Movie Preview: Austin dreams for a “Band on the Run”

Could be fun. The trailer doesn’t ensure it.

It’s a period piece — not Paul McCartney and Wings era ’70s but ’90s Detroit area grunge band hoping for a South by Southwest Fest record deal era.

Freestyle picked it up. Coming soon.

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Netflixable? Marseilles-set “K.O.” Delivers a Glancing Blow

“K.O.” is a two-fisted French actioner about an ex-MMA fighter coerced into tracking down the missing son of a man he killed in the octagon.

The fights are as furious as the story is ludicrous.

Long review short, it’s about a Marseilles gang going so far a to shoot and hack its way into a police station to silence an eyewitness to a mass murder. No, that doesn’t scan, add-up or make sense in an ends-justify-the-means sense.

Ciryl Gane of “Den of Thieves: Pantera” is Bastien, a hulking Jack Reacher-sized brawler who bludgeons his way out of a hole to victory in an MMA fight only to have to listen to the cries of his opponent’s wife and son from the arena. Enzo the foe never woke up.

Years later, Bastien is doing manual labor in the South of France, busting rocks on a work crew, when he’s sought out by the dead man’s widow, Emma (Anne Azoulay). Her son, Leo (Maleaume Paquin) acted out on his bitterness and fell into the drug trade. Now, he’s seen something he shouldn’t have –a gangland massacre. An informant for Captain Kenza Alaui (Alice Belaïdi), Leo’s a “squealer” now on the lam from the infamous Manchours clan. Emma wants Bastien to find Leo before the mobs and before the cops — some of whom are sure to have turned.

“His father’s dead because of you,” the widow implores Bastien in French with English subtitles, or dubbed. “You OWE us this!”

That’s how the fighter on a motorcycle runs into the Marseilles native cop Kenza, whose hunch is “The Manchours have moved back in…taken over…neutralized their opposition” in one big massacre. She’s taking all this personally, and that’s what gets her suspended.

“This is police business,” she warns off Bastien.

“That’s not how this works,” he growls. “I’m COMING!”

So it’s a buddy picture, with two mismatched “partners” crashing the clubs — literally — and busting heads left and right as they chase down the missing kid.

The memorable bit here is that club fight. It’s a trendy, popular joint where a link to the missing kid needs to be questioned. And the bouncers in this Marseilles nightclub, dressed in matching white suits with dark open-collar shirts, put life and limb on the line to toss this mouthy, short cop and the He-Man she brought along as muscle. The fight starts and ends, and starts again. And again.

It’s Marseilles. Isn’t there better paying/less dangerous work with smugglers, drug gangs, dock gangs and human traffickers? Or are all those Around the World with Netflix action pix lying?

None of it makes any more sense than the damned sex/love interest shoehorned into the proceedings, or the “Let’s solve all our problems by killing the cops investigating us” climax.

Gane is a magnetic, WWE-sized presence, and Belaïdi is properly fiesty. The kid’s a wash and the villains mostly a generic ethnic mob. Writer-director Antoine Blossier’s narrative takes the time to torture one of the principals, The Andalou (Affif Ben Badra) without adequately building up the character into anybody we’re supposed to pay attention to.

The whole picture plays like that, struggling to squeeze in characters without character development, lost when it isn’t putting Gane through his paces in the sometimes over-the-top brawls.

Rating: TV-MA, graphic bloody, violence

Cast: Ciryl Gane, Alice Belaïdi, Maleaume Paquin, Anne Azoulay and Affif Ben Badra

Credits: Scripted by Antoine Blossier. A Neflix release.

Running time: 1:26

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Documentary Review: A Back to Nature prophet tries to pass on his piece of “Paradise”

Western North Carolina has long been a home to those out-of-step with mainstream culture looking for land to settle on, and in many cases, live communally.

When I covered the area for public radio stations and later newspapers, you could stumble into Love Valley and environs in the ’80s and find ’60s hippies holed-up, still living a Back to the Land ethos, some engaged in the business of building and selling hot air balloons.

It was a testing ground for everybody who had an idea of living naturally — underground, earth-covered houses and geodesic domes that needed little or no heat or AC, gardens on your roof and the like.

