Movie Review: “Aloha” means “Why Bother?” with this remake of “Lilo & Stitch”

The latest Disney remake of an animated classic makes “Lilo & Stitch” more Hawaiian and less cartoonish. The former might be a big deal, in terms of getting Hawaian culture right and advertising the island paradise-state to tourists. But the latter is an unforgivable omission in a comic romp about aliens, animal shelters, surfing and family.

“Ohana means ‘family,’ and family means nobody gets left behind” is the one thing all of us learned from the 2002 Disney comedy, a lightweight action romp designed to be a modern “Dumbo” variation — quick, cheap, cute, funny and sentimental.

Director Dean Fleischer Camp’s live-action remake is an almost note-for-note copy, with most of the notes not resonating the way they did 20something years ago.

Casting a live Hawaian girl as Lilo (Maia Kealoha) pays no real dividends. Making Billy Magnussen and whatever happened to Zach Galifianakis the aliens hunting their lost “experiment” weapon creature 626, who has escaped to Earth and been adopted out as a “service animal” by a no-kill animal shelter achieves a few “different” takes, lines and moments, but zero laughs.

Courtney B. Vance taking over for the far-more-menacing Ving Rhames as CIA Agent Cobra Bubbles doesn’t pay off. Bringing back Tia Carrere (as a social worker, she was Lilo’s sister Noni in the original) and (the voice of) Chris Sanders as Stitch is the least tribute Disney could pay to a hit movie that produced TV series and other intellectual property bonanzas back in the day.

It’s not totally soulless, even if it is mostly laugh-free. But hundreds of millions in tickets sold or not, the filmmakers never manage anything like a reason that this intellectual property should have been remade.

Brace yourself for, “Mommy, why isn’t this as fun as the cartoon?”

Rating: PG

Cast: Maia Kealoha, Sydney Adugong, Tia Carrere, Courtney B. Vance
Billy Magnussen, and Zach Galifianakis, with Chris Sanders as the voice of Stitch.

Credits: Directed by Dean Fleischer Camp, scripted by Chris Kekaniokalani Bright and Mike Van Waes, based on the 2002 animated film scripted by Chris Sanders and Dean DeBlois A Walt Disney release.

Running time: 1:48

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Movie Review: Lovelorn Writer and Bookseller realizes “Jane Austen Wrecked My Life”

Perhaps only the French could get away with a Jane Austen rom-com riff like “Jane Austen Wrecked My Life.” It’s slight and predictable, with featherweight jokes and a whiff of “Why’d she choose HIM?”

But title it “Jane Austen a gâché ma vie,” film it in French (with subtitles) and English, build it around a clerk in perhaps the most famous bookstore in Paris (Shakespeare and Company) if not the world, and it takes on a certain je nais se quios, just enough of it to make up the fact that they’ve rubbed all the edges off “Austenesque” in the process.

No, tossing in a touch of Euro nudity doesn’twholly atone for that.

Camille Rutherford of “Blue is the Warmest Color” is Agathe, a bookseller in the most poetic setting such people can thrive in, a frustrated writer with personal phobias and an ongoing flirtation with co-worker Felix (Pablo Pauly of “The French Dispatch”), complicated but comfy suburban living arrangements with her single-mom sister and one frustrated ambition.

She’d like to be a published writer herself, a romance novelist more on the Austen end of the spectrum than the Nicholas Sparks one.

Helpful Felix has pooh-pooh’d her writer’s block and submitted the promising beginning to her latest work to the Brits who should know talent. She’s awarded a Jane Austen Writer’s Residency at the Austen house.

Not much is made of the house, the location or the fact that this is a real thing and there are often groups of promising or even accomplished writers briefly residing there looking for “inspiration.” All we know is it’s in the UK, that Agathe has a phobia about cars (she bike-commutes to work) and that her grudgingly undertaken trip includes a ferry ride, which ends with her picked up in the least safe car imaginable — an unreliable 1960s MGB.

Charlie Anson plays the “great great great nephew” of Empire waistline Austen, Oliver, a snobby Oxford “contemporary literature” prof who drives and runs errands for his aged parents (Liz Crowther and Alan Fairbairn) who are the “real” Austen authorities and keepers of the flame.

Pity about Dear Old Dad’s forgetting to wear pants. Or underpants. Cute, though.

As Oliver is set up as a haughty Mr. Darcy and Felix takes on the role of the less suitable suitor, the one who wants to get her over her “imposter syndrome” (“I’m not a REAL writer!”), we hunt about for events, clashes — the assorted writers-in-residence include thriller novelists and a feminist/Marxist critic — that will enliven them en route to the “autumn ball” that the residency throws for the writers and locals, in “Pride & Prejudice/Sense and Sensibility” wear.

