Movie Review: Dumb action gets dumber, “Get Fast”

“Stupid is as stupid does,” and stupid’s entirely the point of “Get Fast,” a dumber-than-dumb action pic that sets out to prove how much movie you can make with pretty much no script at all.

Catch-phrases and stock characters, a film where every heist or attempt to recover the loot from a heist “always ends with a shootout,” it’s a short, stupid sprint of a low-budget action comedy, the sort of picture you get when you have to digitally add muzzle flashes to those “shoot outs” because you blew through way too much money renting a plane, a helicopter and a pricy “cowboy” outfit for the biggest name in your cast, Lou Diamond Phillips.

But take your ten gallon hats off to Valerie Biggin, who arranged the generic ’80s action pop soundtrack. That sets the cheesy tone they were going for here, and if they had fun doing car and truck chases, shoot-outs and the like on a teensy budget, well at least that’s something.

Director and co-writer James Clayton, who directed, co-wrote and co-starred in the Vinnie Jones thriller “Bullet Proof,” drops us right in the middle of the action, the climax to a chase where “partner” Vic (Philip Granger) isn’t able to fly his vintage plane to the rescue of “The Thief” (Clayton), who has robbed the drug gang run by Nushi (Fei Ren).

As Nushi’s minions Sly and Tank (Lee Majdoub and Simon Chin) and others show up to foil their getaway, partner Vic mutters “Get fast, get gone.” And the thief steals fresh wheels to make a getaway that never quite gets away.

There are dirty cops (Alisha-Marie Ahamed and James Hutson) and mob minions to overcome, an anxiety-ridden ice cream truck driver (Suleiman Abutu) to hijack and enlist and Nushi’s murderous “enforcer,” Mr. “If she’s sending who I THINK she’s sending” to be faced.

That would be “The Cowboy” (Phillips,) dolled up like New Mexican pimp ready to strut his stuff and wave his over-sized six-shooters at the Waco rodeo.

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Netflixable? Elliot Page stars in a Transgender Homecoming — “Close to You”

The Canadian drama “Close to You” is a quiet, contemplative and yet deflatingly unsurprising homecoming story about an unhappy, maladjusted daughter who returns to his former home and former life after gender reassignment treatment.

It stars the transgender actor Elliot Page, who helped create the story for a largely improvised screenplay that touches most of the bases you’d expect, but with a frankness that’s disarming and sometimes refreshing.

Sam has made a new life for himself in Toronto, enduring years of gender changing treatment to become a better-adjusted person even if he’s not exactly thriving financially.

But his father’s birthday has Sam packing for a weekend back in tiny, lakeside Cobourg, where Sam’s sisters, brother and brothers-in-law are gathering in the family home to celebrate. Sam hasn’t been there in four years.

Most will welcome him. Some will stumble over pronouns and one will fume over the “new rules” and lash out in the most predictable ways.

“We shared a f—–g bedroom, and I didn’t know you!” one sister cries in what we take to be despair and guilt.

And then there’s that high school crush (Hilary Baack) Sam stumbles into on the train. Katherine isn’t shocked at seeing him. But she’s shaken, and we can see the old feelings that she, at least, is struggling to fight off.

“I can’t, I can’t I can’t” is all she can say after all these years. She and Sam will take the time to say more, we feel. Because that’s the way melodramas with gay characters too often unfold.

Married? Loving husband? Kids? Is that just compromising her “true” self? Shouldn’t she, in her 30s, throw that all away just to see a “first love” high school flirtation through?

Writer-director Dominic Savage (“The Escape,” “Love + Hate”) treats every moment, every image with such somber gravitas that “Close to You” is practically smothered in seriousness and good intentions. Sam’s journey home is tracked in long hand-held camera treks through Toronto to the train, and a long walk home in Cobourg, with every step freighted with dread.

After a while, that gets old. And as the largely improvised conversations develop in directions that only rarely move or even surprise, the picture’s slack pacing starts to wear on you.

Wendy Crewson and Peter Outerbridge play the welcoming parents, with each having an idealized “You’re still my child” scene that moves and is a model for “how to speak to your trans kid.”

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Movie Preview: Aging and about to be unemployed, Pamela Anderson is “The Last Showgirl”

Gia Coppola directed, Brenda Song, Billie Lourd, Dave Bautista and Oscar winner Jamie Lee Curtis co-star.

This “final performance” Vegas showgirl tale has vulnerability and a little cachet, with Anderson back from the dead and a decent supporting cast.

This is getting a limited release Dec. 12.

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Movie Preview: Zambian family ponders life and death and old secrets — “On Becoming a Guinea Fowl”

Writer-director Rungano Nyoni took a top prize for this quirky drama that immerses us in a Zambian family, it’s secrets and suspicions and superstitions and funeral rituals.

Mar. 7, from A24.

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Movie Review: A French “Robin Hood” robber enjoys “Freedom,” between heists and prison time

The ambitiously titled “Freedom” is a heist picture that makes more promises than it keeps.