And over Burnsville way, mountain man/prophet Joe Hollis carried on his 50 years-and-counting “experiment” in growing and gathering nature’s bounty of healing and nourishing herbs in Mountain Garden, an oasis of simple, off-the-grid living in nature.

Hollis took on apprentices and followers whom he taught to identify and use the sea of plants — native and local, Chinese herbs and others — he could name on sight — ginseng and sansai, wild mountain ramps and wasabi.

Asheville filmmaker Garrett Martin spent six months with Hollis, then in his 80s and in failing health, to document what he’s been doing since the early ’70s and his efforts to pass on what he’s learned, what he believes and what he’s built to a new generation.

Martin follows Hollis through the forest’s extended garden, past cabins and yurts and circular hillside bungalows inspired by yurts, pointing out “the plant that killed Abraham Lincoln’s mother,” the ginseng and ramps and everything else in his internet-famous “paradise garden.”

We meet apprentices and acolytes, many of whom have settled there, who heard of of Hollis’s “experiment” in living off the land in “the garden where everything you need is there for the taking” and gravitated there.

“The plant wizard” was obessed with ensuring that his “experiment” continue, and that like-minded followers know about this place so that they can come to it, learn from him and his extensive library and perhaps settle there or find some other piece of rural “paradise” to try this themselves.

The film captures Hollis preparing for his own death like the philosopher he was, consulting not hospice workers but those well read in the Tibetan Book of the Dead, with his followers scrambling to rebuild the garden’s library and garden after a devastating fire from a few years earlier as a final living tribute to the man.

We meet his ex wife and his son, watch ducks waddle through the forest and creeks and see one slaughtered for a meal. But the overview of life there lacks much in the way of practical application — details on which herbs he’s cultivating, hunting down and turning into “tinctures” and the like for this or that “natural” cure or treatment for what ails you.

Martin gets at the man’s philosophy, his message that humanity is using up and destroying what Gaia, the Earth, has to offer when living in harmony with nature is becoming more necessary by the moment. It’s the pragmatic details — not just “How do you poop?” — but the power grid (Solar?), the diet, means of making the limited money you need there and the like that this brief, touching and sometimes poetic documentary lacks.

Rating: unrated

Cast: Joe Hollis

Credits: Garret Martin. A Gravitas Ventures release on Amazon.

Running time: 1:12

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Classic Film Review: Emma and Hugh and Kate and Rickman and Austen and Ang Lee, “Sense and Sensibility” (1995)

Watching any movie with Jane Austen ties inevitably sends me back to at least one of my favorites among the films and TV series based on her works. “Jane Austen Wrecked My Life” was no exception.

It wouldn’t be “Emma” in her best or second best version I’d drop in on. My favorite Austen adaptation, the glorious Amanda Root, Ciaran Hinds “Persuasion” (NOT the Netflix/Dakota Johnson abomination) isn’t readily available. And who has time to immerse oneself in the definitive “Pride and Prejudice,” the 1995 TV series that launched the Austen fad and Colin Firth mania, and became the defining role in the glorious Jennifer Ehle’s career?

Emma Thompson’s witty and emotional adaptation of “Sense and Sensibilty” followed TV’s “Pride” by a few months, and Ang Lee’s sumptuous film became the gold standard for putting Austen on the big screen in a single film and not a spare-no-detail mini-series.

Touching moments from this classic linger in the memory in this story of “limited prospects” and grand romantic longing in Napoleonic (Empire Era) England. Writer and star Thompson and Kate Winslet, launching herself with a career-making turn, will break your heart and not just once.

But watching it anew, I was bowled over not by the dreaming and dreams dashed Dashwood sisters, who still move and make us identify with their crushes, missteps and heartfelt desperation to “marry for love” and a tidy inheritance. It’s the men who try to measure up to them that impress the most.

If there was ever a more romantic entrance in a period piece than Alan Rickman, galloping into the frame as Col. Brandon, all dash and hidden heartbreak and flowing hair, I can’t recall it. Famous on film as Everyvillain at the time, thanks to “Die Hard” and the Costner “Robin Hood,” Rickman practically reinvents himself in this portrait of gentility, grand gestures and upper class virility.

His Col. Brandon makes a pointed contrast not just to the younger and more handsome John Willoughby, played by tall, dark and handsome Greg Wise, his rival for the love of young Marianne (Winslet). Thompson cast him as counterpart to the shrinking violet she talked her pal Hugh Grant into playing, Edward Ferrars, her character’s love interest.

