What manner of miscalculated meshuggagh mashup is this?

“Your Monster” is a “personal demons” rom-com take on “Beauty and the Beast,” one with the beast willing to offer to “eat” the creep who jilted fair Laura when she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer.

“It would literally take like, two seconds!”

It’s not romantic. The comedy is thin, the frights meant to be jokes (cough cough) and the “monster” disappears for much of the later second act and earlier third one.

But it does have “In the Heights” singer and “Scream” and “Scream IV” screamer Melissa Barrera, so let’s see if we can find something other than her in this “anti-romantic comedy” to endorse.

That’s the spin actress turned first-time feature writer-director Carolina Lindy has given her movie. But movie critics review the movie, not the “director’s statement..” Well, those of us who know we’re being “spun,” anyway.

Barrera plays a not-ready-for-Broadway baby who’s put in five years with her playwright/paramour Jacob (Edmund Donovan), helping him write, polish and workshop the musical that could be his big break, “House of Good Women.”

As he’s taken suggestions and based the heroine, Laurie, on Laura, Jacob does the right thing and promises her the lead. It’ll be her “big break,” too.

But her getting diagnosed with The Big C kind of cuts into his creative process and “me” time. He drops her like a rotten potato. She’s left to weep on the shoulder of the Amazon delivery guy who refreshes her supply of Kleenex, and take comfort from her dizzy actress “ride or die” Mazy (Kayle Foster).

It’s at this low ebb, with the show entering auditions and Laura not invited, that the beast who lived under her bed and in her closet growing-up re-appears.

“You don’t remember me? At all?”

Nope, thus the screaming.

The ill-tempered monster tries to get her out of the house she grew up in — “I don’t do roommates!” — and failing that, instead sticks around to buck our gal up since she’s feeling low.

She insists that “I was just very helpful in the development process” of the show, but her Monster isn’t hearing it. She makes excuses for her ex, but he’s quick to give Jacob a new nickname — “Limp d–k f-ck-face!”

That’s what makes Laura summon up the guts to audition, shock Jacob and win the role…of understudy. That way she gets a front-row seat for his lust for his new leading lady (Meghann Fahy) and what she’s doing to Laura’s role and her show.

Ask any comic and they’ll tell you shock-value profanity is the weakest crutch in comedy. That’s too much of what the monster has going for him, that and a decent “Beauty and the Beast” mask perhaps leftover from the first Broadway production of the Disney musical. Sitcom vet Dewey (“Casual,” “The Mindy Project,” “Now We’re Talking”) registers under the mask. But not much.

What little chemistry our leads develop is tossed aside for “rehearsing the show” and follow-up visits to her bloodwork nurse and oncologist in the later acts.

None of this is supposed to make much sense, and it doesn’t. The leads are OK, but the limp supporting cast is confined to generic roles — bitchy co-stars, dopey stage manager of the play, vapid “bestie,” cheerfully unconvincing doctor, grumpy nurse.

They aim for a sort of “anti-romantic” “cute” that never gets past cloying.

Movies connect with viewers in a lot of ways, but for me, that never happened as the disparate elements are dully executed by themselves and never really work together. The “musical” is clunky, the romance unromantic and neither the nostalgia (your childhood fear) nor the “Allow yourself to be angry” messaging landed.

I laughed three times, maybe four. And whatever “charms” it reached for vanish for the attempted over-the-top finale, which left me cold and didn’t come close to making the sale about the “Embrace your inner rage” spin this is allegedly about.

Rating: R, sex, implied violence, profanity

Cast: Melissa Barrera, Tommy Dewey, Edmund Donovan, Meghann Fahy and Kayla Foster

Credits: Scripted and directed by Caroline Lindy. A Vertical release.

Running time: 1:39