Movie Review: “Tony” Bourdain Comes of Age in a Kitchen Bildunsroman

Anybody who’s ever done restaurant work knows that you grow up fast in a kitchen.

The speed and urgency, the pressure cooker of it all — people thrown together in hot, confined spaces, trying to work in concert with each other without injuring themselves or each other or poisoning the customers, it’s a bubble life out of time, where the hundred deadlines a day can dictate your life’s path — who you sleep with and what pharmaceutical compromises you make just to make it from prep to closing time.

Anthony Bourdain knew this world better than most. He lived in it and then wrote about it, first with his blockbuster tell-all “Kitchen Confidential,” and then in the decades of TV food and travel shows that spun out of that culinary success.

He stressed respect for those “honored” to do this work — feeding the public — all through his writing and public pronouncements. And despite his carefully cultivated hipster/traveller/chef image, he’d let slip the cost of this grueling lifestyle while playing up the commitment it takes to thrive in it.

“Tony” is a thoroughly entertaining biography of the bookish dishwasher who became a chef, a man and a man of letters. Everything fans came to love about him is here — dashing Leonard Cohen look-alike, a world-weary traveller, sucking down another smoke, voice-over narrating with wit and an ear for old film noir style in the gravelly voice and performative cool of hosting exotic travel programs.

Matt Johnson, who made the equally entertaining and just as conventional “Blackberry” movie, takes us back to the mid ’70s, when a mop-topped, entitled poseur who loved calling himself a “writer” first struck a pose and came of age. This college kid talked the talk and lied the lies — all great writers are liars and “unreliable narrators” — and dropped literary names and the German word “bildungsroman” to describe what he planned to write and what he — by accident — actually wrote.

He was “coming of age” in his teens. But he really grew up when he had the life experience to “write what you know.” And what he knew was cooking and kitchens and Michelin stars and great food the world over.

We meet the upper middle class Jersey kid with Bruce Lee and New York Dolls posters in his room — and a very big globe at the foot of his bed — just as he’s throwing “I’m a writer, now” around and telling one and all he’s got this writing fellowship at Vassar in the bag.

The globe? That helps him “imagine” fantastical places “I’ll probably never” visit.

Dominic Sessa of “The Holdovers” and “Now You See Me, Now You Don’t” gets the awkwardness that 19 year old Tony Bourdain — “Only my mother calls me ‘Anthony.'” — figures his new status allows him to shake. That cute upperclasswoman (Emilia Jones) he had a crush on in high school? He comes right up to her in an approach both brazen and delusional.

He’s got nunchucks shoved down his pants, for Pete’s sake.

But maybe he’ll make some headway with her in the fall, at Vassar. Because he’s a writer destined for great things. And when he doesn’t get that fellowship? He lies to his family (Dagmara Dominczykm plays his bookish, hard-to-please mother and Leo Woodall of “Mad Men” is his dad). And he sets out to Provincetown on Cape Cod, because that’s where the fair Nancy will be spending her summer.

Seeing her in the arms of a cook at the pizza joint that’s her summer job sends him on a loutish, beer-fueled bender. And that’s how he ends up under the care of this demanding Portugeuse chef at The Flagship seafood house.

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Movie Review: A Buddy Comedy with “Idiots”

“Idiots” is a buddy comedy with raunchy promise, funny players and no pace. I mean NONE.

If this was “Midnight Run,” which it resembles, it’d be “Midnight Stroll.” If it was “The Last Detail,” which also figures in its plotting, they’d have to title it “The Next to Last Detail, The Last Detail, And Then Some.”

Pairing up Dave Franco and O’Shea Jackson, Jr. — Ice Cube’s kid — as two losers who take on transporting a sociopathic, substance abusing rich kid to “rehab” pays some dividends, even if Jackson could use some “testy/funny straight man” lessons from his dad, a buddy picture veteran.

But scenes, even the ones with comic shock value, drift on past their payoff. And some don’t pay off at all. Many a comedy has gotten by on “hit and miss,” but this one whiffs a few too many times to delight.

Davis (Jackson) is a church going goof given to weeping. That happens when his pastor calls him to account for driving a church youth group to a porn film. It happens when that pastor (Killer Mike) fires him. Son, what did you think “NR, not rated” meant?

Mark (Franco, James Franco’s goofier brother) got canned from a call center job for giggling, drinking, smoking and goofing-off watching painful prank videos on his phone when he was supposed to be selling senior citizens things they don’t need.

Shady boss of many hustles Mrs. Dorindo (Grace Junot) hires Mark because he has a car and Davis has lost access to the church van he was going to use to haul often unwilling patients whom family members or guardians are committing to rehab.

Sure, the car’s an aged Buick Century with almost as much Bondo as paint showing. But it’ll get them there. With luck.

