Vampires, lest we forget, are very old. How old? Grandma’s Consumer Cellular flip-phone-using old.

Some of them could stand to do some situps. And given their druthers, when they “vant to drink your blood,” they’d prefer to serve it to themselves in shot glasses.

Those are just some of the insights in the horror comedy anthology “Satanic Hispanics,” which turned five horror directors — “Blair Witch” icon Eduardo Sánchez serves us the chapter titled “El Vampiro” — loose on Latin legends and lore, with a little Tex-Mex mayhem to tie it all together.

Like all such anthology packages, “v.h.s.” and its sequels being the most famous horror collection of such short takes, it’s uneven. But when it’s good, it’s chilling, or in the case of “El Vampiro” and “The Hammer of Zanzibar” (directed by Alejandro Brugués), a guaranteed spit-take or two.

Cops roll up on a crime scene in El Paso, a scene of Mexican-American slaughter with a lone survivor. Call him “The Traveler” (“Napoleon Dynamite’s” Efren Ramirez). He’s the fellow two Texas detectives (Sonya Eddy, Greg Grunberg) interrogate, and that’s the connecting thread here.

The Traveler tells the skeptical, impatient cops that they have to let him go, that there’s a demon on his tail and that they have maybe 90 minutes to free him and/or prepare for the worst.

“You have no idea what is coming.”

Every time the police think they have him pinned down as to his name, his actual age and what really happened, he launches into another anecdote that becomes a flashback in the film. The Traveler has seen horror and its many Latin American faces.

An OCD Rubik’s cube champ (Demián Salomón) has a brain wired in such a way that he can “see” beyond, or perhaps open a portal that allows the dead to poke back into the world of the living just by manically waving his cell-phone flashlight and chanting an incantation at the colored glass that separates the rooms in his grandmother’s house South of the Border.

A murderous politician finds himself holed-up on his rural estate, waiting for the revenge and judgement of a witch (Gabriela Ruíz) from the Nahual native people of his region.

A portly vampire’s (Hemky Maera) Halloween bacchanal in a border town is interrupted by his longtime love (Patricia Velasquez) ringing him up and chewing him out for not grasping the Gringo concept of “Daylight Savings Time,” and what that means to someone who needs to be in his coffin and out of the prematurely returning daylight.

And a battered dude (Jonah Ray) meets his documentary filmmaker ex (Danielle Chaves) in “the restaurant where we broke up,” to find a little closure that gets out of hand.

The connecting interview segments are probably the weakest links here, lacking urgency on the part of the time-pressed Traveler and police who should be getting more anxious themselves. Other pieces seem so stand-alone they barely “fit” in the story the Travelor is weaving.

The jolts may be few, as most chapters focus on the don’t-look-away gruesomeness of what they serve up. But almost all of the jokes land, because when you’re trying to buy “The Hammer of Zanzibar” “We don’t really have time for a back-story, man,” which is exactly what they and we get, time after time after time.

Rating: R, bloody gore, sexual content, profanity

Cast: Efren Ramirez, Hemy Madera, Patricia Velasquez, Gabriela Ruíz, Demián Salomón, Sonya Eddy, Greg Grunberg and Jonah Ray

Credits: Directed by Alejandro Brugués, Mike Mendez, Eduardo Sánchez, Gigi Saul Guerrero and Demián Rugna, scripted by Peter Barnstrom, Alejandro Mendez and Lino K. Villa. An Epic release.

Running time: 1:50