Movie Nation

Strike while the iron is hot, jefe.

Netflix has this project, which looks cute enough.

“Diets” have been around since the 16th century, but the tie-in to fitness is a more recent phenomenon. In the UK, “fit” became shorthand some years back for someone thin, not heavy, a euphemism for skinny and thus attractive.

That in turned has spawned a smart and sympathetic push-back documentary, “The Body Fights Back,” a film that looks at body dysphoria, body type biases and the ways they’ve worked themselves into the culture and even into medicine.

The cleverest thing about Marian Vosumets’ film is how it pricks the viewer’s prejudices as it introduces us to an assortment of British folk with all-too-typical relationships with food and potentially unhealthy attitudes about body image.

The people we glance at and see “Well, she’s thin” or “She used to be fat and isn’t” or “He’s so fit he’s a walking muscle” aren’t the healthiest folks Vosumets interviews on camera. We learn that this self-described “big” woman is a TV spokesmodel and that “thin” woman has a nearly wrecked body or has been hospitalized with eating disorders.

And that Rory fellow who consumes calories for bulk and muscle building? He’s prone to “last supper” bingeing and gorging. I learned a new word. “Bigorexia” is a catchier way of saying “muscle dysmorphia,” something young men fall into — obsessive working out and dieting to build that “perfect” body.

We hear from experts such as a psychotherapist, a surgeon, a body image researcher, nutritionists and others who talk about the dieting-industrial complex, media image normalizing of standards of beauty and the class divide in terms of the quality of food people can afford to consume.

“You want us to be healthy,” cracks plus-sized model and influencer Mojo, then “why isn’t everything organic?”

An expert opines that “What started out as…let’s just take better care of ourselves really quickly turned into something horribly destructive.”

It’s unsettling hearing healthy, middle class people talk about living in “malnourished panic,” following Rory as he rock climbs, lifts weights and consumes seven tiny meals a day, how he’s made “a religion out of counting calories.”

The film’s shortcoming is brushing past all the “healthy” counter-arguments often shouted-down as “fat shaming” today, the epidemic levels of early onset heart disease, diabetes etc. No, it’s not your job to comment on somebody’s weight and appoint yourself the diet police in pursuit of some unnatural “norm.” But nobody should fool themselves about the risks, lifestyle and lifespan limitations associated with excessive weight either.

Tenisha, a native of Dominica, recalls the culture shock of of moving from the Caribbean, where “the thicker you are, the more celebrated you are,” to an island where “thin is in” has been the rule since Twiggy.

“The Body Fights Back” gets at the psychology of “food as a friend I could turn to that would make me happy,” lets us hear repeatedly from a weeping, guilt-ridden parent who now understands and acknowledges her part in her daughter’s anorexia, and sees people moving on with life with a more positive body images that give their stressed systems a break.

Kind of makes you wonder who “The Biggest Loser” really is.

MPA Rating: unrated, near nudity, profanity

Cast: Mojo, Hannah, Rory, Tenisha, Imogen, Michaela

Credits: Scripted and directed by Marian Vosumets. A Gravitas Ventures release.

Running time: 1:46

There are EIGHT credited screenwriters for “Major Grom: Plague Doctor.” You know what they call that in Mother Russia and its satellite state of Kentucky?

SOCIALISM.

Imagine a “Batman” in which Alfred the Butler is the real caped “crusader,” a masked vigilante fighting the injustice of a corrupt city. Tell that creep’s story from the point of view of the rebel cop, Major Grom, hunting this “villain/hero,” a gadget-loving goon who calls himself “The Plague Doctor,” and you’ve got this two hour and twenty minute goulash of an action comedy.

It’s not credited as a comic book on the disastrously-redesigned IMdb, and I didn’t see Netflix acknowledge that either. But it is. You can tell, and not just from the title, which ineptly suggests the titular “hero” is both Major Grom AND the Plague Doctor.

No. Major Grom is the recurring character and hero. The Plague Doctor is his latest toughest foe. Better translation of title? “Major Grom vs. The Plague Doctor.”

It’s an over-the-top bore about an over-the-top /no-rules cop (Tikhon Zhiznevskiy) who chases down clown-masked bank robbers on foot — they’re in a van, spilling rubles all over St. Petersburg. He almost dies — we think he has — in that opening caper. But inside the coffin or out, he’s got a job to do.

