Movie Nation

Lots of familiar faces fill this trailer to a potential blockbuster. If COVID will allow it.

Hulu has this March 3 release, and surrounded the Oscar nominated Seyfried with some pretty big names to tell the story of the hustler who headed the fake blood testing firm Theranos.

May.

A creature feature from Shudder, this bikinis and blood bonanza is available for ogling in mid March.

No matter how much “Marry Me” seems to be tailor-made for actress, pop star and “unlucky at love” celebrity Jennifer Lopez, it’s no more her story than “Notting Hill” was simply about Julia Roberts.

Both are comic wish fulfillment fantasies in which famous women decide they can only find love with ordinary Joes. So in these cases, the “wish fulfillment” is EveryGuy’s.

And all this stuff about a globally famous “brand” and “influencer” and paparazzi target, famous for being famous and infamous for failed romances (which sometimes end in suggestions of cheating)? That’s got to be from the comic book this is based on and not Lopez’s own punchline-littered love life, right?

Any “Notting Hill: The Musical” comparison here is an easy fit, as both of these films feature superstars playing superstars, only as moon-eyed romantics and with all their sharp edges buffed off. You’ve got to be mercenary, self-absorbed and tough as nails to thrive under the media microscope of such fame, and if there’s a big gripe I’d throw out there about this sweet, generally-charming and family-friendly romance, it’s this idealized and psychologically-uncomplicated portrait of our star.

But Lopez, who sings and dances and social media influences her fanbase as Kat Lopez, hasd never looked more stunning on the screen. And she plays the heck out of Kat’s vulnerability, a star on the backside of 40 dueting with Bastian (Maluma) a song titled “Marry Me” which could be an award winner, with a New York mid-concert wedding to “the love of my life” during her concert stand there.

That blows up, as these things do in the cell-phone stalking era, with video that catches him cheating. Her mid-performance “wedding” is off, her near-tears confessional about her search for love barely hinting at the humiliation she’s just suffered.

But there’s this guy, a math teacher (Owen Wilson) bullied into taking his little fangirl (Chloe Coleman) by gay Kat fangirl Parker (Sarah Silverman), is standing out in the sea of fans, holding a “Marry Me” placard he’s been handed.

Damned if Kat, standing in Liberace’s idea of a wedding dress on stage, doesn’t take this lifeline from that “random albino” and offer a glazed “Yes” to his offer.

Charlie “the guy” is summoned. An officiant asks do you “take this guy to be your lawfully” you-know-what, and Kat says “Yes” again. And this deer-in-headlights single dad takes in the hurt in her as-vulnerable-as-she-gets superstar’s eyes, and replies “Sure.”

This is the viewer’s check in or check out point in “Marry Me.” Maybe ten, twenty years ago, we’d have all thought “Oh come on.” Then we catch the gossip on who Pete Davidson’s dating, who Colin Jost married and whoever Julia Roberts ended up with, and we think, “Oh this could totally happen.”

In our image-obsessed, social-media massaging era, it might go down just like this, with NDAs and quid pro quo and an omnipresent cameraman as they marry, and then sort of get to know one another during press conferences, “Today Show” appearances, or as they get into makeup backstage.

Kat can show her cunning when she frets over how “I’ll look crazy” for going through with this. Her manager (John Bradley of “Game of Thrones” and “Moonfall”) is there to correct her.

“ER. You’ll look ‘crazy-ER.'”

Like any social media animal, she knows the idea is to change the subject, from “punch line” to “impulsive, without a plan,” at her first joint press appearance with her new “husband.” “But look where my plans have got me.”

Charlie seems to get that like much of what’s on social media, “It’s not real. It’s all a facade.” But damned if he doesn’t charm the press, as well as this rich, famous stranger in distress sitting to his right.

Here’s why this works. Wilson’s disarming, querulous sincerity and sweetness just washes over the movie, the viewing audience and ever-glamorous Ms. Jennifer Lopez. If one thinks “She cast him for some of the same reasons Kat takes on Charlie,” one won’t be alone. He makes her vulnerability believable and softens her appeal, from dancer/bombshell/sex object to that famous phrase from “Notting Hill” — “Just a girl.”

Sure, it’s all so sugary it can make your teeth ache. But listen to the math teacher’s advice to his math-whiz daughter, “If you sit in the question, the answer will find you.” It may not be profound, but it’s adorable.

Director Kato Coiro of Peacock/Hulu’s “Girls5Eva” and Neflix’s “Dead to Me,” has this story proceed at a screen romance pace, because it’s not a punchy and punchline-heavy rom-com.

