Netflixable? Come to Mallorca, “Fall for Me”

“Fall for Me” is a sexy German thriller flavored with mystery and intrigue and set on the Spanish vacation island of Mallorca.

Director Sherry Hormann (“A Regular Woman,” “Desert Flower”) and screenwriter Stephanie Sycholt (“Themba”) get the sex and the scenery right. Its the “mystery,” “intrigue” and “thrills” that are the picture’s undoing.

Lilli, played by Svenja Jung, is a sexy 30ish German bank auditor — because in Germany there are such creatures — who travels to Mallorca to check in on younger sister Valeria (Tijan Marei). Vale has big plans. She’s bought into the idea of buying and running a finca as an inn with her new fiance.

Manu (Victor Meutelet)? He’s ready for these big steps because A) he’s in love her Vale and B) he’s managing a local hotel.

But to realize their dreams, Vale needs Lilli to sign off on selling their late mother’s seaside acreage and run-down estate. Lilli the bank auditor starts to wonder if this deal is exactly what it seems.

But there’s this distractingly handsome bartender Tom (Theo Thebs) who turns out to be the manager of a chic local nightclub. Their flirtation is hot, turning hotter still, all in the space of one steamy night on the balcony of that very nightclub.

But Lilli’s cautious. One more time, “Bank auditor.” She’s curious about this fancy finca her sister and Manu arranged for her to stay in. She’s suspicious of Manu’s motives and questions her sister’s judgement. She wonders about the real estate broker (Thomas Kretschmann of “The Pianist”) Nick, who seems in a hurry to rush this deal through.

And then she meets Manu’s ex (Anje Traue) and the scheme and the movie’s plot and our investment in it start to unravel. She hasn’t forgotten about Tom, but if she can’t guess how he connects to all this, she’s a lot slower than your average Netflix viewer.

It must cost a fortune to film on Mallorca, in and around the Riviera-chic small city of Palma. So director Hormann gives us Edenic beaches and rocky cliffs above the gin-clear sea, in addition to posh homes, a hotel and a club.

Lots of cool, upscale places to make out. Because that’s where this romance novel of a mystery’s emphasis is.

The performers are (mostly) credible, even if the situations and reactions to them are not.

Damn this script is dumb. We’re meant to buy into some ongoing real-estate grift involving pretty boy honey pots, with all the principals tucked on a tiny island with nowhere to lay low or hide out after the grift.

Lilli makes accusations and walks into what’s sure to be dangerous situations heedless of her peril. The few twists are as subtle as Chekhov’s gun, which makes its entrance in the first act, sure to take a curtain call in the third, as if the screenwriter just learned about it and tries to apply it to her latest assignment.

According to her credits, the South African Sycholt peaked early and has made a living concocting crap for decades since.

As for her latest? Sexual allure be damned, be smarter than Lilli. Don’t fall for it.

Rating: TV-MA, violence, sex, nudity, profanity

Cast: Svenja Jung, Theo Thebs, Tijan Marei, Victor Meutelet, Antje Traue, Lucía Barrado and Thomas Kretschmann.

Credits: Directed by Sherry Hormann. scripted by Stephanie Sycholt. A Netflix release.

Running time: 1:45

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Movie Preview: Remaking Hitchcock with “Coyotes” instead of “Birds?”

Yeah, that’s a reach. This nature-at-its-most-monstrous thriller is played for twisted laughs, with Justin Long and Kate Bosworth as a couple trying to survive a pack’s attack on their privileged lives.

Brittany Allen and Norbert Leo Butz also star.

October 3.

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Movie Preview: Hugh Jackman and Kate Hudson make The Holidays One Big Sing-Along — “Song Sung Blue”

A Vietnam Vet Neil Diamond “interpreter” meets his muse, the daughter of a Hudson Brother.

A “comeback” for Kate and for “Hustle & Flow” writer-director Craig Brewer?

As your friendly neighborhood Scarecrow might put it.

“JOY! RAPTURE!

This opens Christmas Day, and really, who had Hugh, the Greatest Triple Threat of his era, and Kate Hudson as the duet you needed for a little holiday cheer?

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Movie Preview: A Halloween Comedy about Pumpkin-cultivating in Limey Land — “Grow”

Kid friendly, with Nick Frost, Jane Horrocks and Tim McInnerny among the familiar faces in this Fathom Entertainment release set for Oct. 3.