Rickman’s Brandon is chivalrous, charismatic, smitten with Marianne and gallant enough to accept her interest in a younger suitor is the polar opposite of Grant’s Ferrars.

Brandon dominates the room, even when he’s not in it. Ferrars physically shrinks when he walks into the company of women or anybody else. Watch the way Grant carries himself, shoulders hunched in, slightly bent, self-effacing and modest to a fault.

Rickman’s Brandon looks like a safe suspect if one was casting about looking for The Scarlet Pimpernel, at his most manly when on horseback. Grant in the saddle reminds one of the crack Rowan Atkinson’s “Blackadder” makes in the period piece sitcom by Richard Curtis and Ben Elton. He rides “a horse rather less well than another horse would.”

The story is quintessential Austen. Three sisters (Thompson, Winslet and Myrian Henry Francois) and their widowed mother (Gemma Jones, terrific) are left in the lurch when their stepfather/husband (Tom Wilkinson) dies and legally, they’re left out of the will.

Their older half-brother (James Fleet) promised to look after them, but his greedy wife (Harriet Walter, perfectly vile) gradually talks him out of that charitable obligation.

If only Miss Elinor (Thompson) could meet a handsome heir who looks like Hugh Grant, but whose family won’t disown him for marrying “beneath” his station. If only younger sister Marianne’s (Winslet) head could be turned by someone rich and seemingly available like Willoughby/Wise.

If only their older, better off relatives (Elizabeth Spriggs and Robert Hardy) had stopped with the lovely gesture of taking the family in and providing them with a comfy cottage, instead of repeatedly embarrassing the girls by laying all their desperate-to-marry business out there to one and all.

The supporting characters provide the film’s comic relief, with stage veteran Spriggs an unsufferable, well-intentioned delight and Imogen Stubbs bringing Elinor’s rival for Ferrars, Lucy Steele, to dizzy, shallow insufferable light and Imelda Staunton and Hugh Laurie drawing blood as a chatterbox and her droll, muttering and insulting mate.

“Oh, if only this rain would stop!”

“If only YOU would stop.”

Thompson created Mr. Jennings as a character, made him a fine accomplice to Mrs. Jennings, and gave herself the film’s first zinger, on hearing her sister’s downcast piano playing in their house of mourning.

“Marianne, could you play something else? Mamma has been weeping since breakfast.

Grant has never been more charming, a shy suitor who indulges the family’s youngest daughter with role playing which he self-mocks when confessing what he’s doing to her sisters.

“She’s, eh, heading an expedition to China shortly. I am to go as her servant, but only on the understanding that I am to be very badly treated.”

Rickman is Thompson’s true match as a romantic lead, a man of action who sweeps into action when his moment arrives, and who cannot sit idly by waiting for a doctor to save his unrequited beloved, Marianne. Surely Elinor has some task he can fulfill while waiting.

“Give me an occupation, Miss Dashwood, or I shall run mad.”

“Sense and Sensibility” only collected one Oscar back in 1996, for Thompson’s adaptation of the Austen novel. When your competition is “Dead Man Walking,” “Leaving Las Vegas,” “The Usual Suspects” and “Braveheart,” that’s understandable.

But this sunny period piece has a timelessness that has outlived some members of its cast, and more than one renewal of the great ongoing Jane Austen fad. Thompson and Ang Lee made perhaps the definitive Austen film, more in touch with its times than “Emma,” more romantic than “Pride and Prejudice” (Elizabeth Bennett falls hard for Mr. Darcy AFTER she takes in his mansion and estate), more fun than “Persuasion” or most any Austen adaptation that has come since.

star

Rating: PG

Cast: Emma Thompson, Kate Winslet, Hugh Grant, Harriet Walter, Gemma Jones, James Fleet, Tom Wilkinson, Imelda Staunton, Greg Wise, Hugh Laurie, Imogen Stubbs and Alan Rickman.

Credits: Directed by Ang Lee, scripted by Emma Thompson, based on the novel by Jane Austen. A Columbia Pictures release on Apple TV+, Amazon, Hulu, other streamers

Running time: 2:16

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Netflixable? Hell hath no Fury like a Mother “Uninvited” to the Home of Her Daughter’s Killers

“Uninvited” is a Filipino revenge thriller, a slow but solid B-picture slicked up to pass for an A-feature.