Agathe, whose father was a Brit, may be “looking for a Mark Darcy,” Felix teases. But she sees herself as Anne Elliott, the mousy “spinster” heroine of Austen’s “Persuasion.” The shallow Felix is her idea of “Henry Crawford of ‘Mansfield Park,'” opportunistic and perhaps out of the running for life partner.

Or perhaps not.

The limited locations sparkle, and the gags set up Agathe as out-of-her-depth hapless in some predictable (opening the wrong door while nude) and offbeat (spat on by llamas) ways.

Writer-director Laura Piani has made a frustrating film in that it mocks the idea of adding life experiences in order to become a writer, when plainly Agathe is doing just that. She makes a murk of the mimicked Austen romance formula. The stakes in all of this are low, and the resolution abrupt in ways that suck some of the romance right out of it.

But Rutherford is engaging, Pauly and Anson likeable “types” and the settings lush and Austenesque.

And it’s just French enough to feel novel, after decades of Austen adaptations, biographies and the like, a “fresh take” that isn’t all that but does no shame to its titular novelist and the iconic bookseller who figures she “wrecked my life.”

Rating: R, nudity, sexual situations

Cast: Camille Rutherford, Pablo Pauly, Charlie Anson, Liz Crowther,
Annabelle Lengronne and Alan Fairbairn.

Credits: Scripted and directed by Laura Piani. A Sony Pictures Classic release.

Running time: 1:38

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Sundays are for Cinebingeing

Let’s catch all the trailers and features — we’ve missed…

“Friendship,” “Karate/Legends,” “Jane Austen Wrecked,”: etc. .

It’ll do until the Durham Bulls are in town.

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BOX OFFICE: “Lilo” and “Mission: Impossible” punch out “Karate Kid”

Remakes, reboots and sequels are selling all the tickets as May winds down and the summer cinema season marches into June. The “live action” remake of “Lilo & Stitch” is still pulling in parents, grandparents and the kids who insist on being taken to see it.

Deadline.com points to a $60 million+ second “Lilo” weekend, maybe $65 as they traditionally underestimate the appeal of family oriented kid fare.

The “Mission: Impossible” finale, “The Final Reckoning,” is doing half the business — if that — of “Lilo,” with a $25-28 million weekend, putting it over $120 million in two weeks while “Lilo & Stitch” might clear the$280 million mark after two weeks.

Not much left over for the umpteenth iteration of “The Karate Kid,” a venerable franchise revived for TV not once but twice, adding Jackie Chan and bringing back Ralph Macchio for “Karate Kid: Legends,” which moves on from Will Smith’s nepo baby Jaden Smith for this, the sixth big screen “Kid,” dating back to 1984.

Indiffent reviews aside, it should clear $20-21 million, and if it doesn’t — of does, barely — that should be the end of that series for another generation.

The revived “Final Destination: Bloodlines,” is raking in another $10 million, with the decades old horror franchise clearing the $100 million mark Saturday en route to a $110 million total by weekend’s end.

Conversely, A24’s original horror title “Bring Her Back” is lurching towards a $7-8 million opening weekend.

If you wonder why Hollywood is perfectly content to serve up nothing but remakes, rehashes and sequels, there’s your explanation. Cinematic comfort food pays off. Even the exhausted “Karate Kid” will out earn most “original” titles. “Sinners” was both a unicorn, and the exception that proves the rule.

It’s doubtful Wes Anderson’s “The Phonecian Scheme” will earn enough in the biggest cities (limited opening this weekend) and elsewhere (next weekend) to make much of a dent in the BO leader board.

But if you’re limiting yourself to truly “new” film fare, the pickings have been slim this spring and summer.

This weekend’s other “news” is that “Thunderbolts*” and “Sinners” exit the top five, but not the top ten.

“Hurry Up Tomorrow” exits the top ten and puts The Weeknd’s big screen dreams to bed.

“The Amateur” finishes its run after earning just over $40 million, and Disney’s live action “Snow White” won’t reach the $90 million mark and it loses the last of its screens at $87.

“The Accountant 2” might reach the $70 million mark — barely — as it hangs around one more week.

“Friendship” and “The Last Rodeo” are eyeing the $10 million mark hurdle, which both may clear by weekend’s end.

I’ll update these figures as more data comes in Sat. and Sunday.