Silverman is here to give the movie the little edge it manages, taking over Charlie’s post-nup “negotiation” with Kat’s manager. As in “Moonfall,” Bradley seems cast because he looks enough like Ricky Gervais that one expects him to be funny. He tries his best.

Stephen Wallum from “Nurse Jackie” plays the Kat-fan school choir director, because you know there are going to be school visits, choral serenades to Kat, dance lessons for the Pi-Thons, the math team Charlie coaches, and a real date.

“Are you inviting me to the school dance?”

Lopez has had plenty of ups and downs in her film and public career, and this catches her in a post-“Hustlers” high. Wilson’s been reduced to mostly just the films made by his earliest champion, Wes Anderson’s.

But “Marry Me” gives them both an engaging if undemanding romantic outing, newfangled enough to be social media-current, old fashioned enough to warrant bringing the whole family. Just remember to brush your teeth afterwards.

Rating: PG-13 for some language and suggestive material

Cast: Jennifer Lopez, Owen Wilson, Maluma, Sarah Silverman, John Bradley, Stephen Wallum and Chloe Coleman.

Credits: Directed by Kat Coiro, scripted by Harper Dill and John Rogers, based on the graphic novel by Bobby Crosby. A Universal release.

Running time: 1:52

Tony quaint and upscale Windermere, in Orange Co. where Orlando is, made the news as the planned retirement retreat for the apparently overpaid cop who murdered George Floyd, set America on edge with protests and finally got people made enough to do something about the seditious bigot in the White House.

Today, Roger DVDseed had to stop here and write a bit, so MovieNation and Indie Pix donated a DVD of a drama about a Muslim woman fighting for her rights after being fired for making colleagues uncomfortable by her presence…in France.

Yes, we’re spreading cinema all over the southeast, one movie and one public library at a time.

Donate your DVDs to libraries, kids.

“I Want You Back” is a rom-com that sort of drifts along, not quite petering out, not exactly sparking to life, until that magical moment when Pete Davidson shows up.

No, nobody said that. Ever. But with the Lorne as my witness, it’s true.

Davidson shows up at a girls-pick-up-guys party, a punk given to dating well beneath his age. And with a little “molly,” a hint of edge and a dose of gonzo, he helps the film earn its R-rating and find something like its mojo. There are laughs, and a little sexual slapstick enters the picture.

It doesn’t save this “let’s break up our exes’ new relationships” rom-com, a variation on an “Addicted to Love” model. It’s not down and dirty, and not remotely as sophisticated as its “When Harry Met Sally” soundtrack suggested they wanted it to be. The pace is New Orleans brass band procession funereal, and it goes on well past its payoff. But it does give us a taste of what could have been, before the bitter aftertaste sets in.

Jenny Slate is Emma, and we meet her just as personal trainer beau Noah (Scott Eastwood) is dumping her in the middle of her second Lover’s Punch. On the other side of Atlanta, Anne (Gina Rodriguez) is giving bubbly Peter (Charlie Day) the heave-ho at her nephew’s birthday party.

Emma and Peter “meet cute” in the stairwell of the building where both work, where he catches her weeping, and she notices he’s doing the same.

Over drinks, cell phone video reminiscences of their “couple” days and drunken karaoke, they become each other’s “sad sister,” the one they call when they’re tempted to call their ex. And at some point during their dinners, nights at the movies and such, a “Strangers on a Train” plot is hatched. She’ll “seduce” the middle school drama teacher Logan (Manny Jacinto, pretentiously funny) whom Anne took up with. And he’ll befriend Noah to trash talk his new lady love, the fetching pie maker Jenny (Clark Backo). What could go wrong?

“This is like ‘Cruel Intentions,’ only sexier!”

The former stand-up comic Slate banters well, and still can do the cute and “nobody loves me” thing with panache, if not a lot of laughs. Day’s lost some of his “Always Sunny in Philadelphia/Horrible Bosses” fastball and aged out of that manic screeching thing he does when he’s put out.

Together, they set off so few sparks that you remember why legacy studios gave up on each of them (Slate fares better in indie films) years ago. They’re cute support, not leading lady/man material.

Eastwood and Rodriguez aren’t known for comedy…with good reason.

Which leaves the picture’s light touch in the hands of screenwriters who don’t have enough jokes and a director who lets things go on and on when somebody should have said “FASTER” to the cast and “FUNNIER” to the writers.

So Davidson comes in and kills. And that’s after Jamie Gertz, playing Peter’s penny pinching nursing home conglomerate boss, has landed the only decent laugh in the first act.

