There’s nothing like a character blurting out your entire review in a laugh-line early in the opening act.

“It’s like a Hallmark Movie gone wrong!”

I mean, I’ll hand it to screenwriter Melinda Bryce. She pretty much one-upped anything I say about “A Holiday I Do” with that zinger.

“A Holiday I Do” is a Hallmark-insipid, oatmeal-bland holiday romance whose lone novelty was intended to be the same-sex couple we’re set-up to root for at the outset.

Every scene is more tepid than the one that came before it. More than a few characters serve little to no function in the narrative. And the basic situation, that a divorced and I guess recently “out” mom (Lindsay Hicks) frets and futzes about throwing a bachelor party for her ex and helping with his small town wedding, over the objections of the bride, is a bit much.

But hey, she works on a horse farm and talks to her horses. The farm’s “in trouble,” something our heroine Jane’s elderly mother (Jill Larson) isn’t telling her. So at least the filmmakers had Hallmark hopes when they started out.

We meet Jane on “speed date” night at a Soho drag club. We don’t need a montage of bad encounters to realize Jane doesn’t seem at home here.

She’s taking her mother’s suggestions that she “find someone to share your life with,” now that her lifelong “best friend” and ex (Joe Piazza) is about to marry wedding-obsessed Heather (India Chappell). Jane’s small-town to the core, and “speed dating” isn’t really for people like her.

Jane has to keep watering down the “bachelor” party she’s to be throwing (the movie is so tame it won’t show us the risque cupcakes she’s ordered) just to please Heather, who sees her as a rival and someone she’s not looking forward to being in the same town with for the rest of her life.

But Heather blunders into putting her and fiance Mark on a plane to go fetch her parents, and that leads to cancellations and complications for the snowy holiday wedding. Jane will have to pitch in, and fall for the wedding planner Sue (Rivkah Reyes) as she samples the menu, cakes and what not.

The script seems to skip over the whole “gaydar” thing, or simple “confessional” scene that puts the two 30somethings on the same page in terms of sexual orientation. That makes everything that happens afterwards, including the inevitable “near disaster,” play as clumsy, awkward and under-motivated.

The performances are competent in a place-holder sense. Nobody has an edge, not even the “Bridezilla.” There’s no spark to anybody in this, and that carries over to the necessity for “romantic sparks” as well.

Marsha Warfield plays the banker who might want to “save the farm,” but can’t as her hands are tied. She’s almost funny, ranting about overpriced holiday-accented coffee to a barista.

As for filmmakers Paul Schneider (No, not THAT Paul Schneider) and Alicia Schneider, there’s an object lesson in “A Holiday I Do.” And not just a grammar one (it should be “A Holiday ‘I Do.'”).

When it comes to treacly romances set in snowy, Christmasy rural America, go Hallmark or go home.

Rating: unrated, PG “Hallmark movie” tame

Cast: Lindsay Hicks, Rivkah Reyes, Jill Larson, India Chappell, Joe Piazza and Marsha Marfield.

Credits: Directed by Paul Schneider and Alicia Schneider, scripted by Melinda Bryce. A Tello release.

Running time: 1:31