Vilma Santos stars as a grieving mother who sets out to avenge a student-daughter “defiled” and murdered by a mob boss, a mobster with a lot of underlings who make such assaults possible.

Lilia has gotten herself invited to Boss Guilly’s (Aga Muhlach) birthday party. She passes herself off as the head of a foundation that flattered the mobster’s moll/wife (Mylene Dizon) with a donation to her favorite charity. But Lilia, stylishly dressed in black, has more than just mingling on her mind.

The father of another victim of Guilly’s murderous gang suggests she add his child to her “lawyer’s” brief of accusations.

“A lawyer won’t be necessary for my plan,” she says (in Tagalog, Spanish and English, with subtitles).

Fiftysomething Vilma tracks her progress with an interior monologue. Sometimes it’s for herself — “A good thing I don’t have my gun with me.” And sometimes she’s talking to her dead daughter Lily (Gabby Padilla). “Just four left, sweetie.”

Dodo Dayao’s script sets the story in the birthday party fictive present, with long flashbacks showing Lilia’s loss, her despair at her daughter’s seemingly random grabbed-from-the-street fate and the ways she plans for revenge.

Director Dan Villegas takes his sweet time getting around to those flashbacks and that plan. It’s a slow-pokey thriller that takes an hour of introductions — constantly changing points of view showing us the depravity of the “boss,” the venality of his lieutenants, his wife, his daughter (Nadine Lustre), a rival, a dirty cop and others — before the revenge and the “plan” come together.

No, it’s not wholly logical. But a little old lady — Santos is 70+ and thus a bit old to be playing the mother of a coed — with a big knife and a furious temper is still somebody to be reckoned with.

The avenger may pause for muttered condemnations and accusations, but once the killing starts this short thriller starts to play as intended — taut, mean and bloody.

The motivation isn’t new. The villain is generic. And the bloodshed isn’t particularly inventive. But running over a murderous accomplice, and then backing over him a couple of times, is always going to play as satisfying.

Rating: TV-MA, graphic violence including rape, drug abuse, profanity

Cast: Vilma Santos, Aga Muhlach, Nadine Lustre, Mylene Dizon,
RK Bagatsing, Ketchup Eusebio, Gio Alvarez, Cholo Barretto and Gabby Padilla.

Credits: Directed by Dan Villegas, scripted by Dodo Dayao. A Warner Bros./Netflix release.

Runnin time: 1:33

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BOX OFFICE: “Lilo & Stitch” bags one “Ballerina,” “Phoenician Scheme” cracks the Top Five

Seems to me Lionsgate has been hyping “Ballerina” for TWO Superbowl ad cycles now.

The trailers and TV commercials have been omnipresent forever.

They went above and beyond in their efforts to tie this into the “John Wick” universe of hit-men/hit-women and their ancient culture, code, bureaucracy and posh hotels, even burdening it with that “For those not paying attention” title (“From the World of John Wick: Ballerina”).

And it’s underperforming. By a lot. The biggest franchise Lionsgate has going won’t clear $25 with Ana de Armas in the lead. It won’t win its opening weekend, won’t open in the upper $40s and won’t do much more than give the “Lilo & Stitch” remake on its THIRD weekend of release a run for its money.

Deadline.com is wished “Ballerina” up to $30 million, but a solid if unimpressive Thursday night ($3.5) folded into an underwhelming Friday ($11 million Thursday/Friday) which told the tale — $25 million or so. Tops.

Family friendly (and cynically pointless) “Lilo & Stitch” will collect another $32.5 million from parents and grandparents taking out the tiny tykes.

R-rated action pictures losing to family fare isn’t a new thing. But this should have been a slam dunk. “Ballerina” s a middling movie, at best — stupid story riddled with cliches and scripted “convenient coincidences” built around the physics of de Armas brawling with legions of guys twice her size. And I’m not the only one saying so. As it’s been showing to paying customers since Wednesday night (AMC and other chains reward customers with “previews” of the preview), it could be that word of mouth on Ana de Armas as the Tiny Dancer Killer is sour.