Sure, Mark spent the afternoon he got fired on a drug buying/abusing bender himself. But this is just “a frightened and confused child,” Davis wants to believe they’re transporting. What could go wrong?

Mason Thames of the “Black Phone” thrillers is well-cast as Sheridan — “Sherry” to his online fans — an heir with an air of sullen entitlement and a teen so out of control his parents have their attorney (Lee Eddy) commit him rather than evict him from their mansion themselves.

Sheridan’s an influencer in all the worst ways — social media-shared binges, stunts that hurt others. And being moptopped, rich, thin and pale white, he’s catnip to the teen and tween girls who follow him online.

He’s also a master manipulator, getting in his drivers’ heads, “dosing” one who isn’t already down to dose, foiling their plans to drive him across Virginia to a place where he can “get some help.”

Kiernan Shipka plays an Eastern European “private dancer” lured to a motel they check into. She’ll need her wizened granny’s (Lynn Wanlass) intervention to get out of this. Najah Bradley and Nicholas Braun are wacky psychopaths led by mastermind Koko (Peter Dinklage) into “intervening” in Sherry’s delivery to rehab.

There ae a lot of promising or potentially promising characters and situations thrown in this comic quest’s path. But the narrative has a stumbling, lurching quality that interrupts the flow — the build-up towards big laughs — even if pays off in keeping the viewer wrong-footed about where things might go next.

Franco’s a guaranteed laugh, and Dinklage shows up late and pretty much steals the movie. Others in the cast struggle with accents, reactions, pratfalls and punchlines that are directed and edited into sequences and gags that never quite get there.

Writer’director Blair, who did the recent “Toxic Avenger” reboot, never settles on a tone or how he feels about his “villain.” Unsavory characters float around the fringe of the story, are set up to join the pursuit of the punk and his “captors,” but are then forgotten.

And reminding us this “frightened confused child” has real victims and not knowing what to do with them once you’ve introduced them is a real buzzkill.

Rating: R, bloody violence, drug abuse, scatological humor, “sexual content” and profanity

Cast: Dave Franco, O’Shea Jackson, Jr., Mason Thames, Grace Junot, Kiernan Shipka, Najah Bradley, Melanie Loren and Peter Dinklage.

Credits: Scripted and directed by Macon Blair. An IFC release.

Running time: 1:38

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Movie Review: Ridley’s Believe in it, or Don’t — “The Dog Stars”

“The Dog Stars” is the sort of movie that late August is infamous for — a dog that the studio couldn’t figure out how to fix or market into a success, so they dumped it on Labor Day Weekend.

It’s the sort of science fiction that fumbles around for something to say, whose filmmakers throw up their hands long before the many climaxes followed by a deflatingly anticlimactic ending.

It’s the sort of night out at the cinema that one feels confident in recommending you take your bathroom break the moment Oscar winner Allison Janney shows up.

And it’s the sort of career hiccup that makes you rush to the Internet Movie Database to be sure this won’t turn out to be sci-fi icon Ridley Scott’s last film. The “Blade Runner/Alien/The Martian” director’s got half a dozen projects in development. Here’s hoping he gets one of those up and underway, and that he’s minding his health.

This post-apocalyptic tale is about the miserable, generally hopeless lives of those who survived the next pandemic — probably one the last and least of the Kennedys will preside over. That’s pretty much as topical as this adaptation of a Peter Heller novel gets.

We’re treated to murderous survivors of every stripe, people who kill rather than cooperate their way through The World’s End, which happened sometime before 2035. None of them are truly “motivated” murderers, except in a sort of blanket condemnation of survivalists way. The ones they call “Reapers” are straight out of “Omega Man” — rampaging, cultish killers who have no point of view, motivation or leader.

Josh Brolin is Bangley, a prepper who has an arsenal, some military hardware and a whole derelict airfield in Erie, Colorado as a kill zone when intruders come poking around.

But his “parter” is Hig (Jacob Elordi), a handyman who keeps an ancient Cessna in working order for runs to “the city” (Denver) for the last supplies nobody else already scavenged. Hig is just as armed. But Hig has a dog, the surest sign of humanity.

Hig touches down on city streets and visits his old house, the one where he lost his pregnant bride to “the virus.” If it weren’t very his very vocal Belgian Malanois, Jasper, who would be a jabbermouth if he spoke English, Hig wouldn’t have the will to go on, or to restart his airplane engine on all those occasions where he tempts fate and turns it off, just to see if he could actually go through with it.

He can’t make himself do “that,” or commit to moving in with the large Menonite family of orphans and adults he drops in on and helps out. Benedict Wong plays their farming patriarch.