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Movie Preview: Pete Davidson has a new job at “The Home”

And it’s not going well.

This looks good and creepy and “Clockwork” ish.

July 25.

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Classic Film Review: Brando goes Godfather one last time for “The Freshman” (1990)

Brando skates! Maximillian Schell sings! Brando kisses Broderick! Bert Parks croons Dylan!

And most amazingly of all, no wildlife, or actors, were actually harmed in the making of “The Freshman,” an old-fashioned PG-rated romp from 1990. Well, maybe the writer-director took a few knocks. He was working with Marlon Brando after all.

But Andrew Bergman convinced the Greatest Method Actor of Them All to send up one of his greatest performances in this lighthearted comedy. Casting Matthew Broderick opposite Brando made the headlines too easy.

‘”Ferris Bueller’ meets his match in ‘The Godfather.”‘

It was cute when it came out, giving fans a chance to savor Brando turning on the charm, with a playful hint of menace, and teen idol of the era Broderick the chance to hold his own with The Great One. But the passing of the years have this classic aging like a bottle of fine Sangiovese. The performances are pitch-perfect. The novelty of seeing and hearing legends having a lark still tickles.

And for a film buff, “The Freshman” is an embarassment of riches — the way it references classic films, leans into “The Godfather” and ridicules the most famous film school of them all (NYU), a film that celebrates notorious New York “types” and skewers of the destructiveness of the superrich as it does.

Broderick plays a posh Putney School grad from Vermont who railroads into New York to attend NYU. Clark Kellogg is smart and polished, disconnected from the nature-fanatic stepfather (Kenneth Welsh) financing this indulgence. But he’s no street-smart Ferris Bueller rebel.

He tries his damnedest to not get hustled on his way to the subway in Grand Central Station. But the not-quite-wiseguy with the unctuous patter and horrific short sleeved sportscoat (Bruno Kirby at his most weasely) takes him in. And takes off with his luggage.

Paul Benedict, another bit of on-the-nose casting, plays the narcissistic professor/advisor who has memorized lines and performances to all the films he teaches, obsesses about and publishes books on, which he forces his students to buy and memorize “the Fleeber” way. “Guns and Provolone” is his take on “The Godfather.” The professor has no interest in young Clark’s problems. Until the kid gets mixed up with the mobster mockingly nicknamed “Jimmy the Toucan.”

Because Clark spies and chases down the hapless Vic (Kirby), with Vic fast-talking his way out of stealing the kid’s money by pitching him a job with “my uncle,” an “importer/exporter” named Carmine Sabbatini.

A running gag begins, “the resemblance” of the hulking, imperious and mysterious Mr. Sabatini to “The Godfather.” That repeated joke joins every New Yorker’s amusing refusal to acknowledge where Clark is from — “Montana,” “Kansas,” Vermont — “Same difference.” — Vic’s pointless efforts to translate snippets of New York Italian that season the dialogue of everybody in this corner of Little Italy and later Carmine’s evasiveness about what he does for a living and what he wants Clark to do for him, which Clark questions constantly.

You’re sure this pick-up and delivery from the airport business is on the up and up? “Promise?”

“Every word I say, by definition, is a promise.”

As the kid and his film nerd roomie (Frank Whaley) find themselves in over their heads, wrestling a rare Komodo Dragon into a mafia Cadillac — and losing it, briefly, hilariously and chaotically, in a mall — they have to wonder just what they’ve gotten themselves into.

Penelope Ann Miller plays Carmine’s smart, winsome but reconciled-with-dad’s-work daughter, Tina. Like Daddy, what Tina wants, Tina gets. Daddy wanted “The Mona Lisa.” The REAL one. Tina wants Clark.

Maximillian Schell vamps the hell out of the role of chef at Carmine’s “Gourmet Club.” BD Wong vamps up his turn as chef’s assistant.

Younger viewers may have no idea who the band singer is in the film’s Gourmet Club finale. But anybody old enough to remember Miss America Pageant emcee Bert Parks, famed for singing “There she is, Miss America,” can’t help but giggle at Bert bopping through “Tequila,” sending up “There She Is” and leaping feet-first into Dylan’s “Maggie’s Farm.”

And Jon Polito and Richard Gant are the fanatical Feds who want to turn the screws on Clark to get to Carmine and this whole shady “import” endangered species business he’s in.

Film buffs will find “Godfather” connections and classic film jokes scattered throughout “The Freshman.”

