Movie Nation

If you’re a parent, chances are you’ve seen worse animated films than “Escape from Planet Earth.” Mostly, one might add, from the same studio that released this one.

But “Earth” is something of a giant – OK, mini-giant – leap forward for The Weinstein Company. It’s not much funnier than most of their earlier fare. But at least it’s not as ugly as “Hoodwinked,” “Doogal” and the rest.

Reaching that “Space Chimps”/”Planet 51” level of good-looking mediocrity is an achievement. Pop the champagne!

The blue aliens of Baab have this Buzz Lightyear-style hero, “Scorch,” a space rescuer-hero whose adventures are covered by live video feed from wherever in the universe he is sent. Scorch is all bravado and swagger and catch-phrase.

“Scorch me, baby!”

He’s a regular rock star — and a bit of a dope. He is voiced by Brendan Fraser.

Dopey Scorch always has his mild-mannered tech-nerd brother Gary (Rob Corddry) back at Mission Control, pulling his blue biscuits out of the fire. Until that day that the egotistical Scorch “fires” Gary.

“I QUIT.”

Same diff. This happens just as Scorch leaves on a mission to “The Dark Planet,” the place where aliens – even those who “come in peace” – disappear. Which is what Scorch does, right in front of the 7-Eleven on the outskirts of Area 51. Yes, the “Dark Planet” is our own — Earth.

Gary’s gung-ho son and ex-test pilot wife (Sarah Jessica Parker) shame him into attempting a rescue. Meanwhile, Scorch is discovering that the team of screenwriters has plagiarized “Monsters vs. Aliens” and that Area 51 is a vast holding pen where Craig Robinson, Jane Lynch (naturally) and George Lopez voice other imprisoned aliens, and William Shatner is the creepy general in charge.

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“Safe Haven,” poor reviews or no, did quite well on Valentine’s Day. Romance novelist Nic Sparks’ adaptation pulled in over $9 million.

“A Good Day to Die Hard” was second, with over $8. It may have earned $40-50 million by midnight Sunday.

“Identity Thief” is hanging around at number 3.

“Beautiful Creatures,” the best reviewed movie of the weekend, did under $3 million for the non-holiday holiday. It could manage $20 this weekend.

The Weinstein Co., too poor to preview its movies for critics any more, has a pitiful record in animation. “Hoodwinked” was sort of a high water mark.

So why throw good money after bad letting critics see it?

“Escape from Planet Earth” has Sarah Jessica Parker and Brendan Fraser providing voices, and a director who has worked on (not as a director) some decent animated films in recent years.

So maybe this isn’t “Arthur and the Invisibles” or (shudder) “Doogal.” Then again, maybe it is.

We’ll see.

It’s the documentary about the song everybody knows, the Jewish “Hokey Pokey,” a staple of weddings, bars this and bats that.

But who knows where it’s from and how it got to be that cross-cultural staple? “Hava Nagila (The Movie)” opens in March. And it has the answers. So they tell me.

Bad reviews, VERY bad, for “A Good Day to Die Hard.” Including mine.

Weaker than weak reviews, VERY WEAK, for “Safe Haven,” another dose of the Nicholas Sparks. Including mine.

And middling reviews for the sassy, drawling “Beautiful Creatures,” which improves on the “Twilight” formula, and does it with witches. My review is more enthusiastic than some, but not all.

What box office future can these three expect? Will “Die Hard” do $50 million, reviews be damned?

I doubt it, though that’s the whispered expectation floating around in speculation land.

Worlds will collide when “Game of Thrones” star Peter Dinklage joins the cast of “X-Men: Days of Future Past.”

IF he joins that cast. Deadline.com describes the Bryan Singer sequel as a mix and match collection of actors/character from both the X-Men prequel, and X-Men movies proper. Might Dinklage be a villain?

It’s another Thursday, which means that I’ll be talking up the week’s new releases at 745 AM on 740 AM-The Game.

Mike Bianchi & I will discuss “A Good Day to Die Hard,” which is getting nuclear reviews. lncluding from me. Say this for Fox. They showed it to critics, looking for good or bad press, which automatically makes this better than “Parker” and other not-really-a-studio releases.

And “Safe Haven,” which is earning shoe bomb reviews.

And “Beautiful Creatures,” which I rather liked and is managing mixed reviews.

“Amour,” the last Oscar nominee to reach much of the country, comes to Enzian Friday.

Yeah, Happy Valentine’s Day, Mother Russia.

But is it “A Good Day to Die Hard,” a good time to be had by all as Bruce Willis takes his fifth shot at “shootin’ all the scumbags”?

Naaah.

Loud and tedious, “Die Hard 5” is a shaky-cam/Sensuround blast of bullets and bombs, digital explosions and death defying feats of defying death.

Not a decent villain or catchphrase in it, it’s an attempt to CIA-up the New York cop takes-on-the-world’s-terrorists franchise. And it doesn’t work.

Director John Moore (“Behind Enemy Lines”) spends an endless opening filled with no-names speaking Russian and laying out an elaborate scheme to nab/kill or release a rich “political prisoner” (Sebastian Koch). Moore gave his cinematographer a Steadicam and a case of Red Bull, and shot the whole thing with a jittery frame that doesn’t mask how dull the action beats are, and how REALLY dull the chatty father-son bonding scenes in between the action beats are.

John McClane (Bruce Willis) is in Moscow to check up on a son (Jai Courtney of “Spartacus”) who’s in jail. Turns out the estranged son is CIA, and he’s on a mission. And dad, who’s “ON VACATION,” is interfering. Or saving the day, depending on your point of view.

The kid calls the old man by his first name.

“John? Whatever happened to ‘Dad’?”

“Yeah, whatever happened to him?”

They don’t get along.

“Need a hug?”

“We’re not really a hugging family.”

They crash through an epic Moscow traffic jam – which Moore & Co. shoot and edit into a jumble of crushed cars and feeble wisecracks from the villains – “Boy, dis guy iz really gettink on my nerves.”

They get into fights with helicopters. In the middle of the city. Not that local law enforcement notices.

And it’s all in pursuit of some mysterious “file,” which the prisoner they’re trying to slip out of the country has. Or doesn’t.

Vast arsenals turn up, at their convenience. Unlimited supplies of lead are exchanged with legions of evil minions.

“It’s not 1986, you know.”

Which has kind of been a watchword these pay couple of months. With “Red Dawn” remade,  badly,and Stallone and Schwarzenegger stinking up cinemas in the weeks leading up to this, you kind of hoped the last ‘80s action star to take his shot could conjure up a little of the old magic.

Bruce, sad to say, doesn’t.

For 25 years, it’s generally been “A Good Day to Die Hard.” But these last two films have neutered the franchise and wrecked any hopes that Bruce as McClane might be Bourne again. The guy can still take a licking – still pull those shards of glass out after every death and physics defying stunt. But the character is weary, and the “I’m on vacation” line is played. McClane needs to trot out “I’m RETIRED” from here on out.

MPAA Rating: R for violence and language

Cast: Bruce Willis, Jai Courtney, Sebastian Koch, Mary Elizabeth Winstead

Credits: Directed by John Moore, scripted by Skip Woods. A 20th Century Fox release.

Running time: 1:37