Because SOMEbody is killing off Russia’s legions of unreachable, politically-protected villains — a callously drunken son of an oligarch, a fatcat polluter, rich and corrupt this, rich and venal that. Yes, to the West, THAT guy sounds like the hero.

The Plague Doctor (Dmitriy Chebotarev) posts his executions online on this new, free-speech and privacy-protecting social media site. The twist? He’s the deranged, self-righteous underling of the tech genius (Sergei Goroshko) who founded that social media network. And tech mogul is threatened into silence by that murderous, vigilante underling.

Major Grom has to fend off firing threats by his commissar-sized boss (Aleksey Maklakov), the clinging “trainee” (Alexander Seteykin) who insists “We’re PARTNERS,” and the social justice warrior and rebel online reporter Yulia (Lyubov Aksyonova) whose scoops are making the inept, trigger-happy cops look bad.

The funniest bits are in the police station itself, a milieu where factoids like “one in five people in detention are here by mistake” and one suspect complains (in Russian with English subtitles, or dubbed, “Seriously officer, we don’t go to jail for domestic violence in Russia!”

Hilarious.

The script is otherwise just nonsense-in-motion. The set-pieces are noisy, messy deployments of Bugs Bunny Physics that aren’t the most exciting or visually coherent chases/fights I’ve ever seen. The best of those is a clever montage of Grom kicking down doors all over town in an “I need INFORMATION” fury.

“Who ARE you, a superhero?”

No, just a comic book one. And afairky bland one at that. He is Riggs in “Lethal Weapon” with a cute cap and no edge. None.

In abler hands, this vigilante “Doc” could have been that rarest of creatures, the villain with a sympathetic point of view. Magneto in Russian, avenging himself on a kleptocracy and the Gremlin in the Kremlin who rules it.

But no. Again, eight screenwriters, plus the actor weighing in.

Perhaps the Russians should stick to that which their cinema is famous for — brooding romances, laments for the long lost glories of communism, and fake viral videos. This comic book adaptation thing evades them.

MPA Rating: TV-14

Cast: Tikhon Zhiznevskiy, Alexander Seteykin, Sergei Goroshko, Aleksey Maklakov and Dmitriy Chebotarev

Credits: Directed by Oleg Trofim, script by Vladimir Besedin, Evgeny Eronin, Artyom Gabrelyanov, Aleksandr Kim, Roman Kotkov, Nikolay Titov, Oleg Trofim and Valentina Tronova. A Netflix release.

Running time: 2:16

A bucket list inheritance comedy with a twist? July 30.

Dolled up and dead? July 23 this one hits theaters etc.

A September release about a multi million dollar coupon scam.

This hits Apple TV+ in late August.

Interesting choice for JGL.

“Downeast” is an indie thriller so simple as to be elemental.

It’s about a small town under the thumb of a local gangster, a crime long-ago covered-up and heroin headed for Boston’s rough and ever-so-Italian “North End.” The setting, the frosty lobster port of Long Island, Maine, just gives it a lived-in feel.

The Long Island depicted in the movie is a place “the young people” flee, so that there’s nothing left but lobstermen and the waterfront bars where they drink the chill off.

The first man we meet is the guy who “runs” this place. “Every town is built on bad decisions,” Kerrigan (Judson Mills, a “Walker, Texas Ranger” survivor) narrates. “And I built this town, brick by brick.”

He sees himself as being the lifeblood on Long Island, bringing in money, controlling not only the street trade but the trans-shipment of drugs down to Boston.

Tommy (Greg Finley) might’ve been a contender, once upon a time. He doesn’t box anymore. He works his dad’s boat, the Wild Irish Rose. And he pours the old drunk (Gareth Williams) into his pickup after every night’s beer-and-many-many “bumps.”

His old crush, Emma (Dylan Silver) is back in town. But their history isn’t a happy one. He’s just one of many locals who “didn’t talk” when her brother died, years before. And now, as he’s finding wrapped packages of drugs in his father’s lobster traps and facing new questions from Emma about what happened to Mikey, past and present are about to hit him all at once.