“Mission: Impossible — The Final Reckoning” is marching towards the $150 million mark, domestically, tallying another $15 million this weekend. This repetitive franchise-finisher still owns most IMAX screens, which probably didn’t help “Ballerina” (that’s how I saw that one). Theater owners figure they owe Tom Cruise that.

The family oriented fight movie “Karate Kid: Legends” is falling off faily steeply its second weekend, maybe 60%, and should clear $8.7. It deserves to fall off. A lot.

In sixth place is the latest Wes Anderson comical curiosity, “The Phoenician Scheme.” It did bang up business in NYC and LA, and as expected, isn’t playing that well in the provinces. $6.25 million? That’s a third less than “Asteroid City” (which also underwhelmed) earned when it opened wide a couple of years back. Neither film is one of his best. Even fans have a limited tolerance for “twee” these days. God knows the only time I trot that word out (almost) is to describe his latest precious, production-designed-to-death curio. Reviews overall aren’t exactly ecstatic for this one.

Love the cast and I dig deadpan. Hanks and Cranston as brothers? Jeffrey Wright having a shout off with Mathieu Amelric? Riz Ahmed plays BASKETBALL? This one just didn’t quite play.

“Final Destination: Bloodlines” will edge “Phoenician” into fifth place, earning another $6.5.

“Bring Her Back” falls out of the top five with a $3.5 million take in seventh place.

A GKids anime film “Dan Da Dan: Evil Eye,” cracks the top ten with a $3 million take.

“Sinners” racked up another $2.9 million, pushing it over $272 million in North America.

And “Thunderbolts*” enjoys its last hours in the box office top ten with a $2.5 million weekend.

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Movie preview: A new “Toxic Avenger?” With Elijah Wood? Tell us more

Love the topical monster metal connection set up on this B movie action comedy remake.

A late August release, where naughty movies go stand on the corner at the end of the summer.

Mr. E. Wood is at long last ready to play Renfield, I dare say. Or Riff Raff in “Rocky Horror.”

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Movie Preview: Willem Dafoe is “The Man in My Basement”

Disney is planning on putting this Corey Hawkins/Dafoe horror tale in a few theaters before dropping it on Hulu.

Renting to Willem Dafoe seems like a rookie mistake. But cash money is cash money.

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Movie Review: A Twee Parable for the Age of the Oligarch — “The Phoenician Scheme”

When he’s “on,” Wes Anderson’s films are giddy, deadpan delights, sparkling with wit and touching in the vulnerable and comically absurd human foibles they celebrate.

But when he’s “off,” brace yourself for 100 minutes of production-designed preciousness, airless laughs that stop landing and strained attempts at “meaning” above and beyond all the “twee.”

The dry, allegorical period piece “The Phoenician Scheme” is on the same arid plane as “Asteroid City,” and a far cry from the droll, quirky peak Anderson achieved with “The Grand Budapest Hotel” or the romantic, eccentric nostalgia of “The Royal Tenenbaums.”

I thought he’d found his best destiny with the Roald Dahl shorts he packaged for Netflix under the title “The World of Henry Sugar and Three More.” And the cinema is a richer place whenever he turns his attention to stop-motion animations like “The Fantastic Mister Fox” and “Isle of Dogs.”

But “Phoenician” indulges his worst instincts, an over-populated — his repertory company is huge and getting moreso — dry and often dull bore, a waste of “names” and talent that feels starved of comic oxygen or inscrutable “meaning,” start to finish.

Fans of any chance to board the train or 1950 propeller plane trip to Wes Andersonland can always find moments and comic touches to relish. Star Benicio del Toro and Riz Ahmed as a Saudi prince play a game of basketball “HORSE” — “First to five wins.” — with Tom Hanks and Bryan Cranston in an unfinished train tunnel, with the hoop attached to the end of a rail car. Hilarously nonsensical shouting matches between shady financiers named “Marseilles Bob” (Mathieu Amalric) and Marty (Jeffrey Wright) tickle, as Wright has mastered Anderson rat-a-tat patter better than anyone. The latest hapless confessions of love from Michael Cera (his “brand”) to an inexpressive novitiate nun and heiress (Mia Threapleton), with Cera sporting a Norwegian accent, compensates for the abence of Anderson regular Jason Schwartzman in this latest collaboration between Anderson and Schwartzman’s cousin, Roman Coppola.