Events conspire to send Hig packing, off in search of a phantom radio signal from Grand Junction, and that throws him in the path of a rancher (Guy Pearce) and his med student daughter (Margaret Qualley).

Things unfold in that corner of the plot exactly as you’d expect them to.

Don’t ask what Janney plays. Don’t ask about the size of the role of the most delightful character, Jasper.

And don’t question the “logic” of much of anything in a movie with the odd punchy line — “You’are dead as the world. You just don’t know it, yet!” “Shoot first and inquire afterwards!” — and veiled references to this middle class past or even the solitary, survivalist present as “the American Dream” and to the science denying idiots at the highest levels who did us all in.

“All it takes is one cough…We lost two kids last week. We think it was measles, this time.”

Having a first rate cast and a lifetime of experience making epics of every size and scope didn’t keep Scott giving this a go right up to the point where he threw his hands up at ever having a script worth all this time and money.

Not every movie is destined to work, and not all will be hits. Disney/20th Century gave up on “The Dog Stars,” which is how it got dumped on one of the worst weekends for movies of the year. But they were within their rights. Scott damned sure gave up on it before them.

Rating: R, violence, smoking, profanity

Cast: Jacob Elordi, Margaret Qualley, Josh Brolin, Allison Janney, Benedict Wong and Guy Pearce

Credits: Directed by Ridley Scott, scripted by Mark L. Smith and Christopher Wilkinson, based on a novel by Peter Heller. A 20th Century release.

Running time: 1:58

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Classic Film Review: A Catfight for the (Middle) Ages — “The Lion in Winter” (1968)

It was a gilded age for high-minded British cinema, of larger than life actors taking on epics as heroes and antiheroes — a life of “Lawrence of Arabia,” “Becket,” “Cromwell,” a dash or two of Shakespeare, and “A Man for All Seasons.”

But nothing in the costumed period pieces of the ’60s could match that Plantagent lions rampant catfight that was “The Lion in Winter.” As bawdy and funny as Burton and Taylor could be in their “Taming of the Shrew,” nothing of the age compares to James Goldman’s adaptation of his play about tyrannical Henry II, his scheming estranged wife Eleanor of Aquitaine and backstabbing sons John, Geoffrey and the brawling redheaded fury they’d come to call “Richard the Lionheart.”

“A knife! He’s got a knife!”

“Of course he has a knife! He always has a knife! We all have knives! It’s 1183 and we’re barbarians!

Giving that acrid, sneering bit of self-awareness at how all this will look to history to the formidable Katherine Hepburn hardly seems fare. Peter O’Toole at his grandest gets one and all in the holiday spirit as King Henry II. It’s a story set during the holidays in the French Castle Chinon after all.

 “Well, what shall we HANG? The holly, or each other?

And veteran character player John Castle may not be remembered for much, but giving “extra son” Geoffrey these lines is its own bit of immortality.

” I know. You know I know. I know you know I know. We know Henry knows, and Henry knows we know it. We’re a knowledgeable family.”

I’ve seen Goldman’s play on the stage and this film in cinema society and film festival showings. It plays. It is still laugh-out-loud funny, cutting and mean and boisterous with a parade of despicable characters and a few performances that go right to the edge of “over the top.”

O’Toole is ageing Henry II, who cannot rest on his laurels — or the large pieces of France, along with England and half of Ireland — which he has taken and rules. He has locked-up his rich and powerful wife, Eleanor of Aquitaine (Hepburn), former Queen of France and a bloody nuisance when it comes to Henry’s plan of succession.

He treats his youngest, John (Nigel Terry) as his “favorite,” but the lad is 16, not so much stupid as naive and headstrong. All the grooming Henry makes time for, and the lad is still unpolished, unimposing and unmannered. Having lost his oldest son, Henry wants to make the youngest John his heir and marry him off to the young French king’s (Timothy Dalton) sister, Alais (Jane Merrow), because Henry craves her county, Vexin, close enough to Paris for Henry to maintain a threatening presence.

As she shares Henry’s bed (talk about “grooming”) we figure the old dog may not just sire his heir, but have ideas of fathering his heir’s heir.

Son Richard (Anthony Hopkins) won’t have it, as he’s next in line, the most martial and imposing of the sons. He was his mother’s favorite. Now, he’s not sure he wants to scheme with her to ensure his ascent to the throne.

“You love nothing. You’re incomplete. The human parts of you are missing. You’re as dead as you are deadly.”

And then there’s Geoffrey, whom we meet as he’s directing other men in a beachside ambush he’s arranged. He’s cunning, but more of a backstabber than a front stabber. He knows he’s an “extra prince.” He has to teach his kid brother “what happens to ‘extra princes.'” What was true later with Richard III is true in 1183, too.

