Netflixable? Those lovesick Poles take another shot at “Squared Love: Everlasting”

Well, thank God that “Squared Love” romance is settled and done with. Again.

Those crazy lovebirds, teacher Monika (Adrianna Chlebicka) and high-living influencer Enzo (Mateusz Banasiuk) have had not one but TWO Polish rom-coms to fall hard and tie the knot. And yet here we are again.

How DID they manage to avoid the altar this long?

“Sometimes life has other plans for you,” we learn, in voice over under a parade of botched Big Proposal moments.

The third film — “Squared Love: Everlasting” — is a tad exhausted and a bit of “deja vu all over again,” but at least the “obstacles” to true love are more interesting this time out.

Monika’s about to take over as principal at her elementary school. Enzo’s social media presence is maturing.

Now yes NOW the time is FINALLY right to tie the knot. No, they haven’t worked out that whole “I want a son!”/”I’m not ready to start a family” thing. But surely the stars are aligning…

Except for some problems with Enzo’s birth certificate, which will require him and his brother Andrejz (Krzysztof Czeczot) to revisit Uncle Wiktor, the parish priest in their hometown, and a guy who keeps score and kept receipts.

Enzo has “unfinished business,” he is told. It involves something he did to Ewa (Eva), one of his exes.

Ah, but which Ewa? This one, or that one (met in a montage)? When he finally finds the “right” Ewa (Ina Sobala), the complications grow more complicated. She’s an impulsive, flaky artist and single-mom. Might the little boy be Enzo’s?

In a flash, Ewa has taken over his schedule, derailed his wedding plans and imposed fatherhood on Enzo, with poor Monika facing sabotage in her new job from the jerk principal who just retired, with no support from the baffled and overwhelmed Enzo.

Meanwhile, Monika’s garage-owning Dad (Miroslaw Baka) is finding that courting a wealthy widow isn’t easy when her greedy adult son is involved.

Sobala’s Ewa has a hint of manic-pixie-dream-girl about her, a 30something dervish of irritating impositions, bad decisions, bad mothering, use and throw-herself-at-Enzo irritations.

The messiness piling onto the plot here doesn’t add up to much amusing, just fresh challenges for the drifting-apart couple to try and cope with (in Polish with subtitles, or dubbed into English).

I laughed once, at a church scene, when an organist forced to fill time before a ceremony starts turning to the Scott Joplin songbook.

For just a couple of bars, he is “The Entertainer.”

As for the movie? It’s no better or worse than the first two films, PG-rated pablum at best, a pointless time-suck at worst.

Rating: TV-14

Cast: Adrianna Chlebicka, Mateusz Banasiuk, Ina Sobala and Miroslaw Baka

Credits: Directed by Filip Zylber, scripted by Natalia Matuszek and Wiktor Piatkowski. A Netflix release.

Running time: 1:42

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About Roger Moore

Movie Critic, formerly with McClatchy-Tribune News Service, Orlando Sentinel, published in Spin Magazine, The World and now published here, Orlando Magazine, Autoweek Magazine
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