Movie Preview: A low-budget multiverse thriller, “The Alternate”

A “portal” is discovered, a different perhaps “best life” is discovered? But first, let’s kill the guy who’s living it.

Sept. 6.

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Movie Review: Kids find Superhero Dad’s “Secret Headquarters”

A little “Shazam,” a bit of “Spy Kids,” a hint of “Agent Cody Banks,” there’s barely an original thought in “Secret Headquarters.” Not that the kiddie audience this Paramount+ production is intended for will care, or even recognize that.

It’s a violent, noisy, slangy and pricey superhero movie that’s for fankids, not fanboys or fangirls or the lactose intolerant. Talk about cheesy.

Owen Wilson plays a guy who stumbles into a “UAP (Unidentified Aerial Phenomena)” crash site, and after asking an Air Force pilot who collided with it, “What, UFO wasn’t working for you guys?” is “chosen” to receive alien “guardian” technology.

He’s fitted for the suit and the gadgets and zips around the globe, saving hostages, stopping meltdowns and preventing wars.

But this bothers a lot of people. First, there’s the pilot (Jesse Williams) whom no one believes saw a UFO and who wasn’t chosen. Then, there’s the defense-contractor (Michael Peña) who wants the tech. And last and least comes Charlie (Walker Scobell), the son Jack Kincaid neglects for the next eight years as he’s out saving the planet.

“I thought he worked at a Genius bar!”

“Secret Headquarters” is what middle school Charlie and the pals (Momona Tamada, Kezii Curtis, Keith L. Williams and Abby James Witherspoon) stumble into when now-divorced Dad, who’s told the kid nothing, leaves Charlie home alone.

The bad guys come hunting for the tech, the kids have to fight them off, bickering and joking along the way. Guns are fired, minions die. A school dance is trashed.

The crack team behind the camera here have a “Paranormal Activity” sequel and a Netflix superpower movie nobody remembers (“Project Power”) on their resumes, and no feel at all for tween-to-teen entertainment.

“We’re not KIDS. We’re YOUNG ADULTS.”

The jokes are mostly telegraphed and fall flat, especially the ones about kids-a-“that age.”

“I know I look really mature, but I’m just now getting comfortable in my own skin!”

At least “I’m too PRETTY to die!” plays.

Superhero movie or not, that tweenage audience is tricky to target, so there’s no shame in missing it. But miss it they did.

Leaving the funniest player in the cast out of most of the picture? That’s just dumb.

Rating: Rated PG for violence, action, language and some rude humor.

Cast: Owen Wilson, Jesse Williams, Walker Scobell, Momona Tamada, Kezii Curtis, Keith L. Williams, Abby James Witherspoon and Michael Peña.

Credits: Directed by Henry Joost and Ariel Schulman, scripted by Josh Koenigsberg, Ariel Schulman, Henry Jost and Christopher L. Yost. A Paramount+ release.

Running time: 1:44

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Movie Preview: A Bronte Biopic slated for Oct. — “Emily”

Emma Markey, last seen in “Death on the Nile” and on Netflix’s “Sex Education,” has the title role in this grey skies and gloom look at the author of “Wuthering Heights.”

October 14, from Warner Bros.

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Movie Preview: A gay romantic drama from Brazil– “Private Desert”

Dreamy looking, isn’t it?

Aug. 26 from Kino Lorber.

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Movie Preview: Poverty Row Poe, an Indie Edgar Allan bio — “Raven’s Hollow”

I don’t recognize any actors in this low budget look at the early military age life of Edgar Allan Poe.

Love the tone and the vibe it gives off. It’s on Shudder. I am headed there shortly.

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Movie Preview: Another taste of “The Harbinger”

Coming Sept. 2, to theaters and streaming.

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Movie Review: An Indian Village goes French New Wave, “Adieu, Godard”

“A ‘film,'” the old joke goes, “is a ‘movie’ we don’t quite understand.” And if you’re not a little confused when you’re watching a film by French avante garde/Nouvelle Vague (New Wave) director Jean-Luc Godard, you’re probably not getting it.

