One of the illusions fed by the old, Darwinian model of cinema distribution was the notion that every “foreign” film must be good, if it made it all the way to North America.

A film that stirred up attention and won acclaim in Spain, France, China, Australia or Vietnam and got the attention of a distributor here, who thought it could find an audience in the U.S. and Canada, had already cleared several gatekeepers and faced judgement in a number of ways before the risk of an expensive North American release was risked.

Film festivals might tip film buffs that every movie to come out of France isn’t a masterpiece, that German comedies are rare for a reason and that Fellini, Rosellini et al are no longer the lords of Italian cinema. But some folks could say “Hollywood movies just aren’t on a par” with X, Y or Z cinema, just based on the rare jewels that every year delivered as a film import.

The content-starved streamers disabused us of that. Traveling Around the World with Netflix serves up second rate cinema from Spain, flops from France, Italian embarassments and, this month, a dog from Denmark.

The production may be polished and the cast attractive, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen a Danish movie as insipid and inane as “A Beautiful Life.” Even the banal title is enough to put one on notice and one’s teeth on edge.

It’s a star vehicle for Danish singer Christopher — Christopher Lund Nissen — a model/movie-star handsome pop idol with a lovely, expressive voice and — just judging by the material his character sings in the movie — a sensitive, Ed Sheeranish taste in tunes and subject matter.

There’s nothing wrong with any of that. But the arbitrary, illogical and contrived script tailor-made for his talents is jaw-dropping in its inanity.

“Elliott” is the hunk of the fishing docks, a reliable mate who lets his hard-pressed boss (Paw Henriksen) know that he doesn’t need that pay envelope his colleagues gripe about after every day’s catch. He lives on a roomy hulk of a boat, and when his “best friend” calls, picks up his guitar and accompanies the ambitious but musically-limited Oliver (Sebastian Jessen) at a local showcase.

When Oliver freezes-up at the indifference of the famous musician’s widow (Christine Albeck Børge) in the audience, Elliott takes over, blows everybody’s socks off, and a star is born.

Because rock-widow Suzanne ordains it. And when she comes to bail Elliott out of jail for beating an ill-tempered shipmate half to death (don’t ask), she not only vouches for him, she puts him on the payroll and summons him to the studio.

With her star-maker/manager partner (Ardalan Esmaili) and this aimless, finding-her-own-way young woman, Lilly (Inga Ibsdotter Lilleaas) as producer, they’ll turn this bearded beauty into a pop idol.

What this really is might be described as a make-work project for Lilly, who happens to be Suzanne’s daughter with the late rock star Vincent Taylor.

Lilly has absent “Daddy” issues. Elliott has a “secret sadness.”

But they must make beautiful music together. It’s in the stars script!

Every abrupt stop on this shortcut Road to Stadium Shows is just tossed in. No decision or part of the process seems like anything more than a mandatory waypoint ordained by a checkbox screenwriting app.

Lilly falls for Elliott? Oliver returns and is just “no good” for the kid?

The songwriting “process” rendered here is laughable, although the one intended laugh lands, ever-so-lightly. As she’s sounding out the reluctant Elliot’t’s talent and tastes, Lilly asks Elliott to play something “that gives you joy.”

He picks up her legendary dad’s electric guitar, and like generations of aspiring white boy rockers before him, strums out the most basic chords in rock — the opening to Deep Purple’s “Smoke on the Water.”

Every obstacle is preordained, every distraction summarily dismissed, every other step in “the process” simply skipped-over to make our boy “viral” and jump ahead to “stadium ready.”

The performances are uniformly bland. When you’re stuck playing a watered-down version of an archetype, it’s hard to give your best efforts.

The filmmakers’ indifference to anything about such stories that would make this plausible or at least interesting is astonishing. Let’s just jump right from “Smoke on the Water” to Elliott and Lilly picking out a post-coital tune on the piano he keeps on his boat (!?) and then go, pretty much, straight to the bus tour where Lilly and Elliott can get busy in the back.

But if you’ve never seen a bad Danish film, “A Beautiful Life” is reassuring at least in that regard. The Denmark of Dogme 95 cinema can produce dogs, just like everybody else.

Rating: TV-MA, some violence sex, profanity

Cast: Christopher, Inga Ibsdotter Lilleaas,
Christine Albeck Børge and Ardalan Esmaili and Sebastian Jessen

Credits: Directed by Mehdi Avaz, scripted by Stefan Jaworski. A Netflix release.

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