That “magnificent” hulking, “talking, pratfall-taking sight gag that is Dave Bautista” didn’t get the lesson that maybe a violent action film pairing him with a little girl wasn’t the best idea after “My Spy.”
It wasn’t a box office hit, for STX and I’m damned if I can remember how I actually got to review it. Was it even released in the U.S.? Must have blown up on streaming.
But “Spy” Dave is back, with four-years-older teen Chloe Coleman, Ken Jeong and Ms. Vulgar Double Entendre Kristen Schaal for “My Spy: The Eternal City,” which MGM/Amazon picked up for streaming on Amazon Prime.
It’s a dull European travelogue that takes us to Venice, Tuscany, Austria, Florence, and Rome — sometimes only in “establishing shots” — and a thriller that climaxes in Rome with a spirited chase that puts Dave on a motorcycle hurtling through “The Eternal City.”
Little Sophie at the wheel?
“I’m taking driver’s ed soon!“
“In TWO YEARS.”
The plot — CIA spies led by Kim (Jeong) have tracked down Russian info on where 100 long-ago-lost “suitcase (nuclear) bombs” are hidden, and a bad guy (Flula Borg) takes that data from them.
Teen Sophie, years-into her “training” under “You’re not my Dad” J.J. (Bautista) gets entangled in this on a tour of Italy with her high school choir with her crush, Ryan (Billy Barrat) and nerdy Colin (Taejo K), who crushes on Sophie and thinks his dad (Jeong) is a pediatric nurse, and not the head of a counter-intel division at The Agency.
J.J.? With Chloe’s mom off with Doctors Without Borders (we assume) in Africa, he’s wrangled into chaperoning.
Can he handle the “raging hormones” and “poor impulse control” of the horny teens in his care, the head chaperone (Anna Faris) wants to know?
“Failing to prepare is preparing to fail” is still J.J.’s motto. Sophie? She’s trained in martial arts, knife-throwing and parkour for years. When somebody on their trip is kidnapped, she springs into action, “ready” or not.
The screenplay finds a few funnier things for Jeong to say and do, and turns Schaal — an Agency analyst along for the ride — loose on many an innuendo.
A Roman statue’s penis is snapped off and hurled, mid-fight, at a villain.
“It’s in my EYES!” he shrieks.
“Not fun, is it?” she cracks.
“Suicide Squad” and “Pitch Perfect 2” veteran Borg makes a decent, comical (over-explaining, griping about Direct TV passwords mid-brawl) villain.
Bautista isn’t as funny here, and adding Craig Robinson to the cast with little for him to play (he’s another analyst) accomplishes nothing.
But Faris is a welcome addition to the ensemble, mean in any hair color (it changes), scary when she needs to be, but always in a funny way. No, I didn’t recognize her at first as she hasn’t been on screen much since TV’s “Mom” was canceled.
Comedy veteran Peter Segal — he directed the “Get Smart” movie, a few Adam Sandler farces, “Tommy Boy” and “My Fellow Americans” — handles the action beats somewhat better than the comic stepdad/daughter stuff.
He’s no better than anyone else would be at wringing laughs from this crap script. Yes, he co-wrote it. But if enough people stream this on movie-content-starved Amazon Prime, maybe he’ll get another shot at getting a better movie out of this franchise.
At least the sequel isn’t as violent as “My Spy” — if you ignore all the knife-throwing.
Rating: PG-13, gun and knife violence, fisticuffs, teen drinking, profanity, innuendo
Cast: Dave Bautista, Chloe Coleman, Ken Jeong, Flula Borg, Kristen Schaal, Taejo K, Billy Barratt, Craig Robinson and Anna Faris.
Credits: Directed by Peter Segal, scripted by Jon Hoeber, Erich Hoeber and Peter Segal. An STX/MGM release on Amazon Prime.
Running time: 1:53