Looks very cute, and the director did “Anna and the Apocalypse.” Worth a go, no?

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Movie Preview: Count them. There Must be more than Seven — “Samurai Fury”

Epic much?

Oct. 7.

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Movie Review: “The Map that Leads to You,” via Spain, Portugal and Rome

A pretty and capable young cast and a grand tour of the sights of Northern Spain and Portugal recommend “The Map that Leads to You,” a sweet nothing of a travelogue with lots of wish fulfillment fantasy about it.

Madelyn Cline of “Outer Banks” and “I Know What You Did Last Summer” stars as Heather, a Texan organizing herself and two college pals (Sofia Wylie and Madison Thompson) through a post-grad summer trip through Europe.

Amy (Thompson) may be hooking-up and partying her way past a broken heart, but Heather is on-schedule and sticking to the plan. That plan entails no missed trains or flights, lots of travel guide tips and a job she has waiting for her back in New York when they get home.

Connie? She’s the mediator between the two.

Then handsome Kiwi Jack (KJ Apa of “Riverdale” and “I Still Believe”) boards their train to Barcelona, climbs up onto the overhead luggage rack to nap, and charms all-business Heather into drifting away from her “Lonely Planet sights” of Europe itinerary.

She’s reading “The Sun Also Rises,” which is a tad “on the nose” for a trip to Spain. But so is he. She’s sticking to a schedule, but he’s a “no plans,” “live in the moment” New Zealander…who is also on a planned route. He’s following his great grandfather’s journal, a travel diary about his trek through Europe after serving in WWII.

Jack is smitten and persistent. Heather isn’t put off. Connie? She’s taken with Jack’s Aussie pal Raef (Orlando Norman). They’re both a tad too distracted to stop Amy’s impulsive parade of poor decisions.

But while the blunder that has her tumbling into a worldwise Brit may almost cost her the passport and belongings she’s toting across The Continent, it sets up the “wish fulfillment fantasy” part of this story. They rob the robber of enough cash to enjoy a free-spending extension of their vacations.

They not only see the Gaudí wonders of Barcelona. Jack rents them a Mercedes convertible to tool up the coast to Port Lligat, and the Salvador Dali house there.

They dash over to Bilbao and San Sebastian on the Atlantic Coast, cut back to Pamplona to run with the bulls, and detour down to Porto and Lisbon in Portugal, all of these places listed in the journal of Jack’s great grandpa Russell, who might have fought at Monte Cassino, because there’s an Italian destination in Jack’s plans as well.

Of course a simmering slow romance is part of this journey, with Jack’s secrets and Heather’s trust issues and evasive calls from worried dad (Josh Lucas) back in Texas as our new college grad indulges and is indulged in every whim Jack whips up.

“Does it,” meaning the budding romance, “mean anything?” “Why would it? We’re leaving tomorrow?”

The leads have just enough chemistry to make them credible as a couple. The supporting roles are consistently underwritten, and when they have their “moments,” they’re barely bland enough to merit mention.

The ending is abrupt and a romance novel cliche. Or two.

But director Lasse Hallström has been making romances of all varieties (“Chocolat,” “The Hundred Foot Journey,” “Safe Haven,””Dear John”) so long he could make this sweet nothing play in his sleep.

He doesn’t doze off on this one, though we suspect the shoot had plenty of siestas, as there’s little that’s demanding or surprising or amounts to anything more than a Crema Calatana, an Iberian dessert that’s skipped the main course.

Rating: PG-13, fisticuffs, drug references, nudity, some profanity

Cast: Madelyn Cline, KJ Apa, Sofia Wylie, Madison Thompson, Orlando Norman and Josh Lucas.

Credits:Directed by Lasse Hallström, scripted by Vera Herbert and Leslie Bohem, based on a novel by J.P. Monninger. An MGM release on Amazon.

Running time: 1:38

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Movie Preview: Dafoe’s a Rich Tyrant who Celebrates “The Birthday Party”

There are no billionaires like Greek billionaires, right?

Vic Carmen Sonne, Emma Suárez, Elsa Lekakou and Maria Pau Pigem are the women at this “Welcome to my island” oligarch’s “family” and powerful friends birthday party.

Joe Cole plays “The Journalist,” a witness to everything that goes down.

It’s finishing its festival run. Theatrical? Or straight to streaming?