Naming his villainous hero Zsa Zsa Korda, riffing on a famous for being famous Hungarian American and an accomplished Anglo Hungarian British filmmaker of the ’40s, serving up Benedict Cumberbatch as a villain wearing Orson Welles’ eyebrow and forked beard from the cult classic “Mister Arkadin” are among the nods to the film buffs in Anderson’s fanbase.

It’s just that the cameos — F. Murray Abraham and Willem Dafoe as “angels” debating the anti-hero’s fate before “God” (Bill Murray) — and screwy bits don’t add up to much or much that amuses or enlightens this time out.

Korda (del Toro) is a shady 1950 developer/financier whom the world’s financial powers that be — seen plotting in a “war room” council headed by Rupert Friend — cannot seem to bring to heel. Korda survives plane crashes and other assassination attempts because he has to in order to pull off his biggest gamble ever.

The Phoenician Scheme is a massive Middle Eastern modernization that includes The Trans Desert Inland Waterway (canal), The Trans Basin Hydroelectric Embankment (a dam) and the almost-finished Trans-Mountain Locomotive Tunnel.

Korda, fretting over the infighting among his assorted financiers and others who want him dead, summons his deadpan daughter Liesl (Threapleton) from her convent to assume the role of heir to his empire.

He has nine sons he barely connects with — “I bought Jasper a crossbow.” — so the young woman who thinks he killed her mother — “They say you murdered all your wives.” — is to take over.

She will “pray on the matter,” and accompany him and his all-things-insectoid tutor (Cera) as Korda charms an Arab prince (Ahmed), wrangles with the Sacremento Consortium (Hanks and Cranston, California brothers named Reagan and Leland) and arm-twists Marseilles Bob (Amalric) and The Newark Syndicate (Wright) to see to it that his scheme bears fruit.

Those “Gaps” in Korda’s plans are literal — the rail lines don’t quite link up in the tunnel — and financial/metaphorical.

Charlotte Gainsbourg and Scarlett Johansson play women from Korda’s life. Every near death experience he survives has him envisioning angels (Abraham, Dafoe, etc) debating his fate in black and white, and every time he recovers, Korda peppers his offspring, employees and partners with worthless aphorisms, life advice that doesn’t really scan.

“Break, but don’t bend.” Don’t just buy art, “always buy masterpieces.” And “help yourself to a hand grenade.”

Every line is delivered with the same flat deadpan that’s been Anderson’s trademark since Gwyneth Paltrow and Bill Murray perfected it. Every setting — even the most austere ones — are designed and decorated to airless perfection.

Hope pops up whenever a Johansson or Richard Ayode makes an entrance (as a freedom fighter shooting up Marseilles Bob’s Casablanaca nightclub). But nothing much comes from the scores of cameos this time out.

There are chuckles here and there, but one gets the sense that this parable about an oligarch who might grow a heart — or get what he has coming to him — was about three drafts shy of a finished script. Or that Anderson and co-writer Coppola never had the nerve to tackle whatever it is that they were going for.

Like any fan, I’ll watch anything Anderson turns his attention to. But all the stars and star cameos, all the jaunty, classical music needle drops, all the del Toro drollery, the “lost boys” cadre of Korda kids and the Middle Eastern history hinted at in the “schemes” can’t paper over how flat and empty this “scheme” turns out to be.

Rating: PG-13, violence, nudity, smoking, “suggestive material”

Cast: Benicio del Toro, Mia Threapleton, Michael Cera, Jeffrey Wright, Riz Ahmed, Mathieu Amalric, Scarlett Johansson, Bryan Cranston, Richard Ayode, Willem Dafoe, Rupert Friend, Charlotte Gainsbourg, F. Murray Abraham, Bill Murray, Benedict Cumberbatch and Tom Hanks.

Credits: Directed by Wes Anderson, scripted by Wes Anderson and Roman Coppola. A Focus Features release.

Running time: 1:41

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Movie Review: Pull your punches, Tiny Dancer — “From the World of John Wick: Ballerina”

Lionsgate has spent a couple of years making damned sure we knew their “Ballerina” Ana de Armas action vehicle was a John Wick spinoff.

All those trailers and commercials, hyping this thing — that cumbersome to the point of desperate title — “From the World of John Wick: Ballerina.”