But some critics, then and now, thought or think that Brando wearing a mustache, tuxes, even a sweater and hat resembling those he wore in “The Godfather,” lit from above to hide his eyes to double down on the parody, was and is “lazy,” that he wasn’t giving us much in this performance.

They’re wrong. There’s a playfulness and an engagement here that wasn’t something Brando showed often. He’s in delightful form, giving the best and lightest performance of his later career — topping “Don Juan de Marco” and his impish supporting turn in “The Score.”

Yes, he was problematic as a performer and a person. But here it’s as if he finished filming “Guys and Dolls” in the ’50s and devoted himself to a whole other career — an understated comedian wholly in control of his gifts, wholly willing to mock the heck out of his reputation and his most celebrated “comeback” role.

There’s a grandness to him that reminded me of Dianne Weist’s far broader turn in “Bullets Over Broadway.” Bergman, who scripted “The In-Laws,” and whose best film as writer-director was the feather-light rom-com “It Could Happen to You,” handled Brando well and challenged him (ice skating) in ways that should have delighted the “difficult” star, but which Brando would never admit.

“The Freshman” invites us to let Brando surprise us one more time, laugh at the serious Oscar winner (and former Brando co-star) Schell, and appreciate the Golden Age of Matthew Broderick.

Watch his attention to Brando, his reactions to his mercurial co-star’s tricks and surprises (walnuts). And savor just how good and confident of his skills this “kid” was, pretty much from the very start of his career, a teen phenom holding his own with The Greatest in a comedy that’s wearing its years with the effortless ease it summoned up the day it opened.

Rating: PG

Cast: Marlon Brando, Matthew Broderick, Penelope Ann Miller, Bruno Kirby, Paul Benedict, Jon Polito, Richard Gant, Frank Whaley, BD Wong and Maximillian Schell.

Credits: Scripted and directed by Andrew Bergman. A Tristar release on Cinevault, Amazon, other streamers.

Running time: 1:42

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Documentary Review: Archaeologist Could Rewrite American Prehistory if he saves an Ancient Site from his Fellow Texans — “The Stones Are Speaking”

Anyone with just a passing appreciation of American archaeology has heard of a Clovis point or stone tool. That’s an ancient spear point dating from a people and an era that for generations has been considered “The First Americans,” arriving 12-13,000 years ago.

The first Clovis points were found near the town of that name in New Mexico in the 1932. The so-called “Clovis First” doctrine has been archaeological orthodoxy for decades, and challenges to it have invited heated debates that only recently have bent towards acceptance that humans migrated to North America earlier, perhaps much earlier than that.

“The Stones Are Speaking” is a documentary about work on one site in Texas that seemed to settle the argument once and for all, and about the heroic archeologist who sweet-talked the owners of the Gault Site, an hour north of Austin, and who fought to save the site from “collectors,” looters and owners looking to cash in on an historic treasure trove.

We meet and hear how Dr. Michael B. Collins got interested in archeology, his years of experience in academia and in the field, working on sites around the world. But the work that would put him in the history books involved his rediscovering a long-known and roughly handled “pay to dig” portion of a farm where collectors could be sure of finding ancient artifacts.

Collins, an expert in evaluating “the scraps people left behind,” identified that this Gault farm on Buttermilk Creek site was not just filled with Clovis-era artifacts, but that it showed evidence of habitation and stonework — including primitive art — going back thousands of years earlier.

“The Stones Are Speaking” features interviews with assorted experts and local volunteers, and with Dr. Tom Dillehay, an archaeologist who was one of the first to put a dent in the “Clovis first” dogma via digs in South America that revealed  that the accepted Ice Age Bering Strait migration from Asia wasn’t the first arrival of humans in the Western Hemisphere.

But the heart of “Stones” is Collins himself, celebrated for his dogged work, his mentorship and for getting access to this site from a “cantankerous” cash business operating owner and the later relatives who got hold of the land with similar ideas about how to profit from it.

Collins spent years talking to the last owners — Doris and Howard Lindsey — negotiating a price, trying to raise funds and find someone or some entity to buy this land for a park.

“We got knocked down a lot,” one of Collins’ fellow researchers marveled at this effort to buy land for science and to preserve history in conservative Texas. “But Mike kept getting back up.”

Despite first-time feature filmmaker Olive Talley’s many pains to paint the Lindseys as “regular folks” and reasonable people, the film can’t avoid portraying them as backhoe-happy opportunists, the villains of the story.

In terms of cinematic sophstication, Talley’s simply crafted documentary sits a lot closer to PBS than the cut-and-paste hackery of The History Channel (no “Ancient Aliens,” alas) on the historical doc spectrum, but closer to what a well-funded local PBS affiliate would produce than a slicker national PBS production in terms of polish.