That’s the thesis of the Indian comedy “Adieu Godard,” a quirky and quaint tale of village provincialism, porn and “pure cinema” in the style of the French master, Jean-Luc Godard. Amartya Bhattacharyya’s homage is about what happens when a porn-addicted old man (Choudhury Bikash) has his eyes opened when he rents Godard’s New Wave masterpiece “Breathless” by mistake.

As his daughter (Sudhasri Madhusmita) tells the tale to a pretentious young big city filmmaker (Abhishek Giri) years later, her father Ananda “didn’t even understand the subtitles.” But something about Godard’s technique rattles Ananda and so touches him that before we know it, he’s planning a Godard film festival so that his fellow rural porn and Bollywood addicts can have their tastes and minds changed, too.

Ananda was seemingly content to bicker over his accounts at the store that rents him dirty DVDs and invite three equally pervy pals over (Choudhury Jayaprakash Das, Swastik Choudhury and Shankar Basu Mallik) to leer at and literally drool over the “American” or “Japanese” actors going at it in these sexcapades.

It’s a “men’s only” activity, even though daughter Shilpa (Madhusmita), then a student, could hear, as could his sad and sighing wife (Shwetapadma Satpathy). Ananda is puzzled about why his wife could be depressed.

“All wives are depressed,” the doctor reassures him.

But everything changes when the store, fearing a crackdown, drops the porn and passes on “Breathless.” And despite the noisy commentary by his porn pals — “Twenty minutes in, and NO action…Clothes ON…Is it a film? No song, no dance, no fight, no romance, and it’s a film?” — Ananda is changed.

He wants to learn English from his daughter, so that he can read the subtitles. And he wants to see every Godard film he can get his hands on. Once he acquires five DVDs, that can only mean one thing. “This village needs a (Godard) film festival!”

“Adieu Godard” is in Origay with subtitles, with some scenes in English. It finds its laughs in pithy village exchanges — “My wife is sick.” “EVERY man says so!” — in sight gags and in the incongruous notion of a generally experimental, narrative-defying French filmmaker finding a fan in BFE, India.

Ananda’s friends aren’t sure the locals are “ready” for Godard. They have enough trouble figuring out what to shout over the PA system they strap to a bike to ride around advertising the festival.

“Listen listen listen,” they shout. “Foreign films…all heroes, all heroines, all villains are FOREIGNERS…revealing costumes, FAIR skin!”

Ananda insists “there are no heroes, heroines or villains” in Godard films, “only characters.” He’s getting nowhere with that argument.

Writer-director Bhattacharyya toys with Godard touches by having daughter Shilpa abruptly start narrating this story to her filmmaker beau just before the half-hour mark. The “past” scenes are in black and white, the modern ones in color. The “dirty” sexuality of the porn is contrasted with the porn addicts and “Adieu Godard” being positively prim and very India 1999 (cutting away to avoid showing a kiss). That kiss becomes a village scandal.

Later, there’s a frank (by Indian standards) “virgin/condoms” sex conversation between the modern day couple as they discuss the story of the village that hosted a Godard film festival and try to turn everyone in that story into “characters” suitable for a movie.

It’s very self-conscious and gets very meta and kind of arty. But if “Adieu Godard” rarely achieves laugh-out-loud chuckles, scene after scene finds grins, giggles and bits of comical outrage.

And if Bhattacharyya’s film lacks a linear narrative and a more conventionally joking tone, well that’s just so Godard of him.

Rating: unrated, sexuality, profanity, off-camera violence

Cast: Choudhury Bikash, Sudhasri Madhusmita, Dipanwit Dashmohapatra, Abhishek Giri, Swastik Choudhury and Shankar Basu Mallik

Credits: Scripted and directed by Amartya Bhattacharyya. A Film Movement release.