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Movie Preview: Glenn Close, Kerry Washington, Josh Brolin, Mila Kunis, Jeremy Renner — “Knives Out 3: Wake Up Dead Man”

A monsignor is the murder victim in this third Rian Johnson/Daniel Craig whodunnit, with Cailee Spaeny, Thomas Haden Church, Josh O’Connor and Andrew Scott also on board.

Craig is plainly having his Best Post Bond Career, I do declare.

Nov. 26 in cinemas, Dec. 12 on Netflix.

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Movie Preview: Mads Mikkelsen protects a little girl from “Monsters” real and imagined — “Dust Bunny”

Sigourney Weaver and David Dastmalchian also star in this holiday (Dec.) thriller from Bryan Fuller, who scripted a lot of “Star Trek” episodes, and created TV’s “Hannibal” for Mads.

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Movie Review: “Squid Game” Star Brings Swagger to “Yadang: The Snitch”

Dirty cops, corrupt prosecutors and tainted politicians collide in “Yadang: The Snitch,” a twisty thriller about how drugs not only kill people, they stain every corner of The State that they touch.

The debut feature of Hwang Byeong-guk is built as a star vehicle for “Squid Games” phenom Kang Ha-neul — all smiles, style and swagger as the title character, the “liaison” between law enforcement and the drug users, dealers and kingpins they pursue.

A cluttered opening keeps the picture from finding its footing quickly, and a rather infantile “Let’s explain what just happened to slower viewers” antic-climax robs the finale of some of its sting.

But it’s well-cast, and well-acted and the plot, once we get hold of it, has plenty to keep the viewer engaged.

Lee Kang-soo (Kang) is a well-compensated snitch who agreed to this dangerous work after being set-up by a customer in his previous profession, ride-share driving.

Ambitious Prosecutor Goo (veteran character actor Kim Geum-soon) knows Kang-soo was set up. But there’s no retrial or freedom for him without a “deal.” He starts informing on inmates running a drug gang from inside prison, wins his freedom and soon tools the means streets in a luxury SUV, naming names, fingering middle men and women and helping the prosecutor rise through the ranks.

Prosecutor Goo (“Ku” in the subtitles) is even moved to call Kang-soo “bro.”

Our snitch doesn’t have much of an interior life. But if he has a rationalization for what he does, it might be what he relates to one hapless victim.

“The world’s longest-lived junkies are Korean (in Korean with English subtitles). Because the cops lock you up before you OD!”

Another cog in the machinery of law enforcement is two-fisted cop, Det. Oh (Park Hae-joon of “12.12: The Day”). He busts a young actress, Uhm Soo-jin (Chae Won-bin) with drugs on her and turns her into another snitch.

But her connection to hard-partying, high-living Cho Hoon (Ryu Kyung-soo), the son of a presidential candidate, could be everyone’s undoing. The favors the prosecutor doles out, the pecking order of drug bosses, the detective’s ongoing investigations and the presidential race could turn on who double-crosses whom, and who figures out they need to team up in order to expose the wrongdoers, and survive exposing them.

Screenwriter Kim Hyo-seok, who adapted John Woo’s “A Better Tomorrow” for a Korean remake, fills the middle acts of “Yadang” with intrigues on top of intrigues — a “French Connection II” twist (turning your victim into an addict), new drugs from North Korea, gangsters making deals to get rivals taken down and secret videos that could be a lot of people’s undoing.

Kang vamps up his character, waggling his cigarette with his teeth, taking beatings, grinning and laughing off the perilous spot his snitch is in.

Park’s detective serves up Six Degrees of Outrage as he finds himself outflanked by crooks and a prosecutor with his own “special unit” set up to serve “justice” and his unhinged ambition, and not in that order.

Chae Won-bin’s role is painfully underwritten, the curse of many a macho Korean thriller.

But the various subplots collide in entertaining ways, and the “payback” chapters are full of surprises, which are easy enough to understand without the tedious business of throwing in anti-climactic flashbacks to ensure everybody “gets” why this or that happened and why any of it makes sense.

We got it. We were paying attention.

Rating: unrated, graphic violence, drug abuse, sex, profanity

Cast: Kang Ha-neul, Yoo Hae-jin, Chae Won-bin, Park Hae-joon, Kim Geum-soon, Yoo Seong-ju and Ryu Kyung-soo

Credits: Directed by Hwang Byeong-guk, scripted by Kim Hyo-seok. A Well Go USA release.

Running time: 2:02

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