But her film manages the important things well enough — updating viewers on the status of the “Clovis First/Bering Strait” debate and the hard facts that have caused that theory to evolve, bringing more attention to this site and the scientists (including one figure in particular) who insisted it needed saving, and reminding one and all the uphill battle science faces in a state and a country where baiting and bashing science has become political sport.

Cast: Dr. Michael B. Collins, Tom Dillehay, Kenneth Garrett, Karen Collins, Jon Lohse, Jill Patton, Doris and Howard Lindsey.

Credits: Scripted and directed by Olive Talley. A Gault Film release on Amazon.

Running time: 1:25

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Movie Preview: Keanu is Aziz Ansari’s “budget guardian angel” — “Guardian Angel”

Sandra Oh and Seth Rogan also star in this profane, in more ways than one, angel-poking comedy.

October 17.

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Movie Preview: A Secret Mission sends Civil War commandos down “Resurrection Road”

A Civil War thriller on a budget? What not?

This one drops June 6.

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Movie Review: “Worth the Wait?” Worth tracking down

What’s not to like about “Worth the Wait?”

A series of interconnected love stories that fit together well enough, a blend of the romantic, the cute and the sad, there’s no heavy lifting in any of this. It’s never laugh-out-loud funny or all that surprising. But it plays.

A movie star is keenly aware of her rep as a diva actress whom “men leave” is forced to work with a director she has “history” with.

A teenager tries to hang onto her first love in the face of open disapproval from the stern uncle who raises her.

A young couple races to the hospital in that uncle’s ride share — mother-in-law in-tow — for the birth of their child.

A Sino-Malaysian businessman who needs to get home to his stern dad/boss is trapped in the Kia cab with them, because it’s a “ride share.”

Then an emergency room doctor catches the businessman’s eye, setting up one a magical day and night-long “date.”

It’s also worth adding that “Worth the Wait” showcases Seattle at its most photogenic and Kuala Lumpur as a bucket list visit.

The collection of bittersweet romances stars that “To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before” pixie Lana Condor. She’s Seattle emergency room doc Leah, half swept-off-her-feet by handsome Kai (Ross Butler), who has to admit he “almost threw up” at the childbirth that almost took place in that Kia.

“So I’m a lot tougher and stronger than you,” she teases him. He quips “I’m 100% OK with that!”

She’s leery of relationships — long distance ones especially. But here they go.

That’s the theme of the movie. “Will it be worth it if things don’t work out?”

That young pregnant couple (Karena Ka-Yan Lam and Osric Chou)? They lose the baby. Can their relationship recover? “Will it be worth” all the heartache” to “try again?”

Ali Fumiko Whitney plays Riley, who loves social media prankster Blake (Ricky He). But prom and graduation are coming up. They’ve been seeing each other for a year and she’s never dared tell grumpy ride-share driver Uncle Curtis (Sung Kang of the “Fast and Furious” franchise).

That’s nothing. Kai starts a long-distance romance with Leah without telling her that the real reason he’s sticking with this mergers and acquisitions gig in Malaysia is that he’s scared to disappoint his boss, his bullying firm-founder dad.

Action star Amanda Yan (Elodie Yung, Elektra on TV’s “Daredevil,” “The Hitman’s Bodyguard”) is shooting a new thriller in Seattle. But her director has fled, and she’s not aware her ex (Andrew Koji of “Bullet Train” and “Gangs of London”) has taken the gig until he shows up at a press conference.

Characters have secrets and issues and connections which are sometimes familial, sometimes set up in support groups and sometimes underexplained.

The comedy isn’t of the side-splitting variety, with dopey prankster Blake taking tumbles (“Not my first roof!”) and blundering into a “Let’s secretly set up your uncle with a ride-share blind date.” scheme.

But every poignant scene works. The couplings and the dilemmas they face are believable and plausible. Even the people behaving like jerks have their reasons.

Light romances and rom-coms have proven so difficult to pull off in recent years that whenever one comes along that works well enough, you can’t help but whisper “Hallelujah,” even if you can’t quite justify shouting it.

Rating: PG

CastL Lana Condor, Ross Butler, Elodie Yung, Karena Ka-Yan Lam, Ali Fumiko Whitney, Ricky He, Osric Chou and Sung Kang

Credits: Directed by Tom Shu-Yu Lin, scripted by Maggie Hartmans. A Tubi Original (on Tubi).

Running time: 1:42

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