Running time: 1:22

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Movie preview: Oscar winner Marisa Tomei stars in “Delia’s Gone”

Stephen James, Travis Fimmel and Paul Walter Hauser also star in this convict in search of justice for his sister tale.

August 19.

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Movie Review: No Lie, “Lie Hard” is excruciatingly bad

“Lie Hard” is a time-wasting “comedy” about a dope who lies himself into an “out of your league” girlfriend, who lies himself into a mansion to keep her, gets in Dutch with the mob to get the mansion and lies his way right out of the job he had that would have never covered his mob “mortgage” anyway.

Strong-armed by mob, lying to the cops when they get involved, he isn’t even wholly honest to the two random “whippet” junkies — the saddest junkies of all — who might help him find “treasure” in this mansion he can’t afford.

Director, co-writer and star Ian Niles is not a graceful actor, not funny and lacks screen presence to boot. He’s a stumble-footed director and apparently doesn’t know anybody who could have fixed this leaden, utterly inept screenplay or turned into anything remotely amusing.

It’s damned near unwatchable.

Scene after excruciating scene unfolds, unravels or just plain bleeds out, right before our ever-sleepier eyes.

The plot is that this seriously charmless serial liar gets himself into all this trouble by over-reaching, and thus faces threats, kidnapping, and death — his or those he loves.

Not a second of it is polished or engaging enough to hold one’s interest or make one invest in any of it, or any one in it.

Not everybody in this is incompetent, but there isn’t a funny line in it, not a “funny” scene that finds its heart, its laughs or a coherent way to end. Not one.

And before “Lie Hard” director, co-writer and star Ian Niles whines “What’d I ever do to you?” I’m going to go first. Dude, what’d I ever to do you?

Rating: unrated, profanity

Cast: Ian Niles, Melanie Chandra, Catherine Curtin, Chris Jarell, Joel Marsh Garland and Sid O’Connell

Credits: Directed by Ian Niles, scripted by Ian Niles and Harrison Feuer. A Mutiny release.

Running time: 1:30

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Movie Review: “Bodies Bodies Bodies” gives the people what they want

On the sliding scale of “house party that turns to murder mystery” films, “Bodies Bodies Bodies” falls on the “Ready or Not” end of the spectrum, with “Knives Out” on the other.

It’s glib, topical, jokey and bloody, and as the headline says, it “gives the people what they want.”

Long lesbian make-out scene opener? Check. The young, the beautiful and the affluent wantonly misbehaving with drugs, casual hook-ups and unsafe glow necklaces? Check. Topical jokes mocking “triggers” that “ableist” “self-actualizers” carelessly fling at each other, because it’s the “woke” thing to do?

Oh, check.

Pete Davidson leaning into being “the most obnoxious of all” and gruesomely murdered early in the first act?

Check and check again.

Shockingly, it isn’t only comic book franchises that can pander to their “base” and have a little fun with it as they do.

Dutch actress turned director Halina Reijn (“Instinct”) and first-time screenwriter Sarah DeLappe fling a lot of sex appeal and cultural currency at Agatha Christie’s “Ten Little Indians” plot, itself a variation of works by genre-inventor Edgar Allan Poe. It’s a dark, hit-or-miss one-by-one mass murder comedy that caters to Gen Z and backhands it — hard — at the same time.

What fun!

The setup? A bunch of rich, aimless youth gather at the country estate of insecure, defensive David’s (Davidson) rich dad for a hurricane party.

For those of you not from the Southeast, the ethos of such benders is “As long as you’re gonna get blown away, you might as well get blown away.”

The roomy mansion is a fine gathering place for David, his longline actress-girlfriend Emma (Chase Sui Wonders), sister (I think) Alice (Rachel Sennott), her new beau, the much older “vet” Greg (Lee Pace), Jordan (Myha’la Herrold) and Jordan’s ex, Sophie (Amandla Stenberg) and Sophie’s shy, exotic new foreign-born inamorata, Bee (Maria Bakalova).

