Very bad and interminably long, “Storage Locker” brings together a perfect storm of terrible script, inept acting and cheese-puff (as opposed to the more expensive “cheese ball”) effects.

It’s about a nerdy comic book collector (Avery Mayo) who gets mixed up with rich witches (Meredyth Fowler, Bobbie Grace) who own a storage unit lot and draw him into their nerfarious plans.

Grave robbing, murders, an assassination attempt, supernatural incantations — “I’m a WITCH, not a freakin’ doctor!” — parties that round up rich weirdo “collectors” to bid on sick and twisted collections, a slasher “monster” who seems like a cowled child in need of a haircut, none of it forms into a coherent plot and all of it is buried under bad dialogue badly-delivered.

“Ya’ll need to go so crazy someplace else!”

It takes 30 minutes to get going and another 80 to go nowhere — slowly. Collector Packer gets mugged, his fiance dumps him for losing their honeymoon money, the weird sisters require bribes to rent him a lousy storage unit and this cowled killer kid keeps dashing around the storage units, the parking lot, parties, etc, slashing at people.

And then he isn’t a kid.

I kept think of that Frank Zappa song about cut-rate monster movies — “Cheapnis.”

It’d be mean to single out any one performance, any directorial flourish, any half-assed take that somehow made it into the finished film.

You can tell how close to a student film this amateurish fiasco is by the worst black-eye makeup I’ve ever seen in a movie, Packer’s prize for getting mugged trying to buy a rare “spider” comic book.

At least they knew better than to call him “Spider-Man.” No sense getting sued over this.

Rating: unrated, bloody violence.

Cast: Avery Mayo, Meredyth Fowler, Bobbie Grace, Skeeta Jenkins, David Vidal Trevino and Allen Danziger.

Credits: Scripted and directed by Ray Spivey. A Freestyle release.

Running time: 1:53