“These people are at death’s door and we are spending WAY too much money to feed them!”

If they’d workshopped this to figure out more to do with Day, or simply made the film from Slate’s point of view, things might have improved. Slate has some sweet scenes befriending a depressed middle school kid.

And when Slate’s Emma is corralled into subbing for Audrey in the middle school’s “Little Shop of Horrors” because she lied to director Logan about having “played” her in high school, all part of her planned “seduction,” “I Want You Back” shows everybody involved and everybody watching it could have been funnier, sweeter and darker at the same time.

Rating: R for language, sexual material, some drug use and partial nudity

Cast: Jenny Slate, Charlie Day, Gina Rodriguez, Scott Eastwood, Clark Backo, Manny Jacinto and Pete Davidson.

Credits: Directed by Jason Orley, scripted by Isaac Aptaker and Elizabeth Berger. An Amazon release.

Running time: 1:52

No Drew Barrymore this time. But Ryan Kiera Armstrong appears to have what it takes to be very young and scary.

Zac Efron, Gloria Ruben and “Was that Kurtwood Smith?” co-star in this one, in theaters and on Peacock May 13.

Perhaps you’ve heard of the Himalayan nation of Bhutan’s pursuit of “Gross National Happiness.” It’s this gloriously progressive ideal aimed at prioritizing well-being and a satisfying, even joy-filled life over international capitalism’s national scorecard — gross domestic product.

But who knew this remote, impassibly mountainous country could export that?

“Lunana: A Yak in the Classroom” is a sweet, understated and wistfully beautiful film about an antsy young cynic sent to teach in the most remote schoolhouse on Earth. He is ordered to Lunana to fulfill his national service. What he’d prefer is traveling to Australia to sing English language pop covers in the bars on Bondi Beach.

But what’s a self-absorbed lad to do when the entire village worshipfully welcomes him, pouring respect on a teacher, someone who “can touch the future?” What’ll he do when he sees the eager faces of the moppets who will be under his care?

If he’s like a lot of people who watch this film, Bhutan’s first-ever contender as a Best International (foreign language) Feature at this year’s Academy Awards, he might just cry.

Writer-director Pawo Choyning Dorji’s debut feature starts in the city where Ugyen Dorji (Sherab Dorji) is getting a good, old-fashioned chewing-out from his government supervisor. A nation filled with yak herders and monks is a place where most folks would sacrifice everything for a government job. Ugyen would rather play his guitar and sing Creedence Clearwater Revival’s “Have You Ever Seen the Rain?” He’s waiting for his travel visa to clear so he and his girlfriend can escape to Australia.

“I have never SEEN anyone less motivated that you” his boss hisses (in Dzongkha, with English subtitles). He’s been a bust at the city schools of Thimphu. As he owes one last year of service, maybe shipping his shiftless behind to Lunana, in the literal middle of nowhere, will change his ways and help the government reopen the school there, passing “gross national happiness” on to the 56 or so souls who inhabit the place.

“I have an altitude problem!” he lies. “Are you Bhutanese? “ATTITUDE problem’ is more like it!”

After a sluggish start, “Lunana” gets on its feet and on the road. Ugyen sets off — a day by bus, seven days of hiking and complaining — just to get to the village 4,800 meters up.

He and his guide Michen (Ugyen Norbu Lhendup) pass through settlements down to their last three residents, wade streams where his market-stall bought “Gortex” waterproof boots turn out to be knockoffs, and climb through some of the most breathtaking scenery on Earth.

Michen has noticed the snow pack shrinking, even though he’s never heard the phrase “Global Warming.” Ugyen barely notices. He’s got his headphones on, listening to his jams on his phone. He may expect his cell service coverage to end, but he has no idea how hard even recharging the thing will be.

“Solar…sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.”

And that’s the least of his problems. The ancient stone school has no supplies. His living space for the summer and fall — he is due to leave before the snow blocks him in — is Spartan and cold, with only yak dung to burn for warmth and cooking. He meets the respectful head man (Kanzang Wangdi) and the villagers who hike for hours to escort him in, and cannot disguise his dismay or hold his tongue.

He doesn’t want to be here, and is ready to leave. Now.

But as in a thousand other “fish out of water” tales, things change, attitudes soften. The “class captain,” little Pem Zam, is too cute for words, eager to learn and awfully helpful since Ugyen no longer has a cell phone alarm to wake him in time for school.

He finds himself improvising, using charcoal on the walls since there’s no blackboard. He’s bilingual, so he teaches nursery rhymes in Dzongkha, math in English. Might he fit in? Be useful after all?