And what better time, with the power about to go out, a well-stocked bar and David’s easy access to Bolivian marching powder, for these idle richies to play their favorite game, “Bodies Bodies Bodies.”

Sure, Sophie’s post-rehab and “clean,” and the game — as they play it — begins with Slap Shots.

And as the ever-dramatic Emma reminds everyone, “Someone always ends up crying” by the end of this pick-a murder victim, with everyone else trying to guess who the killer is game.

Characters are sketched in — the over-the-top enthusiast Alice, her “cut” man-of-the-world lover, bitchy, intimidated David, dramatic Emma, feisty Jordan, who puts the moves on Bee and gets into cocky, womanizing Sophie’s head, with the shy, out-of-her-class Bee taking it all in.

The winds howl, the lights flicker, the “game” begins and then it all turns deadly serious.

Sennott, whose breakout turn was as the uninhibited sexpot “Shiva Baby,” pops off the screen here as well, making Alice a stunningly shallow rich ditz — of course she has a podcast — who is down for almost anything except deep thought. Sennott just kills it.

Pace plays the life life-of-the-party/man of the world Greg as someone who seems to have all the manly traits David never will — physical fitness, for starters.

Wonders affects an actressy air that serves her well in the game, but this is no ordinary game. And drugs and alcohol are the ultimate truth serum for how everybody feels about Emma.

“OK, not to be mean, but she wasn’t THAT good in ‘Hedda Gabler!'”

Stenberg (“Everything Everything,” “The Hate U Give”) does the fierce and fiery thing almost as well as Herrold (TV’s “Industry”).

Bakalova, an Oscar nominee for the “Borat” sequel, is good at giving us the mousy one everybody underestimates.

And Davidson may be the best working model of Russell Brand’s career experiment (something he up-front admitted in an interview with me), playing “the same character” over and over again, just a slight variation of his public persona. Davidson “acts” his “image,” the oversexed “vibe I put out there” that David brags about in “Bodies.” When we meet him, he’s blank-faced sporting a nasty black eye with pride. Drugs? On brand, too.

And if there’s one thing he mastered during his Kardashian sojourn, it’s that there’s value in being the object of scorn, the guy everybody wants to see “get it first.”

The unfolding plot makes just enough sense to get by, but that might be because it’s so predictable we can pretty much guess who dies and “in order of disappearance.”

It might be a tad too on the nose for the generation it’s poking fun at for Gen Z to take to it. The “types” here are broadly drawn and almost to a one, insulting. I kept thinking of “The Blair Witch Project” and its amusing “how incompetent these kids are in the woods” subtext.

A hurricane’s coming, and these seven are not concerned about the pool umbrellas they leave open outside, all the exposed windows and making lots of alcohol — and a case of bottled water for the seven of them — their “hurricane prep.” This or that character is fleeing someone they fear might be the murderer, and doing it by cellphone light in pitch black rooms, or wearing a glow necklace that will give away the game that’s no longer a game.

The battery dies on their escape vehicle, an SUV, but it’s not so dead that Sophie can’t rage-honk the horn for a minute or two. OK, that boner’s on the director.

Reijn shoots some splendid chases and life-and-death fights as seen by the waving, wobbling lights of cell phones, and the plot is tricky enough that even if we can guess where it’s going, we can’t really grasp how it began until we hit the finale.

That, and a whole lot of “giving the people what they want” keeps rigor mortis at bay in “Bodies Bodies Bodies.”

Rating: R for violence, bloody images, drug use, sexual references and pervasive language.

Cast: Amandla Stenberg, Maria Bakalova, Rachel Sennott, Chase Sui Wonders, Lee Pace, Myha’la Herrold and Pete Davidson

Credits: Directed by Halina Reijn, scripted by
Sarah DeLappe. An A24 release.

Running time: 1:35

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