Henry brings all these relations, including imprisoned Eleanor and the teen King Philip of France (Dalton) to Chinon, to hash it all out — who gets what crown, who will marry whom, what Eleanor will have to agree to and what the Pope in Rome or a handy archbishop at hand can facilitate.

Editor turned director Anthony Harvey’s film — “Dutchman” and “They Might be Giants” were his — never quite sheds the staginess of the material, with its many characters entering a room, one at a time, as earlier guests hide in the curtains to overhear the scheming and insults of their rivals.

There’s lovely footage of Eleanor’s procession by barge up the river to the castle, which is as grand, austere and imposing as the players who inhabit it (Abbaye de Montmajour, Arles, Bouches-du-Rhône was the main filming location).

O’Toole is at his most wild-eyed as he shows off his swordfighting skill. He was too young to play a weary 50 year-old Henry II, but his performance has aged beautifully and he more than holds his own with Hepburn, in her most formidable role.

Hopkins gives us hints of a great screen actor in the making. Dalton brings dash and sexual ambiguity to Philip. He’d go on to play the least successful James Bond of them all. And Terry would age into a fine King Arthur for John Boorman’s “Excalibur” a decade later.

The history is more playwright’s fantasy than reality. This “Lost Weekend” never really happened. But the machinations, suggestions of schemes and same sex attraction, the “pawns” moved around by kings, would-be kings and a queen trying to pull a few last strings lines up with history.

Nigel Stock plays the real-life witness to this history, and generations and kings beyond, William Marshal. With another ’60s classic film of Henry II’s relationship with Thomas a’Becket (O’Toole was Henry II there, as well), Marshal, “The Greatest Knight” of all, might be the one character from that period piece-loving era that filmmakers missed the boat on commiting to film.

“The Lion in Winter” may be “a Christmas movie” in the same sense that “Die Hard” is. But this is a classic best consumed in cold weather with a bottle of the “brandy wine” that all involved seemed to crave, by fireside as a means of fortifying themselves for the slings and arrows to come. And the insults.

They all suffer their put downs. But Prince John, remembered in myth as the sniveling pretender who radicalized Robin Hood, is only capable of a “You stinker” and “You turd” or two. Which is why earns the coldest burn of all.

“If you’re a prince, there’s hope for every ape in Africa.”

Rating: PG, profanity, violence

Cast: Peter O’Toole, Katharine Hepburn, Anthony Hopkins, Timothy Dalton, Jane Merrow, Nigel Terry, Nigel Stock and John Castle.

Credits: Directed by Anthony Harvey, scripted by James Goldman, based on his play. An Avco Embassy release streaming on Tubi, other platforms.

Running time: 2:14

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Movie Review: Teresa Palmer obsessively Counts Everything — “Addition”

Movies built around mental maladies have a couple of consistent shortcomings, both of which the Teresa Palmer OCD dramedy “Addition” struggles with, start to finish.

There’s a tendency to treat something serious as cute and quirky. Obsessively counting everything from servings in a dim sum dish or eyelashes or bananas in your bunch in the checkout line kind of fits. Seeing visions of obsessive counter and electronic genius Nikola Tesla, who eggs our heroine into counting the bristles on her toothbrush — ALL 90 of her toothbrushes — also ticks that box.

And then there’s the suggestion that whatever psychotherapy and drugs offer, only “love” can save our disordered hero or heroine at day’s end. That proves to be the hardest trope to let go of in Marcelle Lunam’s Aussie film, based on a novel by Toni Jordan.

Becca Johnstone’s script has us spend most of the movie inside heroine Grace’s head as she voice-over narrates her every thought, taking us inside the processes that movie screenplays suggest bedevil people with OCD.

“No, obession is not a weakness,” Grace rationalizes. “Life without obsessing over things is no fun at all.”

She counts when she wakes up. She counts when she walk and counts a little when she teaches her niece’s (Lou Baxter) high school math team. She counts the tables at her only restaurant, counts the bites in her orange cake via the poppyseeds she counts in the frosting, and the waitress there has an “As Good as it Gets” tolerance of her weirdest customer.

She counts when she goes to sleep and when she wakes up, with the mustachiod Serb Tesla (Eaman Farren, given nothing to play or say), who eggs her on from bed, purring “Iljabuvi,” Croatian Serb for “my love,” after every encouragement.

It’s the counting that counts when lovely thirtysomething Grace has her “meet cute.” She swipes a banana from a distracted customer (Joe Dempsie) in line with her at a market. The “distracting” is easy because “I’m good at flirting.” Seamus, as the Brit-born house-painter is named, is no slacker at flirting himself, even if he’s a little slow about the obvious.

“You’re a bit odd, aren’t you?”