The latest feature from actress turned director Mélanie Laurent (“Now You See Me,” “The Flood”) sets up as a French Robin Hood tale of an idealistic adrenalin junky who robs from the bourgeoisie and lives large on the proceeds. but never quite delivers on that premise.

We see our anti-hero make a show of tearing up the checks of proletarian grocery shoppers after he’s emptied out supermarket safes early on. But Bruno Sulak covets the thrill of the thievery more than the politics of “freedom” from debt and living life by society’s rules.

“Freedom” still makes a passable star vehicle for actor (“Emily in Paris”) and model Lucas Bravo, the pretty boy center of this fictionalized “true story” about an ’80s armed robber so handsome witnesses blushed when they tried to describe him to the cop (Yvan Attal of “Munich” and “Rush Hour 3”) on his trail.

The twenty-something Bruno hits assorted supermarkets with his hulking accomplice Drago (Steve Tientcheu). They’re armed and menacing, but “We’re not here to kill people.”

His runway-ready lover Annie (Léa Luce Busato) waits in whatever car they’ve stolen for this job, ready to drive them to whatever remote, well-appointed farmhouse they’re holed up in.

The robberies are tense but typically non-violent. The take isn’t spectacular, and the money goes through his fingers too easily for this to be sustainable.

But in this pre-Internet, limited CCTV camera past, a lot depends on the eyewitnesses who can’t help but note that descriptions and mug shots don’t do him justice.

“He’s much BETTER looking in person!”

Bruno may complain to the cop “Stop following us (in French, or dubbed into English).” “Don’t you have other criminals to put away?”

“You’re my FAVORITE,” the cop explains.

But the film’s lighter touches — permissive policing, incarceration as just a new “challege” and gamble for our hustler to master — aren’t light enough to make this a “caper comedy.” And the conventions of such a story, borne out by the reality of armed-robbery “careers,” prove too much for the script’s self-proclaimed “freedom” ethos to overcome.

Radivoje Bukvic is the Yugoslavian Steve, too cool, clever and accomplished to be caught and a real assett to their “crew.” David Margia plays the careless punk Patrick, whose arrival signals that they’re about to go down.

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BOX OFFICE: “Red One” bombs, “Heretic” thrives, “A Real Pain” opens wide, “Christmas Pageant” abides

Ill-conceived, as many a Christmas “action comedy” has been, the Dwayne Johnson/Chris Evans/J.K. Simmons “Santa’s security detail” romp “Red One” earned dismissive reviews and a great big yawn from filmgoers.

Whoever thought a $200-250 million movie about threats to Santa (Simmons), aka “Red One,” dealt with by his supernatural security detail (Johnson, recruiting Evans) was a good idea must have never seen “A Charlie Brown Christmas.”

A middling Thursday night and “Elf” sized Friday suggest $32 million is as much as it will take in on its opening weekend. Deadline.com figures $30 million will be closer to the final mark. And if it falls below that, well that’s that.

The final tally came in at $34 million.That’s 3 million tickets sold, kids, 3.1 million, tops. It’ll never come close to covering its budget and will be streaming on glitchy Amazon Prime in no time.

Johnson has taken a lion’s share of the blame for the stupid movie’s cost — greedy, an aging diva on set, always late and abusing underlings. Perhaps filmgoers are playing politics with the opportunistic Johnson and Amazon Studios’ Jeff Bezos, or perhaps they smelled a stinker before they ever carved a pumpkin. But “Red One” is going down on domestic screens, doing marginally better $36 million after opening earlier in other markets) overseas.

Wait to watch it on Amazon Prime? If you haven’t dropped it?

All the talk about this Jeff Bezos bust drowns out the “news” that Robert Zemeckis, Tom Hanks and Robin Wright and “Here” are gone from the top ten and that Sony wasted $50 million on a movie that will barely clear $13-14 by the end of its run.

“Venom: The Last Dance” should clear the $130 million mark, all-in, by Monday or Tuesday, a $7.4 million weekend.

“Best Christmas Pageant Ever” is settling in as a long-run modest-budget holiday hit and landed just shy of the $20 million mark by midnight Sunday. It cleared $5.4 million on its second weekend after opening just over $10. That’s a hit, kids.

“Heretic” rolls in at fourth place at the box office, having pulled in $15 million its first week. The film over-performed expectations with a $10.8 million opening, and it cleared $5.2 million second weekend — maybe $6.5. It’s the edgiest mainstream picture in theaters at the moment, and the smartest and Hugh Grant’s reinvention as an erudite villain is complete.

Wild Robot” ($4.3 million) is losing steam and screens, but will be over $140 million by early next week, and vanish before the holidays.

“Smile 2” is winding down its run ($2.95). It won’t have cleared $75 by the time it heads for streaming.

The Vatican politics thriller “Conclave” is sticking to the top ten, with another $2.85 million, pushing it over $26 million.

