is paramount in this Disney series.

One rabbit hole that the shift of movie reviewing to an online profession can send you down is Google letting you know what questions people are asking when they track down a film review.

The most common? “X, Y or Z movie ending explained.” Lots of movies confuse people, and if you’ve invested the time in watching it, by George SOMEbody better be able to explain it.

My reviews contain a lot of details so I get this a lot. No, they aren’t “spoilers” if you’re summarizing the overall plot, and give away as little as possible from the last half to two-thirds of a movie. So I no doubt have disappointed readers trying to track down clues to unraveling “Beneath the Leaves,” to mention one title that I’ve seen this tracking data on. A LOT of people were thrown by that one.

“She’s Missing” is another that’s going to frustrate viewers. It’s a vague, dreamy missing person thriller that doesn’t really belong in any of those genres. And its finale can be taken in Depeche Mode terms (“Your own…personal…JE-sus!”), as a control/power trip exercise or something more hallucinatory and existential.

Beats me. And I’ve been doing this since LAST LA Olympics.

Willowy Lucy Fry from TV’s “Godfather of Harlem” and “11.22.63” miniseries dresses down as Heidi, a truck stop waitress in the middle of nowhere in the desert Southwest. Heidi’s a shrinking violet in the presence of her best friend, the vivacious and outspoken Jane (Eiza González of last summer’s “Hobbes & Shaw”).

“Heidi’s a YES girl,” Jane teases.

Heidi has settled here for reasons unknown. Jane sure as hell doesn’t get why ANYbody would want to live there. She’s got plans — small plans — to get out.

“I’m gonna be rodeo queen! I’m gonna marry Taylor…get a big house…travel the world!”

Jane proceeds to do almost exactly what her determined little heart desires. She gets into the pageant, where her speech has fire to it. “Who thinks they were born for MORE than this?”

She closes the deal with Taylor, because he’s enlisted and is about to deploy. We join Heidi at their wedding as she and we pick up on Jane’s mercenary side. Him saying “It’s YOU I’m going to be fighting for” isn’t anything she takes seriously. Jane has base housing and that’s what matters to her. She even brushes off Heidi.

Heidi is challenged by the same false duality on several occasions, the “two types of people in this world” trope.

And then, as the movie’s title implies, Jane goes missing.

Heidi’s odyssey in search of a missing person has a languid quality which tells us this hunt isn’t really what writer-director Alexandra McGuiness is interested in making her movie about.

Heidi’s personal journey begins as that “yes girl” who backed into a “relationship” with an older man (Christian Camargo) who was/is married and is VERY touchy about what he does for the Immigration and Naturalization Service (“You set up those camps? Why do you DO that job?”).

She’s concerned about Jane because she’s had encounters with people looking for missing daughters. There’s even a billboard for some missing “some rich girl” right next to the truck stop where she works.

She can’t get anybody else interested or alarmed, not even Jane’s estranged mother, who calls her own flesh and blood a manipulative “little switch” and dismisses Heidi’s concerns.

There are just enough clues, or at least introductions, to push us towards what really happened here; the odd crowd Jane was mixed up with (Sheila Vand, Josh Harnett), the last places she was seen, drugs, other missing women.

But the payoff that Irish writer-director McGuinness (“Lotus Eaters”) gets around to — eventually — is hazy, cheesy and frustratingly abrupt. She has no idea how to resolve all this, so she has everybody pontificating, theorizing and psychoanalyzing.

Still, the leads are compelling and the emptiness of the milieu tells its own story of frustrating isolation and thwarted dreams and ambitions.

McGuiness, the daughter of U-2 impressario Paul McGuiness, got Irish Film Board money to make this, and that was money flushed down an Irish drain. Whatever she was getting at, she doesn’t really get at it.

And if you’re here looking to unravel “What this was all about,” I feel your pain.

MPAA Rating: unrated, with substance abuse and sexual content

Cast: Lucy Fry,  Eiza González, Christian Camargo and Josh Hartnett

Credits: Written and directed by Alexandra McGuinness.  A Vertical release.

Running time: 1:40