The path to romance takes us through family history, the class divide — she’s a Phd and a “genius,” he’s a mere “tradie” (tradesman) — rising expectations doomed to be demolished and of course, another sort of flirtation, with a trained psychotherapist whose novel approach is a sort of “Go or stay” attitude about a patient who obviously needs her.

The lead performances have a tenderness that makes this work better than you’d think, considering the treatment of the subject matter isn’t much more serious than your average “Big Bang Theory” episode.

Palmer’s outgrown her “Aussie Kristen Stewart” labeling, even if she never flowered into the mainstream success that seemed her destiny.

Our star and her director Lunam — the documentary “Habana Shakes” was hers — are limited by the confines of the script, which circumscribes the dramatic possibilities and makes outlying situations and characters, past and present — the teen niece, her hovering, over-achieving mother (Adrienne Pickering), Grace’s older sister, and their mother (Sarah Peirse) — feel as shortchanged as poor Tesla.

Which is a final verdict on “Addition,” that it never quite adds up to what it might have been.

Rating: TV-MA, sex

Cast: Teresa Palmer, Joe Dempsie, Lou Baxter and Eaman Farren.

Credits:Directed by Marcelle Lunam, scripted by Becca Johnstone, based on a novel by Toni Jordan. A VRC release on Amazon Prime.

Running time: 1:31

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Netflixable? “Freefall — A Reckoning for Boeing” celebrates Heroes and Names Villains

The new Netflix documentary, “Freefall: A Reckoning for Boeing,” is another “Boeing: What Went Wrong/Downfall of Boeing” expose. But this one celebrates the whistleblowers within the airliner manufacturer who sounded the alarm and often paid a price for it as the company was managed into the ground by a string of self-confident, bottom-line-fixated business school CEOs who often knew little about this no-mistakes/shortcuts allowed “business.”

There’s a taste of “America: What Went Wrong” is doc director Rory Kennedy’s expose, a film that excoriates the Jack Welch (GE tycoon) management philosophy of maximizing profits, jack up the stock value business thinking that employees of any manufacturer, media business or whatever will recognize in a heartbeat.

Layoffs, short cuts, short term thinking, more layoffs, collect bonuses and stock options as the stock price soars and damn the consequences. “Quality” and “integrity” rarely figure into it.

Welch’s proteges, from James “Jim” McNerny to David “Dave” Calhoun, with Boeing lifer Dennis Muilenburg sandwiched in between them, ran the jewel in America’s manufacturing crown into the grown — literally — by outsourcing, cost-cutting, ramping up and taking safety shortcuts every step of the way in delivering the disastrous Dreamliner 787 and the doomed retrofit 737 Max to the world’s airlines.

Kennedy (“Last Days in Vietnam,” “Ghosts of Abu Ghraib” were hers) and husband screenwriter Mark Bailey tell this story through the lives of Boeing safety inspectors and whistle blowers like John Barnett, Sam Mohawk and Merle Meyers.

We hear from crash survivors and those who survived victims of Boeing crashes such as Naoise Connelly Ryan, who became a vigorous advocate of forcing Boeing and those who ran it to face consequences.

But only one of those CEOs was fired. None of them did jail time for the hundreds of deaths they caused. And as we see Congressional showboating at its “best” when at long last Boeing leadership is called on the carpet, we accept that with a jaundiced eye. Because we’ve already seen the efforts the FAA and the Justice Dept. went to in order to spare the real villains of these tragedies anything remotely like “consequences.”

It was Welch protege McNerny who pushed Boeing to develop the Dreamliner into production at half the start-up cost of a typical new airplane designed to pick up and deliver passengers over long distances for years and decades safely. We learn of the “outsourcing” that didn’t work out as the Japanese, South Korean and other suppliers had quality control and parts compatibility problems.

We shudder at the “We don’t want unions here” new South Carolina plant heralded by then-Gov. Nikki Haley, and the videos of disgruntled, under-trained and unqualified employees who assembled many of these ticking time bombs.

And we follow the sad story of Barnett, a dogged safety inspector and lifelong company man, a blue collar hero who saw problems months and years in advance, problems the new GE-style corporate culture refused to address and the Feds failed to enforce.

It’s a widely damning documentary, as the press would often go along with the “official” verdict on this or that problem and assume it had been corrected, when it hadn’t. Meanwhile, the “capitalist tools” at Forbes and the Wall Street Journal sang the praises of the middle-aged CEOs, who were feted — to a one — by the empty-headed ditzes of TV’s CNBC (“Squawk Box” indeed) as the titans of a new gilded age.

“Freefall” doesn’t so much cover new ground as sum up a long but quick slide that many American industries experienced thanks to this stock price/cost cutting obsession. But it does give one fresh reasons to ask what plane your next flight will be using, and shopping around when you don’t like the answer.

