Innocuous to the point of insipid and unfailingly inane, “Relationship Goals” is exactly what you’d expect of a rom-com based on a self-help book by a self-promoting preacher.
It’s the sort of romance where we wait for close to 90 minutes for a character to blurt the obvious — “Have you never seen a ROM COM?” Because whatever the challenges of turning self-help into cinema, the screenwriters of this faith-based romance may have seen a romantic comedy or two, based on the formula they try to shove this into. But they didn’t take those movies’ lessons to heart. Every character is a cliche, every snippet of “advice” a weary bromide.
You need to “unpack” a relationship that isn’t giving you what you need so that you can “repack it,” etc. STOP the presses!
Kelly Rowland of Destiny’s Child and TV’s “Grown-Ish” stars as Leah, a go-getter TV producer angling for the job of show runner for a New York-based “Better Day Today” AM news program.
Leah writes herself affirmations on Post-It notes she pastes to her bathroom mirror. Relationships? She’s got that down to a “list” of requirements and deal-breakers that she’s spent years “curating.”
“No kids,” she demands of her prospective mate. “No cheaters.” “Nice style.”
She’s awaiting her big promotion with her obligatory gay assistant Roland (Ryan Jamaal Swain), co-host/bestie Brenda (Robin Thede) and “swipe right” addict makeup queen Treese (Annie Gonzalez)
Leah has no time for her dad (Dennis Haysbert), who’s pushing her to visit her mother’s grave because “You can’t outrun grief.” But her wait for the “big news” from her retiring boss and mentor (Matt Walsh, barely registering in a generally bland cast) doesn’t pay off.
“The network” has poached a rival network’s rising star to try him out as show runner. Jarrett Roy (Method Man) gets everything but wolf whistles from the female staff when he waltzes in to “Whatta Man Whatta Man Whatta a Mighty Good Man.”
But he and Leah “have history.” He cheated. Now she’s got to fight for a job she figures she’s earned against a heel she’s avoided for years. And he’s telling her “I’ve changed.“
In Jarrett’s case, he’s found his sacred text — “Relationship Goals” — and his guru out in Tulsa, Pastor Michael Todd (as himself). That cheating “happened,” but “it’s not who I am.” Maybe Leah’ll give him another chance? Before or after he steals her job out from under her?
The story’s “dating with a purpose” (matrimony) messaging is hit harder than the religious themes. Characters in this alternate reality of network news drop “I just need to pray on this” and “God’s plan” into conversation and bicker over how to produce a video profile of this hot new book and the preacher pushing it into the public eye.
None of the narrative’s three storylines — Leah’s, Brenda’s frustrations with her failure-to-commit basketballer beau (DeVaughn Nixon), Treese’s hapless loneliness, or Leah’s trials — hold the screen or the viewer’s interest.
The production is polished but bloodless, and nothing the bland cast and veteran TV director Linda Mendoza (“Scrubs,” “Grown-Ish”) do brings it to life.
“Relationship Goals” is as generic as a self-help book cover, and doomed to be forgotten as quickly as the book it’s based on will be.
Rating: PG-13, adult situations, mild profanity
Cast: Kelly Rowland, Method Man, Robin Thede, Annie Gonzalez, Dennis Haysbert, Matt Walsh and Pastor Michael Todd
Credits: Directed by Linda Mendoza, scripted by Michael Elliott, Cory Tynan and Laura Lekkos, based on the book by Pastor Michael Todd. An MGM release on Amazon Prime.
Running time: 1:33