“Maybe I was a yak herder in a previous life,” he jokes to the head man. “Oh noooo. You could have been a YAK. They are so useful to our people.”

And then there’s this other singer in town, a yak herder with an angel’s voice. She’s cute, too.

Writer-director Dorji has a few stumbling steps out of the gate, with characters’ awkwardly running through paragraphs of exposition filling in Ugyen’s unhappy childhood and his inescapable fate in early scenes. But his debut feature settles down and immerses us in rituals — offering yak milk to shrines in mountain passes, not to the dead but to the spirits of the mountains — and Bhutanese life, which is simple enough to be called impoverished by much of the rest of the world.

The film invites us to imagine interior lives, a narrowing of the “pursuit of happiness” to tasks at hand, modest goals, music, food and love.

As our pandemic waxes and wanes, “Lunana” becomes one of the great cinematic escapes of recent years.

You go ahead and root for the Japanese “Drive My Car” this Oscar night. I’ve picked out an underdog to pull for, and a bucket list place to visit, “altitude problems” be damned.

Rating: unrated

Cast: Sherab Dorji, Pem Zam, Ugyen Norbu Lhendup, Kelden Lhamo Gurung and Kunzang Wangdi

Credits: Scripted and directed by Pawo Choyning Dorji. A Samuel Goldwyn release.

Running time: 1:50

At this reductivist stage of his career, does Liam Neeson even need to “take a meeting,” look at a script or sign on the dotted line?

It’s not like he’s just remade “Taken” in every movie since 2008, but every CIA, ex-CIA, FBI, ex-FBI or ex-con he plays dresses the same, scowls the same and has identical “particular skills.” The odd digression from formulaic genre action pics arrives as just that — odd. None of us know quite what to make of it.

Reviewing his movies along this path from his late 50s to age 70 (this coming June) is challenging because the siren’s song of reductivism calls to us — well, me — too. I’d love to just post the latest version of the above-photo, say “It is what it is,” and “those who like this sort of thing might find this the sort of thing they like,” to paraphrase pioneering critic Abe Lincoln.

But no. Duty calls.

In “Blacklight” Neeson plays Travis Block, a veteran FBI agent whom you call when you need the man to get you or an endangered uncover agent out of a jam. We meet as he blows up a lot of stuff to distract Confederate flag-fetishist yahoos who have figured out they’ve been infiltrated, and threaten to overwhelm the outgunned local Southern law enforcement to lynch the lady.

Agent Block is the trusted “fixer” for an FBI chief (Aidan Quinn) who seems to be running his own “make America Nazi friendly” op. We’ve seen an outspoken AOC-style Congresswoman assassinated in another opening scene.

There’s a rogue agent (Taylor John Smith) who knows about this super secret death squad operation trying to get the attention of a reporter (Emma Raver-Lampman) at the website Washington News Cycle (the single clever turn of phrase in this script).

Thugs working for that crypto-fascist FBI chief are silencing people like this reporter or that agent.

Will Agent Block finally get to step back, retire, be the doting granddad to his “check the perimeter” obsessed pre-school grandchild (“You’re making her PARANOID Dad!” her mom, played by Claire Van der Boom, complains.)?

Nah.

Neeson always gives fair value in these woebegone, quick-and-dirty actioners. But closing in on 70, the fakery meant to show him brawling or driving too fast and what not isn’t that subtle.

Quinn seems too bored to give this villainous turn much effort, as were the screenwriters, who don’t make that revelation anything resembling a spoiler. We know pretty from the get go that this guy’s a power mad Federalist Society fascist.

After the over-the-top slaughter of “Cop Shop,” co-writer/director Mark Williams practically sleep walks through this — filler scenes, a talkathon through the middle acts, an anticlimactic finale.

The money on the screen was spent on a few action beats and Neeson. Nobody else in this passes for a “name,” and it’s probably to their advantage that none of them make an impression.

But whatever advantage there was to keeping his name out there and his Hollywood quote up has gone South for Neeson at this point. About one in five of these films has anything of a redeeming value in it. The other four are just more “Where’d YOU come from?” complaints from the baddies he’s snuck up on, and more “You’re gonna need more MEN” threats from the ex-boxer who grows a little more grandfatherly and a tad less badass with each passing year.

Rating: PG-13 for strong violence, action and language

Cast: Liam Neeson, Aidan Quinn, Emma Raver-Lampman, Taylor John Smith, Claire Van der Boom.

Credits: Directed by Mark Williams, scripted by Nick May and Mark Williams. A Briarcliff Ent. release.

Running time: 1:44