Rating: R, profanity

Cast: John Barnett , Naiose Connelly Ryan, Dominic Gates, Sam Mohawk, Merle Meyers, with David Calhoun, Jim McNerny, Dennis Muilenberg and Jack Welch.

Credits: Directed by Rory Kennedy, scripted by Mark Bailey. A Netflix release.

Running time: 1:33

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Movie Review: Statham at Sea means “Mutiny”

When Jason Statham growls, “Trust me, I’m coming back for everybody,” what self-respecting hostage wouldn’t consider themselves as good as rescued?

J.Sta’s latest, “Mutiny,” is a “Die Hard” at sea that, thank to “Mesrine” director Jean-François Richet, uses that laybrinthine setting to great effect. From engine room to anchor well, our ex-cop/hero flees a bevy of bad guys just long enough to start picking them off, one by one, two by two and so on.

It’s a formulaic thriller, set in Bangkok and at sea, shot in London and Malta, slick on its surface but labored in its opening acts and eager to run off the rails in the finale.

There are fights that are brilliantly shot and cut together, and one or two that make you wonder what was left out — what did we not see — when this or that villain goes down. The star who used to choose his projects based on how brilliant the stunt coordinator was is more obviously doubled, here and there (outside that anchor well).

But hey, the ex-competitive diver turned action star is pushing 60. A little Mel Gibson/Stallone in Winter is to be expected

Statham is Cole Reed, ex-London cop (check him out, all stubbled up, in his bobby helmet) turned bodyguard for a Thai shipping magnate who treats him like “family.”

When his client is killed, Cole is framed and Cole is pissed. He takes the identity of one of the killers, an American crewman on one of the boss’s freighters, the MV Artemis, to see what really went down and who’s behind all this.

Danish actor Roland Møller plays the dastardly Danish ship’s captain. Annabelle Wallis plays the brought-on-at-the-last-minute third mate who, like Cole, tumbles across a shipping container packed with human cargo. And Adrian Lester plays the U.S. Navy skipper whose Oliver Hazard Perry frigate (a retired class) named “U.S.S. Hazard Perry” standing by and wondering what the hell’s going on with that container ship.

Salty viewers will note that the Artemis almost never seems to be in motion, and in one scene set astern seems to be going in reverse.

But the scripted problem solving is adequate — start a fire, sneak around in that favorite lazy thriller writer’s crutch, “the air ducts,” empty machine gun after machine gun, pistol after pistol, without counting the rounds used and rounds left.

And Statham still gives fair value, still delivers what his audience craves even if we, like he, aren’t as lithe, young and discriminating as we used to be.

Rating: R, graphic violence, profanity

Cast: Jason Statham, Annabelle Wallis, Roland Møller, Chanell Kullar and Simon Kluth

Credits: Directed by
Jean-François Richet, scripted by Lindsay Michel and J.P. Davis. A Lionsgate release.

Running time: 1:35

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Movie Review: “Spa Weekend” is every bit as Bland as it Sounds

It turns out, putting the two dudes who scripted “The Hangover” (and “Bad Moms”) in charge of writing and directing a midlife crisis moms at a spa farce wasn’t the smartest move ever.

“Spa Weekend” — a title as colorless as the product — is a laugh-free farce of the “Girls Trip,” “Bridesmaids,” “Joy Ride” variety. Only old and moldy.

Think of it as a passing of the torch, from the Goldie, Lily, Jane, Rita or Jada generation to new “funny women of a certain age,” and you still won’t have lowered your expectations enough.

It’s meant as a break-the-rules/cut loose farce of the “Bad Moms” school — only funnier. Or funny. It doesn’t work. Ever.

Mid-50s Leslie Mann is birthday gal Jane, one of the four tween moms, “friends since middle school,” who do a girls’ get-away at the Solstice Spa up the California coast from their busy busy lives. She’s a lawyer, no longer married and lovelorn.

“The tough one,” Coco (Michelle Buteau) is newly divorced and ignoring her anger management issues as she shares custody and mocks her husband for taking up with an older woman.

Sophie (Anna Faris, at her least amusing) is still married, trying to hang onto a job as gopher/assistant to a hapless rich brat who can’t bear to run out of Cheetos when she’s out of town.

And Mel, “the crazy one,” the one most of them agree to not invite, is played by just-turned-50 Isla Fisher at her most Aussie and over-the-top. She’s just the one to fix up Jane up with the “manotantric” yoga instructor (Peter Thurnwald) at the spa.

“She’s on the ‘older’ side, but she’s got a porno body!”

That’s the comic level of the dialogue, here. The bar is so low on the physical comedy that pretty much any “accident” or pratfall carries the success or failure of the movie with it.

