Movie Nation

Whatever its title in Tagalog/Filipino, translating the chaste, wistful “different timelines” romance into “Love You Long Time” for international consumption was…unfortunate.

Do a quick online search for it. I’ll wait. This turned up. A LOT. Right?

Even skipping by the idea that the title is a tease, promising something more unsavory than this was ever going to deliver, it’s a frustratingly insipid romance that skips over some “hows,” meanders through inane barely-flirtatious and disconnected chats and concludes with nothing less than utterly unresolved frustration.

Ikay (Eisel Serrano) is a “blocked” young screenwriter catching hell for not getting the revisions right on her “magnum opus,” apparently a tale scripted from her own life. She goes into the country to get a change of scene and catch up with her favorite aunt (Ana Abad Santos).

But on the way, she had a fender bender and this walkie talkie somehow wound up in her car. She turns it on, and this nice young man named Uly (Carlo Aquino) reaches out to her. They chat about their lives, their lonelines and their drab romantic histories.

But every time they try and get together in person, at a local cathedral or restuarant, they fail to connect or even cross paths. Uly is puzzled. Ikay is furious at these “games” he’s playing with her.

Eventually, he posts a Twitter photo to prove he’s in the same park as her. But his “jokes” or “pranks” about how he’s in 2018 and her angry replies about “It’s 2022!” eventually let these two slowpokes figure out what we guessed a few scenes ago.

They’re on different timelines.

They accept this as if it’s a common nuisance of Filipino life, and are as late on the uptake that one of them might be in an alternate universe, or dead, as they were on the possibility that they are in in the same space, but in separate times.

They carry on their chats. Ikay transcribes some of this into her screenplay, and her aunt serves up some self-help speak, quoting (in English) from her favorite American books on the subject. Yes, the U.S. has cornered the market on this “literature.”

“This is your story. Believe in it…Live your ‘present.’ You don’t forget your past, Ikay. You learn from it.”

It’s a very slow and low-heat film. Some of this reaction can possibly be attributed to the story and the split-screen way it’s told, and some to cultural differences. But the leads set off few sparks, with Aquino being as boy-band bland as any romantic hearthrob I’ve seen on screen lately.

And the resolution simply lost me. Even allowing for “It’s not going to be a ‘Hollywood Ending,'” (screenwriter makes hit movie out of this “experience”) it accomplishes nothing and leaves one wishing one had 104 minutes back.

Rating: TV-MA, a bloody car accident

Cast: Eisel Serrano, Carlo Aquino and Ana Abad Santos

Credits: Directed by Jaime Habac Jr., scripted by Gena Tenaja. A Netflix release.

Running time: 1:44

A little “Dune,” a bit of “Star Wars,” ok a LOT of “Dune.”

Cleopatra Coleman, Sophia Boutella, Djimon H., Jena Malone, Charlie Hunam, Cary Elwes, narrated by Sir Anthony.

An original — derivative, sure — saga in two parts, the first dropping Dec. 22.

This has a whiff of “Canadian Indie” about it. Aykroyd, Henry Czerny, Scott Thompson.

Looked it up, yup. Sudbury, Ontario, Great White North.

R.L. Stine appears in an adaptation of one of his kid-horror tales. There’s another Chase — A daughter? — in the credits, which explains how they talked the obstreporous Chevy into making an appearance.

“Zombie Town” zombie walks into theaters Sept. 1.

This mildly chilling trailer for an indie horror that drops on Sept. 5.

Not that familiar with the cast, but if you went to the right acting conservatory, “How to respond to the terrifying” is covered fully sophomore year.

This looks utterly generic, but well-cast with possible charms for fans of the detective mystery genre.

Gillen’s got a rare lead, good to see.

Sept. 22.

Let’s celebrate the late summer release of “The Inventor,” a musically animated jewel about Leonardo Da Vinci’s last years that’s certainly the loveliest animated film of the year, thus far.

