For everybody who figures The Hallmark Channel is too “edgy” and The Christian Channel too preachy, there’s UpTV, whose fare one hopes isn’t represented by “Something Brewing,” a bland, lifeless romance parked on Amazon Prime for the curious.

Suffice it to say I’m feeling a bit feline after sampling this drab, Kentucky-filmed misfire.

The performances have no spark, the situations are insipid and desexualized, the “plot” never more than plodding.

Kristi Murdock is Jane, a VP with a marketing firm who comes home on the day she’s laid off to find her boyfriend hooking up with another woman. It’s implied, as this movie wouldn’t care to take us into the bedroom.

Jane’s had it with this business world, “men” and “the city.” She’s ready to escape to the country.

But that would be a Hallmark movie, wouldn’t it? Here, a friendly barrista (Jason Cook) makes her day, flirts, and despite being a BARRISTA, she gives him a chance.

After all, she’s about to move away — turned in her notice on her apartment, the works.

“Things can’t get any worse, right?” her real-estate agent bestie (Tammy-Anne Fortuin) insists.

They do, just as soon as Jane pokes around into the background of Mr. Knows All About Coffee David.

There’s no spark between the attractive leads, and no surprise in this modest blunders’s “twists.”

The message isn’t faith-based, but more of a “to being happy where we are” kind of acceptance of the hard breaks life doles out and the laughable good luck that intervenes for those who like their romantic entertainment to have a dose of magical thinking ladled on top.

It’s not hatefully bad. But story to acting to settings to direction to sentimental Muzak score, nothing’s “brewing” here. Nothing at all.

Rating: TV-13up

Cast: Kristi Murdock, Jason Cook and Tammy-Anne Fortuin

Credits: Directed by Nadeem Soumah, scripted by Adam Rockoff. An UpTV film on Amazon Prime.

Runing time: 1:29