And Jesse Eisenberg’s irreverent Jewish cousins visit “The Old Country” (Poland) comedy “A Real Pain” opens reasonably wide (900 screens) and should earn over $3 million and cracked the top ten — barely. A $2.3 million “wide” (ish) opening means it won’t be in the top ten next weekend.

Neon’s “Anora” is titillating enough to be in the top ten this weekend ($1.839) but likewise won’t crack the top ten next weekend, or ever again.

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Movie Preview: Ben Stiller hits the upstaged-by-kids “Holiday Comedy” stage of his career —  “Nutcrackers”

Everything in this trailer moans “Tired” and “played.”

Linda Cardinelli co stars in this “fostering little monsters” comedy. This looks like something our lad Ben might have been in 30 years ago.

Nov. 29 on Hulu.

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Classic Film Review: Hitchcock becomes “Hitch” — “The 39 Steps” (1935)

While he was alive, critics had little trouble finding ways to discount Alfred Hitchcock’s genius and underrate his later decades of entertaining, bubbly and even chilling thrillers. Because that generation of reviewers remembered “The 39 Steps.”

This 1935 romp of a thriller followed the 1934 version of Hitchcock’s “The Man Who Knew Too Much.” Yes, he’d remake that espionage thriller during his glorious peak decade, the 1950s. But he’d remake “The 39 Steps” many times and in many ways, often repeating the “public spectacle” trick he’d tried out in the 1934 “Man Who Knew Too Much” (the “cantata scene”) in many films, including his 1959 “Hitch’s Greatest Hits” thriller “North by Northwest.”

“The 39 Steps” bounces through English music halls and onto Scottish moors with an accused murderer on the run to clear his name and foil those smuggling the film’s “MacGuffin,” state secrets of a military aviation nature.

It’s sexy, silly and suspenseful, a colorful delight filmed in sharp, crisp black and white.

Robert Donat served as the prototype for the sort of Hitchockian hero that a lot of actors would play, most famously Cary Grant — playful and imperiled, flirty and when the moment called for it, flinty in ways we could never foresee.

The future Oscar winner (“Goodbye, Mr. Chips”) Donat would have an illness-impaired career that included more stage successes than screen ones, and more’s the pity, based on the dash and droll wit he brought to Hannay, a Canadian caught up in between-the-world wars British intrigues.

Hitchcock & Co. preserved a grand taste of “English Music Hall” with rambunctious, amusingly unruly scenes of show folk doing their acts as the sometimes tipsy punters howl their approval or disapproval from “the stalls” and the cheap seats.

That’s where the Canadian Hannay glimpses the rough treatment of some acts — including the “Mr. Memory” act — an evening of entertainment interrupted by gunshots.

In the middle of the not-quite-riot that ensues, he’s buttonholed by a mysterious and quite paranoid foreign beauty (Lucie Mannheim).

“May I come home with you?” Nudge nudge, wink wink “Say no MORE” is implied, with “It’s your funeral” the part Hannay says out loud.

Once there, Hannay gets “Annabell” to reveal her name, and realizes she’s not delusional. She really IS being followed. And she really was the one who “fired the shots” that disrupted the show to make her escape.

She speaks of “The 39 Steps,” of a remote village in Scotland, of government secrets that have been stolen and of contact with a man missing the top joint of his pinky finger. Hannay awakens to her final gasps, a knife stuck in her back.

He knows how this looks and makes his escape — by milk wagon, by rail, with newspapers ensuring that the whole of Britain is onto him. It’ll take his most convincing arguments and all his charm to find “the real killers” and unravel a very real “plot.”

Madeleine Carroll plays the Hitchcock Blonde Hannay stumbles into who is VERY relunctantly enlisted in his getaway/get the bad guys scheme. She doesn’t believe a word of his “story.”

“Has that penetrated?”

“Right to the funny bone. Now tell me another one.”

Being manacled to a possibly murderous mustachio’d rake who passes you off as his “wife” at a Scottish inn isn’t any lady’s idea of a tea party. Not everything here points to the plot being something of a lark. But an awful lot of it does, and amusingly.

Hannay shares a rail car with a woman’s undergarments salesman and his chatty/saucy friend. The innkeeper (John Laurie) may not know or much care if Pamela (Carroll) and her gent are “married.” But his wife (the future “Dame” Peggy Ashcroft) is damned if she’s letting trench-coated goons or anybody else stand in the way of true love.

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Movie Preview: Steve Coogan learns from his tuxedo’d pal — “The Penguin Lessons”

A true story, an Englishman transplanted in clip crazed 1970s Argentina and a little Jonathan Pryce on the side?

This played at the Toronto Film Fest this fall, and Lionsgate cannot wait to release it.

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Movie Preview: Rami Malek is “The Amateur” Out to Kill His Wife’s Murderers

Laurence Fishburne, Julianne Nicholson, Rachel Brosnahan and Jon Bernthal are among the supporting players in this “cryptoanalyst turned assassin/agent” thriller.

April 11.

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