Netflixable? New “Spy Kids” face “Armageddon”

While one can appreciate the idea that a talented filmmaker with style and edge would turn his attention to children’s films, and the Texas-based studio he founded to shoot them in, a new Robert Rodriguez “Spy Kids” installment always gives me a case of, “Awww, dude.”

As in “Aww, dude, ‘Hypnotic’ wasn’t all that bad, and there are all those cool credits you accumulated before it — ‘Sin City,’ ‘Once Upon a Time in Mexico,’ going back to ‘Desperado’ and ‘El Mariachi.’ But another movie with kiddie spies and spy gadgets?”

This latest reboot gets made-for-Netflix money, so many Troublemaker Studios gets a little more in the black. But even though the messaging is upbeat, the video game villain has Muskian overtones and it finishes well, it lacks the Spanglish spark that made the original films so much fun.

Gina Rodriguez isn’t a bad swap for Carla Gugino as the new “mom” who is a spy. But Zachary Levi is nobody’s idea of Antonio Banderas. He isn’t even his usual jovial self, here, thanks to a script so PG it’s like the “P” was washed right out of it.

And all the colorful villains and actors playing them from the past films hang over Billy Magnussen’s turn as Rey “The King” Kingston, the video game mogul who wants to cheat-code, hack and reboot The World.

Everly Carganilla is Patty and and Conor Esterson is Tony, the two “kids” who have no clue Mom and Dad work for the OSS. No, not THAT OSS.

The parents, Nora Torrez and Terrence Tango, are ordered to fend off whoever is trying to steal this “Armageddon Code.” They find themselves battling villainous figures based on Aztec warriors and Spanish conquistadors, with some Heck Knight as the ultimate foe. They don’t figure out they’re straight out of a video until they’re already hostages.

Their kids, meanwhile, have escaped to the “Safe House” lair where they finally put the “Ah, they’re SPIES” thing together. This digitally-advanced lair offers Spy Training lessons via tutorials rendered by their digitized parents.

When they figure out that the game Hyskor and its creator Rey Kingston are the villains, game-master Tony figures it’s his turn to shine.

These movies are always more humorous than this. Not only is the flippant Levi wasted in it, few other jokes land either.

Here’s one that did. Villainois minions raid the “safe house.” One of them is cautious.

“Careful! They could have…gadgets.”

A souped-up trike and deco-design boat-jet, a robotic crab drone and weapon-stashing bracelets are among the blase tech trotted out.

I also laughed at the pass code the kids have to recite to enter the lair. Aw, man, NOBODY in the Spanish speaking world wants to give their ENTIRE name to anyone.

“Patricia Angelita Sorrow Feliz Rhiannon Tango-Torrez!”

There’s novelty in their “find another way” around violence conflict resolution messsaging, the effects are excellent, if not quite at a Marvel level at the moment and it finishes well.

But bland leads, a story that feels similar to many other “Spy Kids” adventures and the paucity of colorful supporting players kind of washes the Spanish/Spanglish fun right out of this most Tex-Mex of kids’ franchises.

Rating: PG

Cast: Conor Esterson, Everly Carganilla, Gina Rodriguez, Zachary Levi and Billy Magnussen.

Credits: Directed by Robert Rodriguez, scripted by Robert Rodriguez and Racer Max. A Netflix release.

Running time: 1:37

About Roger Moore

Movie Critic, formerly with McClatchy-Tribune News Service, Orlando Sentinel, published in Spin Magazine, The World and now published here, Orlando Magazine, Autoweek Magazine
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