It’s more kid-friendly than “made for children.” You’ll find it helps to know a little or a little more than a little about Leonardo before watching it. And not every child is interested in Da Vinci’s late life obsessions with dissections and anatomy studies. Yes, it’s a bit of a hard sell.

But with Rankin-Bass reminescent stop-motion animation by Ireland’s Curiosity Studio and lots of lovely 2D dream/nightmare sequences by Cartoon Saloon, a stellar voice cast, pretty tunes by Alex Mandel, all of it conceived by Pixar alumnus Jim Capobianco, it’s simple yet gorgeous and quite the unexpected delight.

In 1516 the great painter, inventor and thinker (voiced by Stephen Fry) is trapped in Rome and under the thumb of the Medici Pope Leo X (Matt Berry of “The IT Crowd”), the heavy-handed and corrupt pontiff who prompted Martin Luther to start the Protestant Reformation.

Leo threatens Leonardo over his obsession with “desecrating” bodies “out of curiosity” and a pursuit of knowledge, perhaps in search of any evidence of where the soul might be in his cadavers.

Leo would rather Leonardo be “a good little painter” like his lad Michelangelo, muttering as he makes fixes to the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel (actually, Michelangelo was finished before Leo X was confirmed). Leo’s also having military troubles with the French and would love for Da Vinci to whip him up some wonder weapons.

The Great Polymath and his assistants invent animation and whip up a flipbook projection of Da Vinci’s ideas for a tank, an infantry-slicing scythe and what-not, a presentation that ends by showing the French stealing the ideas because “that happens in war” and the two sides pointlessly slaughtering each other.

Which also happens in war.

After pushing the Pope to show himself a prince of peace and end the fighting, Leonardo meets the French king, Francis (Gauthier Battoue), decides he’s young, more open-minded and less dogmatic so he and his two assitants grab The Mona Lisa and his papers and flee to France.

But once there, his ideas for a grand “Ideal City” take a back seat to the need to have him engineer a spectacle for the planned summit of the Great Kings of Europe — Francis I, Carlos V (Max Bamgarten) of Spain, and Henry VIII (Daniel Swan) of Great Britain. Something huge is needed for the French monarch to impress his fellow absolute rulers.

Like much of what we see in this fanciful film, that really happened. Well, sort of. Henry met them both, just not at once at that famous French fete, which included the two monarchs wrestling each other.

Yes, that sounds silly and yes it really happened and yes, it’s funny to see them stop-motion-animate their way into a tussle buried under a whirling cloud of dust (cotton balls).

Oscar winner Marion Cotillard plays the young French king’s advisor/mum, who’d be none-too-pleased if she knew the Italian had moved his graverobbing operation to La Belle France. And Daisy Ridley is the king’s smart, scientifically-curious sister, the one who wants to see Leonardo build his “man and nature in harmony” version of an “Ideal City.”

The estimable Mr. Fry sings, gets across Leonardo’s alarm at the dark, looming figure who chases and traps him in his flying (self-designed bat-wings) 2D animated nightmares. That would be death, determined to get him before his life’s work is done.

This Leonardo walks a tightrope between songs, recognizing that his curiosity has come close to getting him killed “on the heretic’s fire” before and may again, but determined to “learn everything” and inform the world and change it with his knowledge.

“There are three kinds of people,” he lectures at one point. “Those who see. Those who see when shown. And those who don’t see.” Period. Yes, he really said that.

If you’re thinking this review has a lot of linked-footnotes for a piece on “children’s entertainment,” you’re right. The film started life as a short financed via Kickstarter, and grew in thematic depth, animated sophistication and historical accuracy when Capobianco built it into into a feature.

Still, there’s not quite enough slapstick and goofiness — even counting one hide-the-cadaver gag — to keep your average 8 year-old interested.