And after going to all that trouble to give Keanu Reeves a fitting sendoff to the company’s greatest franchise a couple of years back, they paid him a lot of money not to shave or get a haircut to come back to help prop it their “new” franchise.

They splurged on epic brawls and bloodbaths that have petite de Armas punching, shooting, stabbing, choking and grenading her character’s way out of jams, cutting through legions of evil “x” scarred assassins in throw-downs, gun battles and a literal “fire” fight.

Stunt coordinators Kyle Gardiner, Jeremy Marinas and Domonkos Párdányi and their vast team earned their Eastern European hazardous duty pay on this one.

But “The World of John Wick” hotels, “tribes,” murder contract infrastucture, “rules” and codes and lots of punchouts don’t really add up to much of a movie. The story’s a mess, the cliches and conventions of this “world of assassins” collide as our heroine keeps tumbling into vast, conveniently unprotected weapons stashes and villains three times her throw-weight who never figure out “Just SIT on her.” Not once.

“Ballerina” rigidly follows the four “John Wick” films formula — a great wrong is committed, vengeance much be obtained because you bad guys messed with the wrong assassin. To get that revenge the hero/heroine must break the rules and conventions of the International and Ancient Order of Assassins of which John Wick is the most infamous member.

He’s the guy his fellow union members fear, the “Baba Yaga,” a “witch” with almost supernatural abilities to dodge bullets, absorb beatings, mow-down legions of bad guys and still stick a champagne glass stem through a foe’s eyesocket as a coup de grace.

“Knives Out” and “Ghosted” veteran de Armas plays a young woman who grew up in a ballet school for bodyguards and killers. Russka Roma is run by a heartless Russian (Anjelica Huston) who makes little Eva dance until her feet bleed.

Then, it’s off to martial arts class and the shooting range, because “one bullet well placed can change the world.”

Eva wound up there because her first killing — at about age 7 — couldn’t save her father when an assassination “cult” headed by The Chancellor (Gabriel Byrne) shows up to kill him.

She learns her profession, and twelve years later, she’s on the job — protecting some clients, killing to fulfill contracts on others.

“All these rules,” she mutters to The Director (Huston) and the hotelier Winston (Ian McShane). “Who do they serve?”

When she sets out to track down Dad’s killers, who have “X” branded on their wrists, she winds up in a Bavarian Alpine village full of killers, we might find out what that tattoo on her back means. Alas, that’s a little off message, when it comes to her bloody and shadowy profession.

“Lux In Tenebris.”

“Underworld” veteran Len Wise directs this, a picture whose stunts and fights are impressive enough but whose performances and plot aren’t.

The great thing about the original “John Wick” was the dark humor. You steal a guy’s vintage Mustang and kill his little beagle? You’ve brought the WRATH of SATAN down upon us all!

There’s virtually no humor to “Ballerina” — “You broke my f—ing JAW!” “You’re still USING IT!” — and absolutely no heart.

We’re meant to swallow de Armas as a fiendish fighter who survives a string of stabbings (cauterizing is the new action heroine/hero self-surgery cure-all) and never seems to lose blood or muscle use because of it. Watching her head-butt anything more substantial than a cantaloupe is to laugh.

The idea of making this an “ancient” world means lots of work for actors longer in the tooth like McShane, Huston and the late Lance Reddick, still the concierge at the Hotel Intercontinental over two years after his death.

It also, in this film, gives us a villain who’s a bit creaky and gassed (Byrne). At least that almost makes us forget how bad a child actor is early on, and how unnatural Reeves’ line-readings remain well into his fifth decade in the movies.

Duuuude.

There are fight scene variations in this film that we have never seen the likes of. But hell’s bells, if you’ve sent John Wick off into the sunset, have the guts to not shoehorn him back into this movie with no logic to back up his presence here outside of the check you wrote Reeves to try and prop up a middling movie from the guy whose last big screen feature was a bad remake of “Total Recall.”

Rating: R, graphic, bloody violence and lots of it

Cast: Ana de Armas, Gabriel Byrne, Ian McShane, Catalina Sandino Moreno, Norman Reedus, Lance Reddick, Anjelica Huston and Keanu Reeves

Credits: Directed by Len Wiseman, scripted by Shay Hatten, based on characters and a “world” created by Derek Holstad. Lionsgate release.

Running time: 2:05

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