Finley, of “Blackjack: The Jackie Ryan Story,” came up with the story for “Downeast.” He plays a character pressed from all sides, the guy who hears or overhears every pithy line various bad guys mutter.

“Sometimes a man’s gotta do what he doesn’t want to do.”

Mills has the chewiest part, with writer-director Joe Raffa (“Dark Harbor”) stashing him away for use in scenes where he has the most impact, unloading almost every quotable line on Kerrigan.

“You can shear a sheep many times, you can only skin it once,” he counsels his minions, who need to keep their supplies of drugs and anxious customers alive to keep consuming them.

The biggest problem with being the big fish in this very small pond? “There’s always a bigger fish” in the bigger pond nearby.

The story clips along, never feeling rushed, never letting its over-familiar elements overwhelm its chief virtue, that setting described in the title — Downeast.

The resolution is entirely too pat, the romantic complications more detailed than you’d expect or that seems absolutely necessary. But if you like your thrillers compact and geographically distinct, “Downeast” delivers the goods.

MPA Rating: unrated, graphic violence, drug content, profanity.

Cast: Greg Finley, Dylan Silver, Judson Mills, Gareth Williams, Joss Glennie-Smith, Joe Holt and Kirk Fox

Credits: Scripted and directed by Joe Raffa. An APS release.

Running time: 1:29

A24 picked this up, it played at Cannes, and looks wonderful — an expansion of Kilmer’s recent breezy autobiography.

“Secret Magic Control Agency” is an animated comedy that works up its own “wizarding world” for a fanciful spin on alternate lives for fairytale siblings Hansel and Gretel.

The animation is polished 3D/CG, with tactile, pliable plastic-looking humans and dogs, candy and cookie characters and settings and a candy-coated color palette.

Laughs? Not really. It’s aimed at very young children, so “cute” is about as far as it goes. But as time-killers go, it’s harmless.

Gretel (voiced by Sylvana Joyce), is a top agent with the titular agency, an organization that licenses and monitors all the magicians, potions and “tricks” in the kingdom. She’s the one Agent Stepmother (Georgette Reilly) puts on the case when the pastry-loving king (Marc Thompson) is kidnapped.

But Gretel can’t find him and the magician who kidnapped him with “black magic” on her own. Agent Stepmother decrees that she arrest and work with her wayward “charlatan” brother, Hansel (Nicholas Courtney Shaw).

They set off, bickering like siblings, in search of clues. There is an…accident, in a potion storage facility. Their job gets tougher because they’ve reverted to childhood.

The crone in the woods Baba Yaga (Mary O’Brady) who was nearly their downfall in the “traditional” version of the fairytale must be questioned. If they can avoid her stock pot.

“Kids, pretty plump and TASTY.”

But if they work together, maybe the evil Ilvira or Elvira (Erica Schroeder) will be foiled and the king will make it back to the palace in time for his sugar rush birthday.

Talking cupcakes, gingerbread soldiers, candy cane pillars and icing icing everywhere make up the design. There’s a gadget guru who offers the team magical classes and “anti-stray” pebbles (stones that light up and keep you from losing your way back home).

Inside gags include that potions room, a repository of “real magic” where the Sword in the Stone and Aladdin’s lamp are kept under lock and key. “Transformations” pop up here and there as the story meanders about, adding characters and critters and middling set pieces.

The most “adult” joke is a “don’t forget to rate your rideshare.”

“Harmless” is what you hope for in a 6-and-under cartoon, and this one passes that test — the characters (if not the voice cast) are a moderately diverse lot.

The animation isn’t on a par with the Big Leagues, nor is the story or the passable-but-nothing-extra voice acting. It’ll play as dull to all but the youngest, least discrimination viewers.

If you need a Netflix babysitter, that’s about all “Secret Magic Control Agency” is good for.

MPA Rating: TV-Y7

Cast: The voices of Sylvana Joyce, Nicholas Courtney Shaw, Alyson Leigh Rosenfeld, Bella Hudson, and Marc Thompson.

Credits: Directed by Aleksey Tsitsilin, script by Analisa LaBianco and Vladimir Nikolaev. A Wizarts production for Netflix.

Running time: 1:45