Erika Heynatz doesn’t do much with the role of spa guru/owner, a role that could have been a comic highlight in more skilled hands. Kathryn Hahn wasn’t available?

Actresses who clear 50 have few choices, and it’s almost too much to hope that a “First Wives Club” or “Something’s Gotta Give” or anything with a little dignity and message to it will be there when that AARP card arrives in the mail. It’s not out of order to try a little late career “raunchy” and lewd. But if it isn’t funny, limited choices or not, you should know better.

Faris and Fisher know funny. Mann? Well, she’s married to Judd Apatow. She, more than anybody, should know better and beg for a little script doctoring.

It’d be mean to point out who is battling Mother Time the hardest, or to name who is suffering from “Sandra Bullock Face” owing to fillers. Because that’s beside the point.

Let’s put the blame for this fiasco where it lies and repeat that old Hollywood maxim that applies –and how.

“Old guys (behind the camera) can’t do comedy.”

Rating: R, pot use, suggested sex, profanity

Cast: Leslie Mann, Anna Faris, Michelle Buteau, Peter Thurnwald, Erika Heynatz and Isla Fisher

Credits: Scripted and directed by Jon Lucas and Scott Moore. A Black Bear release.

Running time: 1:37

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Movie Review: Kidnapped in Ukraine? The Russkies never see the “Man of War” coming to the Rescue

LaMonica Garrett gives off strong Michael Jai White vibes in the title role of the new American commando in Ukraine thriller “Man of War.” I LOVE Michael Jai White.

Garrett, of TV’s “1883” and “The Terminal List,” stands out like a bald, bemuscled bull in a china shop in this thriller about a “retired” commando who takes it on himself to rescue his aid-worker niece when the Russians invade Ukraine in the winter of 2022.

As Mike Conner, he’ll punch, stab, grenade and shoot-shoot-shoot the marauding Muscovites who’re hellbent on raping, pillaging and murdering their way through a former client state that has designs on joining the EU and NATO.

Yeah, it’s a straight-no-chaser B-movie, a commando with “special skills” and LOTS of them killing his way through a headline-grabbing war zone. But that topicality, with Bulgaria doubling for wartorn Ukraine — just spraypaint a “Z” on a Soviet era tank and you’re golden — and some pretty savage action sequences recommend it, even if no character, situation or flinty line of dialogue is remotely novel, new or surprising.

The first “I got this” comes after the “Hate makes you sloppy” in combat observation.

“I must say,” the Russian torturer/villain (Daniel Bernhardt) purrs, “I never knew much about people, until I took the time to take them apart.”

Conner gets the video call from niece Riley (Rosemary Yaneva) just as the Russians storm in. One call to his “old friend” (Jason Patric in the logistics and “support” role) gets Conner on a plane and into Kiev. where his “loud” local tour guide (Andrew Howard) is meant to get him to the combat zone to track down the niece with a trackable smart watch.

Russian commandos get in their way. Ukrainians might take them for Russian spies. And artillery makes no distinction in its victims, even if drones sometimes do.

Those loutish Cockney Brit commandos we meet early on are destined to return at an opportune time, and many a “good” guy is fated to get his own death scene.

Director and co-writer William Kaufman (“Shrapnel,” “The Channel,” “Warhorse One,”The Brave”) is more of a one-trick-pony than an action auteur. This film’s relentless, repetitive last 25 minutes is one long shoot-our-way-out out of Kharkiv and that’s kind of a signature of his. But this isn’t “Heat” and he’s no Michael Mann. Stand-offs are resolved the same way more than once (Ukrainians shoot, from off-camera, abruptly wiping out Conner and his tour guide’s antagonists).

Garrett isn’t bad as the lead, Howard is more convincingly Ukranian than you might guess and Bernhardt makes a perfectly vile villain. Kaufman often finds a role for Patric, and in this case, the one “name” star of the film got to play his part in street clothes and sandals, always a cell-phone call/satellite image away from the action.

Introducing a little politics into this — with Conner repeating Putin/MAGA talking points — only serves the purpose of riddling them with bullet holes. And Conner can only complain about Ukranians saying they have “no time for prisoners” whom they execute in the hope that we forget we’ve seen Conner himself play the same game — one-shot-to-the-head of his defeated, wounded and disarmed foe.

The film’s overfamiliarity may be a selling point to those looking for combat film comfort food. You know what you’re getting from a Kaufman kill-em-all. But like every film of his I’ve seen, there’s a ceiling on what we can expect, and his imagination and skill set never ever punch through it.

Rating: R, graphic violence, implied rape, profanity, smoking

Cast: LaMonica Garrett, Andrew Howard, Linds Edwards, Rosemary Yaneva, Daniel Bernhardt and Jason Patric.

Credit: Directed by William Kaufman, scripted by William Kaufman and Paul Reichelt. A Well Go USA release.