But that’s no reason to not see it with your child and do a little teaching as you watch, or to cheat yourself of this multi-national treat, especially if you love the archaic animation that showed off Rudolph’s red nose and a burgermeister impressed that “Santa Claus is Coming to Town.”

Rating: PG

Cast: The voices of Stephen Fry, Marion Cotillard, Daisy Ridley,
Gauthier Battoue, Max Baumgarten, Natalie Palamides and Matt Berry

Credits: Directed by Jim Capobianco and Pierre-Luc Granjon, scripted by Jim Capobianco. A Blue Fox Entertainment release.

Running time: 1:40

Brie’s a journalist about to interview a dictator, Cena’s the ex-special forces guy hired to provide security.

And then the coup begins.

Alice Eve plays the grumpy…ex?

Oct. 6 and only in cinemas.

This one comes to Netflix Oct. 6.

Looks good. Haven’t seen nearly enough of Benicio del T of late. Or his one-time co-star, Ms. Silverstone.

Nowicki? I know the guy. Winter Park, Fl, “Blindside” and a lot of other movies. Coroner, here?

It’s no shock that screenwriters who gave us “Hoosiers,” “Rudy” and “Men of Honor” could get a few tears out of a tale an aspiring baseball player struggling to overcome the degenerative spinal disorder he was born with and make it to the big leagues.

But what three credited writers, stars Dennis Quaid, Colin Ford, Bonnie Bedelia and Scott Glenn and director B-movie Jeff Celentano (“Breaking Point”) have a harder time managing is finding a point to “The Hill.”

The story is that Rickey Hill (played by Jesse Berry in his younger scenes) was born with that medical issue in the late ’50s, wore leg braces into his tweens, but practiced swinging a stick or a bat obsessively until that day he shed the braces and became a Texas teen hitting phenom.

His father (Dennis Quaid) was a “hardscrabble” preacher who never believed he could or should try to play baseball. He has a “higher calling,” Dad said at the time, with Mom (Joelle Carter) rarely objecting but granny (Bonnie Bedelia) and his siblings sticking up for little Mickey Mantle-obsessed Rickey.

The family struggled in near poverty but Rickey was hellbent on proving he could play, even if his father was sure his ability to memorize and apply lessons from scriptures was his true “calling.”

But if you haven’t heard of Rickey Hill, however miraculous or at least inspiring it was that he was able to play the game, you shouldn’t have. He never made it to the big leagues, one of the hardest journeys any athlete can undertake.

So, what’s this movie about?

The baseball episodes are rules, logic, tradition and reality-bending enough that the broadcast announcer for an exhibition “tryout” game doesn’t have to say “This is something that norally doesn’t happen,” because “Duh.” At least he isn’t the announcer from an earlier game, going on about “another game-winning home run” and the friends and family who marvel how Rickey’s four-for-four night “gets” his “average” “up to .400.”

If you don’t know how ridiculous that sounds, you don’t know what “season opener” means any more than three credited screenwriters — Angelo Pizzo, Scott Marshall Smith and Aric Hornig -do.

The kid doesn’t grow up (Colin Ford plays him as a teen) to embrace Daddy’s hopes for him and become a popular preacher.

So are we looking at another “Rudy” story here, some self-promoter who spends his life pitching the “miracle” of his “almost” overcoming-every-adversity story and gets a movie made? I honestly don’t know.

That said, the long flashback scenes recreating the 1960s childhood of growing up with a baseball-hating father who had little tolerance for backwoods Texas Baptists who smoked and chewed and spat tobacco during his (indoor) sermons are somewhat interesting.

What isn’t intersting is almost everything else — the little moments meant to be “a sign” when the preacher gets another job from the rich lady who happens to pick them up when they run out of gas, or the junkyard owner (Ray Clemons) who shrugs off little Rickey’s leg-brace long fly-ball (rock) that breaks a windshield on his lot and becomes the kid’s cheerleader and backer, etc.

