A cutesie calamity of a sci-fi cartoon, “Borderlands” tosses Oscar winners Cate Blanchett and Jamie Lee Curtis into an Eli Roth Cuisanart of crap, a movie where Kevin Hart should have been happy to take third, fourth or fifth billing.

No sense reminding everybody he’s in it. No reason to call attention to the run of poorly-picked roles — his parade of ill-advised Netflix and Amazon and now Lionsgate deals.

Not with Cate Blanchett as we’ve never seen her, in a movie so bad it’s no wonder her press tour for the film included questions about “Lord of the Rings.” Nobody, including her, wanted to talk about this.

“Borderlands” is a derivative mockery of sci-fi action comedies, from “Firefly/Serenity” to “Buckaroo Banzai,” “Guardians of the Galaxy” to “Ice Pirates” to a dozen other titles genre aficionadoes will recognize.

It has an annoyingly unfunny, constantly-chirping robot voiced by Jack Black, the worst choice for a robot voice since Slim Pickens in “The Black Hole.”

Roth, a hit or seriously miss filmmaker, whiffs on this one so hard that nobody who hires him for anything non-horror afterwards will have an excuse.

You were warned. A derivative sci-fi mashup first-person shooter video game that came out the same year as “Avatar” (let’s ALL name our alien worlds “Pandora”) was never going to make a graceful movie. Pandering, in that “Guardians of the Galaxy” way, was the goal here. Even that was an epic fail.

It takes some getting used to Blanchett, one of the finest screen actresses ever, swaggering around in metallic red hairdo, wearing the uniform of your typical space bounty hunter — holster and pistol, knives and sheathes, riot girl combat boots and “Tomb Raider” jodpurs.

Lilith is yanked away from her latest bounty by a mogul (Edgar Ramírez) in holographic form. His bratty daughter (Ariana Greenblatt) has been “kidnapped” by a former mercenary/employee (Hart). Lilith must return to the vast desert junkyard of Pandora to fetch her.

“It’s the kind of place you don’t ever want to return to,” she grouses, because that’s the best line Roth and Abercrombie could crib for her to recite.

There’s also this alien vault there, containing secrets of long-lost tech that “vault hunters” show up in their thousands to prospect for. That might be her cover as she sniffs around, but no.

And before you get your hopes up that Hart is tackling a villain role in an action comedy, that’s a big “No” as well. His character “Roland” has good intentions.

Joined by an annoying robot she loathes (Black), Lilith must hit up old contacts (Jamie Lee Curtis and Gina Gershon), enlist a hulking, masked “psycho” inmate (Florian Munteanu) to help her protect the murderously perky teen Tina (Greenblatt) once she’s “rescued” and put together the “keys” to this “vault” which they must find to save the galaxy from…whoever.

“Borderlands” is terrible on every level, a real Dog of August, in movie-lover shorthand.

The most impressive element to the film might be the derivative “world building,” accomplished on soundstages and locales in Budapest, Hungary.

There isn’t a line worth quoting, a plot point worth relating or a performance worth noting — save for Blanchett’s professionalism in the face of a fiasco, and Hart’s commitment to being the biggest badass as “the smallest soldier” anybody has ever seen.

The “mystery” here is how anybody thought giving Roth the money to make this mess was a good idea. But let’s go check the box office take. Like Elon, Eli has his cult and no evidence that he isn’t all that will shake their faith.

Rating: R,

Cast: Cate Blanchett, Jamie Lee Curtis, Kevin Hart, Ariana Greenblatt, Gina Gershon, Florian Munteanu, Janina Gavankar, Edgar Ramírez and the voice of Jack Black.

Credits: Directed by Eli Roth, scripted by Eli Roth and Joe Abercrombie. A Lionsgate release.

Running time: 1:42