Running time: 1:51

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Movie Review: Rose Byrne is one “Tow” away from Homelessness

Get past the gorgeous, glamorous star power in the cast and a tone that lurches from cute to Kafkaesque and the homeless-woman-goes-to-court dramedy “Tow” will still hit you right in the ol’heartstrings.

A sentimental tale told with a bitter bite, veteran TV director Stephanie Laing’s drama asks us to believe Rose Byrne as a bleached (and re-bleached) blonde “vehicular housed” homeless woman who loses the car she’s living in and her chance to get on her feet, get out of the ’91 Camry and get down to see the daughter she gave up (Elsie Fisher) in time for Christmas.

And thanks to Byrne and a seriously impressive supporting cast, we do believe this “true story” of one broke woman’s battle against The System, in the form of a predatory Seattle towing company with no interest in ever doing the right or kind thing.

She’s tested by an oily, rich and insensitive lawyer, which Corbin Bernson could play with his eyes closed. She’s challenged by a homeless shelter and AA devotee played by Oscar winner Octavia Spencer, befriended by homeless women played by Oscar winner Ariana DeBose and singer Demi Lovato, playing a single expectant mom who sings.

Simon Rex is the tow truck company functionary with a heart, even if Cliff won’t do the right thing and just release her car and lose his lousy job over it.

And Dominic Sessa plays the crusading kid attorney who goes to battle for this woman who teeters between sobriety and despair as she sees her world — a nearly useless car (that still runs, it’s a TOYOTA) with everything she owns in it — stolen from her.

Byrne’s Amanda Ogle is determined to get a job as a veterinary tech (she passed the qualifying exam without college), determined to stay sober and determined to get back to see her cosplaying seamstress kid (Fisher) in Urah in time for Christmas.

All that goes to hell thirteen minutes into “Tow” when her Camry is stolen, turns up on a street across town and gets towed. “It’s not my fault” has been Amanda’s mantra for a while, but damned if she isn’t right this time. Kaplan Towing holds her car, with all her things, hostage for a hauling and lot storage fee that is bad and destined to get much worse.

When you’re homeless, you may be able to afford a cell phone (which you charge at a select few places that you figure out), junk food, smokes and blonde hair dye (which you renew in public restrooms where you wash up). But you sure as heck can’t afford Kaplan Towing (“The Nice People in the Towing Business”) slapping fees on your misfortune thanks to an exclusive county towing contract.

“This is NOT over,” Amanda vows, after the crying and pleading is done. She may have been a barmaid, but she knows a thing or two about researching a thing or two. She represents herself, gets a sympathetic clerk to get her into court, and convinces a judge to issue a court order.

Ah, but the predators in our business culture know how to stall, “discovery” and dodge doing the court’s doing — with the judge and “system” doing nothing to protect the little woman. Or man.

Millions will identify with this story of Amanda vs. Goliath, as this sort of predatory towing crap is everywhere. A newspaper where I worked in Orlando tore into this story, and TV stations are still at it, and damned if there’s any justice to be had short of pulling a gun on these bastards in the act.

The film’s timeliness is in every unwanted “Data Center” headline, every Trump flouting of “the rule of law,” every rich creep protected from “consequences.”

The shortcomings of “Tow” are its banal predictabilty. We know Amanda will dismiss the kid attorney working for a non-profit when they first meet. But we know they’ll come around to “needing each other.”

We can guess Spencer’s shelter proctor speech before she utters it.

“We run on rules, not excuses,” she preaches. “No porn” in this shelter. “We’re on the LORD’s WIFI” in this church.

We catch Bernson’s walking “dead lawyer” joke on his rowing machine, talking up African safaris to rich pals, or on the driving range, dodging court dates as he “waits out” his opposition.

The script may not explain how Byrne surfs the ups and downs of sobriety with no visible means of support, and no inserts of dogs at the clinic/boarding spa where she wants to work in holiday costumes (she fights this battle for a year) don’t paper over that.

But Byrne is a fiesty delight, and her scenes with comic Lea DeLaria, DeBose, Lovato, Rex and Spencer score even if the client-lawyer stuff seems wanting.

And there’s always the comfort food element to the plot. We need to be reassured that some powerless people fight a “rigged” system, no matter what the odds. Because when they do, regimes fall and the world changes.

Rating: R, substance abuse, profanity, smoking

Cast: Rose Byrne, Octavia Spencer, Dominic Sessa, Simon Rex, Elsie Fisher, Ariana DeBose, Demi Lovato and Corbin Bernsen.

Credits: Directed by Stephanie Laing, scripted by Jonathan Keasey and Brant Boivin. A Veritical/Roadside Attractions release on Amazon Prime.

Running time: 1:44

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