Quaid is a terrific actor, and if you’re a fan, make a double-bill out of “The Hill” (PG) and “Strays” (hard-R) this weekend if you want a case of whiplash. But as righteous and stern as the character is, he’s one-dimensional and not scripted into being the one who brings you to tears.

That would be David Silverman‘s job as the bluff, no-nonsense elementary school Coach Don who doesn’t let us or anybody else know his lay preacher background until he confronts his fellow preacher to make him recognize his little boy’s “gift from God.” And Bedelia and Carter have some touching moments as well.

By the time Scott Glenn shows up as the famous baseball scout who bends all sorts of rules and and any sense of simple fair-play common sense to give the freshly-redamaged Rickey a last showcase chance to get signed, I was all out of eye-rolls to give.

Rating: PG

Cast: Dennis Quaid, Colin Ford, Bonnie Bedelia, Joelle Carter, Jesse Berry, Siena Bjornerud and Scott Glenn

Credits: Directed by Jeff Celentano, scripted by Angelo Pizzo, Scott Marshall Smith and Aric Hornig. A Briarcliff Entertainment release.

Running time: 2:04

Someboy is stalking Nancy, messing with her Smart House, phone, work and home computers, her electric and electronically-wired-in car.

Somebody murdered her fiance the night before their wedding. Somebody is sabotaging her at work, setting traps in her personal life and framing others for the misdeeds.

And that somebody could be any one of four obvious suspects, or maybe somebody she hasn’t met yet.

Paranoid? She should be.

“The Admirer” is a cleverly-timed, well-structured but clumsily scripted and flatly played thriller about that almost universal paranoia about “wired” life. Every “smart” gadget in our lives is a “data breach” waiting to happen. Every one with a camera and/or a microphone is a privacy violation in progress.

Roxanne McKee (“Game of Thrones”) plays Nancy, who is on the phone Facetiming with her fiance (Lucas Aurelio) when a shadowy figure she sees rushes into view and pushes Ross right out a window.

A year later, the cops never caught anybody or took her “stalker/murderer” story seriously. And it’s starting up again.

Missteps at work, settings changing on the themostat, water temp for her showers and music volume in her house, anonymous “secret admirer” flower deliveries at the office — who could be doing this?

Might it be the backstabbing subordinate, Sarah (Christina Bennington), the “unstable” IT guy/lover Doug (Jack Parr) who just got fired, brittle boss Gina (Tina Cascia), new IT guy Martin (Richard Fleeshman), Nancy’s all-access personal assistant Simon (Jordan Ford Silver)?

Nancy’s going to be the last one to figure out everything is out to get her.

“My house is trying to kill me!”

Her “You can’t trust anyone” is meant to be a complaint about her love life. Maybe she’d better apply that more broadly.

Some cop is going to assure her “You’re going to be OK. I’ll make sure of it.”

And somebody better call HR, because this ad-agency of the over-dressed is a minefield of inappropriate relationships and unprofessionalism.

Director Martin Makariev filmed this Rolfe Kanefsky and Chris Philip script with “Lifetime Original Movie” parameters — no swearing, no skin, no sex, mostly off-camera, with only a few smatterings of blood.

That isn’t the reason it plays so emotionally dry or that it struggles so much to create suspense. Everything feels articifial and bloodless, even the murders.

“Peaky Blinders” alumnus Parr has the only role with real rough edges, and even dangerous IT Doug should be afraid of this “work enemy” or that boss quick to blame everybody else.

I invested in figuring out whodunit. But the “talking villain” finale is an eye roller and that’s just indicative of what a slick, soap operatic melodrama “The Admirer” is, pretty much start to finish.

Rating: unrated, violence

Cast: Roxanne McKee, Tina Casciani, Christina Bennington, Jack Parr, Jordan Ford Silver and Richard Fleeshman.

Credits: Directed by Martin Makariev, scripted by Rolfe Kanefsky and Chris Philip. A FilmRise release.

Running time: 1:29